Redundant

I guess I had better back track.  I have become redundant.  Redundant – no longer useful, unnecessary, superfluous, inessential, needless…shall I go on?   Redundancy – not really a nice word when it is referring to your occupational status.  Monday morning started off as any other Monday morning – chit chat at the coffee machine while I found a niche for my lunch in the fridge, a few emails sent regarding issues that crossed my mind over the weekend, heating up my tea in the 2nd floor lunchroom, straightening up the large boardroom across from my workspace  etc.   Then I got the call. From the receptionist.  “Geri can you come down here please”.  I knew the procedure too well, having witnessed it several times the previous week and many times the previous year.  I knew someone was probably standing over her listening to her call so I just asked her to say “yes” or “no” to my question.  “Should I bring all my stuff?” and she said yes.  Well I started to tremble and shake as I ran to the fridge to retrieve my lunch.  I grabbed my purse, my day tote, my lunch, coat and Starbucks and headed down, knowing exactly what lay waiting for me on the main floor.  This was actually happening to me this time.  It was very surreal.  But lets be honest….it was no surprise.  My heart went out to the superior that had to bear the bad news.  I wanted to pat him on the back and tell him “Its OK.  I understand.”.  Once my rights were read to me the gal from the outplacement agency came in and asked if I was OK and did I need help getting to my car.  I affirmed that I was perfectly fine and I could easily make it my car and drive home (although home is the last place I wanted to go). In reality, she probably just wanted to witness me get into my car and drive out of the parking lot while she breathed a sigh of relief that I wasn’t going to blow the place up.  (I guess those things do happen).  It doesn’t really matter if you knew it was coming and it doesn’t really matter if you know you will be fine – eventually.  This experience drives a stake into your gut that you cannot explain.

I mean, I loved that job.  That’s my problem.  I love work!  I just end up loving the people and loving the environment and loving how blessed I was to have been a part of that operation for 3 1/2 years.  I looked forward to arriving at work.  Looked forward to working out in the company gym at 5:30am.  I was a fire marshall, on the Social committee, trained to cover reception which enabled me to know at lot more of the people working at our company than if I had been confined to the 3rd floor.  I shopped for kids Christmas gifts for the kids Christmas party two years. Baking for the fund raising bake sales…. It was a very enjoyable work environment and a totally positive experience.  Maybe that is my problem.  I love work too much and I end up loving the people and making friends with them. I have to remind myself it’s not personal, its business.

 We probably spend more time with our colleagues than we do with our family most of the time.  These people were my family and this place was my home.  So its not really about the money even though that is still a necessity for me…God will provide.  I trust him.  But its about the meaning and the purpose of being out there doing something bigger than yourself. Having my own little mission field.  So I am grieving.  I had myself a good cry about it yesterday and now I can move on.

I actually didn’t realize there was a grieving process involved in leaving a job that you loved until I had to leave my last job because the owner retired and shut down the company. As a result of that job ending, I found myself at an interview at a placement agency where she asked me many pertinent questions which I thought I answered with wisdom and maturity and refinement but then she asked me what my idea of the perfect job would be ?  And I said “well basically my last job was pretty perfect” and I started to describe it to her and next thing I knew I was sobbing.  I mean seriously sobbing. I was as surprised as she was.   I scurried out of there knowing I would never hear from her again…and I never did.

Well my first day unemployed this week was quite amazing really.  My daughter and I rose very early and went to hang out at Starbucks. It was her idea – I think she knew I would need something to wake up to today.   We  have always wanted to linger when we picked up our beverages on our way to work  – linger to listen to Ella, Frank or Nat but no, we had to get out there and battle the traffic and the elements and earn our livelihood. So off we went.  Living up to our responsibilities.   Lexie has Tuesdays off so we were able to indulge ourselves in this fantasy today.  We had purposed to go to the 10:00 Spin and Yin class but were enjoying ourselves too much so we decided on the Spin and Flow class at noon instead and snuck off to Winners to pass the time.  You should go.  We knew we should never set foot in a place like that when we are trying to be frugal and are already overindulged but we succumbed to the call and tried on all kinds of shoes and well…shoes.    Thankfully it was time to leave for Spin before we could do too much damage.  I’d forgotten the lure of Spin classes at a facility like Hot Shop where they turn the lights down and music up and and you can close your eyes and spin your brains out (or your butt off).  This was followed up by a Yoga class in a sweltering room.  I could feel the toxins leaving my body.  Just laying on the floor in “Happy Baby” pose letting all the pent up stress out.  It was amazing.  On the drive back home we discussed and drooled over the meal salad we were going to make.  It was nutritious and filling, colorful and tasty.