Life on Hold

There is more than one way to waste a life. When we tell ourselves…I will really begin to live when I lose 20 pounds. Life would be even more fabulous if I lost 30 pounds. I would probably become famous because you can become famous for stuff like that these days. Life will begin when I have this much money in the bank. Or when I get that specific job. Or when I have kids or when my kids are grown and have reached a certain place in their lives and are not dependent on us anymore. (I’ve got news for ya kid, parenting never ends). I’ll started living when I don’t have to work anymore, I will really begin my life when I’m living in my dream home. (Ahem – to myself: This IS your dream home. You’re not upsizing at your age when all your peers are downsizing. That ship has sailed. Yes a ship would have been nice). I will start my real life when my spouse finally evolves into that person that reads my mind and never upsets me. When I’m living in paradise. When I’m living on easy street. When I’m the envy of all my friends. When I quit sinning and become perfect. When I can afford Valentino shoes and Louis Vuitton purses. When I can go to Europe every summer. When I have a cleaning lady. When I have no more worries. When I am the most kind, generous, humorous, intelligent, sophisticated, compassionate, wise person in any gathering. When I am invited to every gathering…and on and on the fantasy goes. When I finally get to Africa….
With that paradigm, I was in grave danger of life passing me by. Because the moments that I am breathing right now and all the moments I have breathed in the past…these ARE my life. My real life. My reality. And there is nothing wrong with this life I have been blessed with…btw.
But for some reason so much of my life has felt as if I was living in limbo. Waiting for circumstances to change (not that they were so heinous) and because of this limbo I wasted a lot of the good moments. Mostly because I didn’t recognize them as good moments – at least not until they were gone. I have been trying to teach myself the fine art of living ‘in the moment’. My theme song used to be “Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow. You’re only a day (or a month or a year) away. Or as Scarlett O’Hara is famous for saying…I don’t want to think about that today, I’ll think about that tomorrow. For tomorrow is another day.” I am endeavoring to teach myself not to put things off, not to procrastinate – Just do what needs to be done and live today.
I should be aware of every breath I take and if I can take that breath clear and free then I should bask in it. I finally realized, about 11 years ago that this IS my life. This ‘here and now’ and that ‘there and then’. So I began to live and feel every moment in time. This doesn’t mean I never think about or plan for the future but what it does mean is that I am grateful for this moment and what it is and what I am enjoying or what I am learning. I am grateful for my past and what it has blessed me with and what it has taught me. I’m even grateful for the hardship as it has brought about necessary change and increased faith.
Has my physical appearance ever hindered my enjoyment of the pink and azure sunrises? Only if I let it. Or prevented me from being soothed by the crashing waves on the shores of Kona? Has not being independently wealthy and having to work for living prevented me from feeling the notes in beautiful music or tasting the flavors in exquisite food? Has not being famous hindered my enjoyment of my gifts from God – my children (both as littles and as bigs)? I got to hear their cries and their giggles and their “I love you momma’s. And what about my husband? He chose me just the way I am and the life we have built together has been rich with love, cherishing, experiences, memories and joys. (And just for the record, I actually chose him, but he doesn’t know that so don’t tell him. It will be our little secret). We ARE rich in all the ways that are important. Even the painful and difficult is a vital part of our story. As C.S. Lewis said ‘The pain now is part of the joy then”. He was speaking about death and love but this also applies to our troubles. The pain He’s brought us through is part of the joy now. And visa versa. This IS my life and I’m living it right this moment. I am not waiting for this or that to happen before I begin to live. Even the waiting is part of the living.
I’ve seen the Eiffel Tower. I’ve wandered the gardens of the Palace of Versailles (the 8th wonder of the world in my opinion). I’ve had tea inside Buckingham Palace. I’ve cruised the Mediterranean and the French Riviera. I’ve eaten real Italian pizza and gelato on the boardwalk of Venice. I’ve walked the La Rambla’s of Barcelona. I’ve experienced the lights and excitement of Las Vegas. I’ve stayed in a Penthouse suite at the Four Seasons Hotel in California. (It was a comp room because I was working for them at the time – another lovely experience). I’ve snorkeled with the dolphins off the coast of Kona and swam with the manta rays. I’ve snorkeled in the blue waters of Cozumel amongst the sea turtles and tropical fish. I’ve been awe struck by New York at Christmas (my heart leapt for joy to be honest). I’ve walked the boardwalk in Auckland, New Zealand. Visited friends in Texas and Phoenix. We’ve been able to borrow our friends cottage to retreat from life’s storms and forge new memories with our children. I’ve felt pride at the graduations of both of my children from High school and one from University. I’ve enjoyed white Christmases in Banff, Lake Louise and at home with my family and extended family and friends. We’ve created memories on many family vacations driving through the mountains. We attended the funerals of three of our precious parents. We’ve suffered through chicken pox, asthma and emergency room injuries, hurt feelings and school stress with our children. I’ve been overwhelmed trying to run a business from home and putting my husband through university so he could train for a different career. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve been depressed. I’ve been selfish and I’ve been angry. I’ve felt all the emotions and I am far better off in retrospect.
So I am not waiting for something different before I start to enjoy today. There are a million little feelings to feel each day. A million choices to make in a life. A million lessons to be learned. A million opportunities to grow. A million blessings to enjoy. A million people’s lives to touch for the better. I don’t want to miss out on even one little experience that is part of God’s plan for me. Even if it’s difficult and painful – there is something there and it’s mine. It’s my life and I’m going to live it.