Alarm buzzes, hit snooze. Fifteen minutes later alarm buzzes again, hit snooze. Crack screen on iPhone. Five minutes later jump out of bed in a panicked frenzy because now I am late to get to the gym by 5:30am to work out for an hour and be in the gym shower by 6:30 am to make myself presentable for the day and be at my desk by 7:30am. Eat my homemade breakfast and make my days TO-DO list. Proceed to complete the tasks. Lunchtime – eat my homemade lunch and then fight to stay awake for the rest of the afternoon and accomplish anything significant (which is hard to do when your company morale is low due to lack of work and disappearing staff. Am I next?) Drive home and choose between many options – clean house, cook food, clean fridge, mend clothes, iron sheets, do laundry, read, journal, study, paint, sew…OK…spend 3 hours on Pinterest in front of the fire listening to Josh Groban. (Productivity is overrated.) Pack lunch and gym bag for next day and be in bed by 9:30 latest. Try to sleep through the night without getting up to work out a painful cramp or go to the loo. REPEAT and REPEAT and Repeat and Repeat and repeat and repeat.
Who remembers the Indian (Native/First Nations) Chief head that showed up after midnight on TV when the days programing was done and you were lying on the couch alone with the glow of this screen (which was white and bright) and the low siren that hummed until you physically got off the couch and turned off the TV and went to bed? There are days when it feels like that screen is my constant companion. Hummmmmm – Drummmmmmm.
Is this all there is? How about a nice surprise? How about a positive deviation? How about an undeserved break from reality? How about a vacation? How about a raise? How about winning a lottery? How about no terrorism? How about I wake up and certain political leaders and contenders are ditch diggers that nobody has ever heard off? How about all my problems dissolving – leaving me to lounge on a sail boat gazing at the ocean with ombre blue as far as the eye can see, with the heat penetrating my skin and waif-like body while the rocking of the waves lulls me into a catatonic slumber only to wake periodically to my husband sitting by my side peeling grapes and plopping them into my mouth? Full, ripe, juicy, sweet, green seedless grapes…..
Some friends leave for their second home in Phoenix and other friends leave for their first home in Hawaii. Mother leaves for New Zealand and brother leaves to follow a diamond trader around the world for a reality show. Sister leaving for Cinque Terre in a couple of weeks, another friend just left for Israel. Friends offspring getting married and having babies continually making them grandparents (never to be seen again in social circles). So and so loses 50 pounds and another so and so writes a best seller. And the world keeps turning on its axis as I repeat the first paragraph until I can do it in my sleep (and usually do). I must not walk through this life in a mundane trance. My life DOES have meaning even if it’s the same old, same old.
To tell you the truth – I rather like the same old, same old. The familiar, the safe, the routine – I know how to do that. After 58 years I’ve pretty much got it down pat. It’s the unexpected – be it good or bad – that throws me off my course. And then of course there is my thought life. Sometimes I just have to tell it to SHUT-UP! I’ve often accused my son of being an over thinker because he has the IQ of Albert Einstein. But me, with no IQ at all, still manages to overthink every little think (I mean thing).
Here’s the deal….Even when life seems mundane and boring and repetitive and exhausting and overwhelming, I DO have so much to be grateful for and I actually cherish and treasure this life that has been assigned to me. Along with the difficult, painful, scary events that have transpired in the past there have been triple the amount of rich, rewarding, fulfilling, meaningful, joyous, miraculous and memorable life experiences that I can revisit when I’m stuck in REPEAT. And it is in these everyday rote patterns that God speaks to me profoundly and undeservedly. He shows me that HE is in every little detail of my life and that HE has it all planned out and every moment, every event, every heartache, every joy, every relationship has a purpose and it’s for my good. Often He has to tone my life way down in order for me to hear His still voice speaking to me and instructing me on what’s next or how to cope and make the most of what’s now. The lessons and wisdom that I glean in these ‘boring’ moments of life far surpass what I gain in the exciting and easy chapters.
I’m at a place in my life where my job is precarious, finances are a challenge, kids living in another city trying to find their way (life is tough) therefore, constant prayer (which is a good thing), mother needs a new place to live, sleep is elusive and staying healthy is a fulltime job, energy is lower, tolerance isn’t what is used to be, watching the news is well…I just don’t. But this IS life…the circle of life and really all is as it should be. God has me right where he wants me – for such a time as this (echoes of Esther). And even when it doesn’t feel like it, He has a purpose for me in this same old, same old Repeat pattern.
And so I continue to love my husband (rather than find fault) and I continue to pray for my kids (rather than interfere) and I continue to be kind to whomever crosses my path (rather than judge) and I continue to be grateful to the Father (rather than complain) and I continue to see the glory in the sunrises and the peace in the sunsets and I continue to walk the narrow, straight , disciplined and purposeful path (rather than chase after the exciting mirage of the world) and I put one foot in front of the other and remind myself to breathe and look up.
The Red Plaid Apron 