Self Pity 101

It was four Mondays ago that they phased out my job and sent me away. Maybe I made work a little too much like home and that’s why I miss it so much. I’ve been living a surreal existence since then, kind of like ‘who am I and whose life am I living anyway?

I’m not bitter or resentful about it, especially if I am confident that God is working out His plan in my life but it still leaves a huge hole that I’m wondering how to fill. Right, I was going to let God fill that hole this time. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t come up with all kinds of suggestions for Him… you know, in case He needs help. He does have an awful lot to do.

It’s like I cannot stop my mind from coming up with solutions and possibilities. It’s not as easy as those yogi’s suggest to empty out a busy mind.

It’s snowing this morning. BTW it’s April 24 for those not reading this in real time. The kind of morning conducive to sitting around by the fire feeling sorry for yourself. Just downed a few pieces of lovely comforting fruit toast wearing my plaid flannel dressing gown. It’s very hard to imagine that next Monday morning I will be sitting around a pool in Las Vegas in 31 degree weather. One usually doesn’t have to escape in May to find warmer weather, but I digress…. where was I? Oh yes. In the middle of felling sorry for myself.

What have I been doing for four weeks? Seriously, what have I done that matters? I didn’t realize I was supposed to be doing stuff that matters. Well friends have been taking me out for lunches and dinners and bringing me flowers (like someone died), I really DO love the flowers. I’ve redecorated the house and tested all the recipes in my French cookbooks (macarons, croissants, quiche, croque Madame and Monsieur, French toast, French press coffee, French fries), my son came home for a bit so I’ve been making pizza and brownies (a lot). (And eating all this BTW) I’ve been reading and writing constantly. If I don’t actually workout before 11:00 in the morning then I don’t workout at all. I’ll let you surmize how often I’ve worked out. So with all the eating and not working out you can imagine the condition I am in. I’ve engaged in a lot of shopping therapy. Buying stuff then taking it back when I remember I need to conserve money as I’m unemployed. So this takes up quite a bit of time. I’ve set up my painting studio again but as of yet, unused. I’ve pulled out my plethora of fabrics and patterns with the intention of sewing again. But instead I sit by the fire or at Starbucks in a trance sipping venti peach green tea lemonade (light ice) like it was life giving water.

I’ve moved into that reality where I now refer to everything as BC or AD. This is that kind of event. BC = working and AD = not working. Oh I’m working just not getting paid for it. Well actually they were kind enough to pay me for a few months so I AM getting paid to do what I am doing. Wait a minute. You mean I’m getting paid to shop, eat, not workout and sit by the fire? This actually is a pretty sweet deal. This is not the end of an era for me to wistfully look back on but rather an opportunity to seek what the future holds. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Time to snap out of it! Self pity 101 complete. And passed with flying colors I might add. I have a life to live! I have a purpose. I have a hope and this hope doesn’t disappoint.