As I have been waiting on the Lord these last couple of months, I have heard His voice in my spirit in regards to several bad habits. I was hoping He would speak to me about my purpose in life or show me the amazing new opportunity He has prepared for me but no, He keeps bringing me back to things I need to change and work on. Is this my new job? Changing myself? Not really what I had in mind.
One of those habits being my occasional harsh tone. Ok maybe more than occasionally. Alright… all the time. Get off my back.
And I responded ‘Lord I don’t want to have a harsh tone because harshness is not what’s in my heart’. The Lord and I had touched on this subject in the past and I would try to change my tone and my high voltage responses by the force of sheer will power. I could do it for awhile as long as I was fully aware and focused and nothing scary was happening. But then something my heart perceived as a crisis hit and I reverted back to harsh responses.
I finally realize that the only way to change my responses and tone is to change my heart. Everything that comes out of our mouths is rooted in the heart. Guard your heart for out of it flows the well spring of life. So I searched my heart and was surprised at what I found there. Instead of anger, hate and a mean spirit what I found was fear, loss of control and helplessness (or despair). Most of my reactive responses were rooted in fear. Fear of pain. Fear of loss. Fear of having no control of a situation. Fear of disrespect. Fear of not being able to help or change anything. Just pure anadulterated fear. Yet, that’s not what others sense when I am harsh. They most likely perceive anger and bitterness and wanting to have all the things my way.
My fear antenae start to tingle when I hear things like: I’m going camping in the wilderness even though I’ve never camped before, I’m not going to wear all my protective gear on the motorcycle today, I’m going to London alone even though I have no money and I’m sick, I’ll just sleep in my car if I get evicted, I gave a drunk man a ride home (and I’m a vulnerable young girl) I think I’ll go back country skiing even though there’s an avalanche warning, , I’m just going to drive my old jalopy all the way to Vancouver on my own with no AMA or emergency money, I think I’ll just rewire the house even though I’m not an electrician, I think I’ll just invest in this stock with no proven track record, I think I’ll just go sneak up on the skunk living in our backyard…. I hear these things and my heart of fear and my mouth of urgency jump into action. Blew it again!
Be still and know that I am God. The only reason He allows certain things is because He knows He is never leaving us or forsaking us. He is right here inside us and in control. If He allows it, he will walk us through it… if we let him. No need to be reactive or fearful or out of control. Be calm and trust God.
Our success peace and joy in life does not hinge on what happens to us but, rather, how we respond to it. In my heart of hearts I long to have the correct response that reflects love, faith and peace. God is not finished with me yet.
The Red Plaid Apron 