Every now and again I have this light bulb moment and it occurs to me that I am a full fledged adult. Not just an adult but what I used to call ‘old’ when I was my kids ages. I realize that I am one of these perpetual teenagers trapped in an adult body. I mean what was it about the wedding, the two births, the mortgage, the life insurance, the business loan, the bursitis …. that didn’t register with me???
Sometimes I still find myself wanting my own way and not understanding why I can’t have it (I’m of Israelite heritage). I longingly desire to wear all the cute little outfits that the young women are wearing these days and imagine myself looking absolutely adorable and irresistible in them and then I get a side long glance of myself in a store window or mirror and think ….don’t be ridiculous, that shipped has sailed honey. I’ve had to bring my heel height down a couple of inches this year do to corns and hammer toes. Whenever I see women my age wearing mini skirts or short shorts with 6″ stillettos and white lumpy legs, a ruffly blouse with far too much cleavage exposed,bleeding lipstick and over processed hair….I want to scream at them….”Do you own a mirror?” Thats one of the reasons I am grateful that my 22 year old daughter (hello) is living at home again. I’ve asked her to never let me leave the house dressed inappropriately..several times, she has asked “Are you going out like that?” and I cleverly retort “Of course not, just checking the dryer to see if my real clothes are ready”.
I mean just this week I was talking to Doug (my hairdresser) about the most effective method to hide any grey hair that might want to shine through….news flash! My doctor recommended a 24 hour blood pressure monitor for me last month to determine if I had white coat syndrome or not (I do BTW). In April I had a colonoscopy…hello? They don’t give those to 25 years olds. Drinking that collite poison was the worst part….I asked myself “Is this really necessary?”…but since there seemed to be a five year waiting list I thought maybe I should go through with it while I still had a colon to scope. Then there was the life insurance fiasco…I mean renewal. How much? Lets take the money and go on a Greek cruise instead…but no, that wouldn’t be prudent. When I was a kid I was going to eat Captain Crunch for breakfast every single day of my adult life…..that didn’t happen either. Who knew Captain Crunch wasn’t good for you? Who cared??
I went to buy tickets to a movie the other week and I told the girl “it’s the one with Barbra Striesand in it” and she gave me a blank stare. I said “You don’t have a clue who Barbra Streisand is do you?”…she shook her head. Ok I said “I think it has Seth Rogan in it too”…Her eyes light up, now she knows what I am talking about. (Everyone in the theatre was about our age or older BTW). We can always tell if we are going to like the movie when we look around and see what age people are in the theatre (usually its too late by then we are drunk on popcorn and butter and don’t really care what the movie is about).
My daughter went to a wedding this weekend. I find my kids always ask me “Do I need to take a gift?” I say “that is usually what is expected”. The problem is that these days the younguns don’t want to invite Mom and Dad’s friends to the wedding….they don’t want a bunch of old biddies and people they don’t know there, but hello? we are the ones with jobs and money….your peers don’t have money for wedding gifts (they are barely aware of the protocol of bringing one). One of the reasons the parents invited all their friends in years gone by was so that you could be decked out with everything you would need to play house (which BTW, is what I feel like I am doing most of the time).
Well most of the parents have jobs….except me. I had a perfectly good job but my boss decided to retire (he was only 9 years older than me) and I was out on the street. Finding a job these days is a lot different than it was back when I was 25. First of all most of the HR experts are 12 years olds and I’m pretty sure when I walk into the interview they are counting those glistening greys hairs peeking through and checking out the lumpy white legs and asking themselves “What is she thinking?” She probably thinks Microsoft Suite is a new hotel in town. Has she ever rebooted a computer? She probably thinks Outlook is the weather forecast for the day. And what the hell is in that piece of luggage she is trying to pass off as a purse? Hey kid, at least I have the strength to carry it all day long…..anything you need? Just ask me….Im sure I’ll have it and it will save your life. Possibly they are thinking, you are actually going to work (hard and long and smart) aren’t you? and then you’ll just make the rest of us look bad….not going to let that happen. Slam!
So my life has been filled with adult responsibility for years and I still didn’t clue in. I mean where was I when I grew old(er)? Why do I still feel 25 on the inside? Why do I still want to do 25 years old things? Why do I see a 25 year old when I look at myself in the mirror and then when I see an actual photo of myself….my heart stops beating? Who is that woman? I vaguely remember having an outfit like that and being at that venue….but I don’t have jowls! Seriously, who is that lady?
But….here I am, building, buying, decorating and living in a home and paying a mortgage. Last year proudly attending the graduation of my son from University and sending care packages to my daughter living in London, England. Desperately trying to find a corporate job so I can contribute to our retirement fund…oh, wait, we don’t have one. Thus, the job. Blindly giving wise and mature advise to my two adult children who didn’t ask for it….teehee.
Often we are invited to our other adult friends homes for an adult dinner party and as I sit around the table drinking wine, listening to jazz, eating gourmet cuisine, talking about our adult kids and our vacation plans, our homes, our cars, how to take care of our aging parents or deal with a difficult boss….its like I am having an out-of-body experience and the voices seemed muffled….its all very pleasant and I enjoy it…but I find myself wondering why these people can’t sense that I am an imposter in their midst. Just a 25 year old pretending to be an adult.
From June 29, 2013
The Red Plaid Apron 