Survivor

So here I sit on a wintery Monday morning, January 8th, wondering what my next step is. In my heart of hearts, I truly thought I’d be working come the new year. Just the way everything was coming together, I thought for sure one of those jobs was mine. I’ve spent a few days reeling from the blow that I will not have the joy of starting with either of those organizations this January and now I must move on.

What have I learned? I’ve learned that you have to be dead serious about playing the game. The HR game. There is only one game, faith based organization or not, and if one wants to win they must play like their life depends on it. It occurs to me it’s a lot like the reality TV shows, Big Brother or Survivor. You must use strategy and sly cleverness. You must form alliances. Tell different people different stories and there’s very little room for blatant honesty. I’m not very good at the game I’m realizing. Maybe I’m too real and too honest. Just being me. I guess that’s why it feels like rejection because they actually ARE rejecting me. If I had put on some phoniness and told some tall tales, then it wouldn’t really be me they are passing over it would be the person I was pretending to be.

I’ll admit that most likely someone else was younger or had credentials I don’t possess. I mean why wouldn’t they choose a 35 year old with a degree? Possibly the person that was actually hired had worked in that type of organization before… I had not. Or maybe the successful candidate spent hours rehearsing all the correct answers to every possible question. You don’t know which questions they will ask so you have to come up with a clever answer to all possible questions. That is a ton of work… more work that the position itself, in many cases. But I guess that’s the screening process these days based on mounds of psychological research. And it’s quite obvious these HR professionals do not deviate from the rules. There appears to be no room for gut feelings or intuition. Not that I’m assuming they felt that with me, I’m just saying.

Let’s face it, once they see the whites of my eyes they can pretty well guess how old I am. And it becomes pretty obvious that I’m not seeking a career or planning to climb the corporate ladder. I’m just desperate for a job and that’s not something I can hide or deny. I’m willing to work my butt off and be ‘all in’ for the next 5-10 years but that’s all I can offer at best. I’m a bad risk if they’re looking for longevity or that ‘claw my way to the top’ instinct. Maybe they fear they can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

You see, I’m finding my son maybe does have this figured out to a certain degree. He keeps telling me that the only way to get the dream job is to lie through your teeth and I’m beginning to believe him. Maybe not lie…but definitely you can’t be yourself and you do have to embellish. And that is one reason why I haven’t started my own business. I’m not very good at promoting my skills. I never have been. I’ve never had that confidence or inherent self worth.

I know what I can do but I need an opportunity to show it. Maybe if I was as good a communicator as I profess I’d be able to express it so well in words that I’d close the deal.  I’m that person that aces the day to day assignments and tasks but totally chokes up on the exam.

The real story lies within and I don’t often get a chance to share it. Next time they ask that question, Why should we hire you? I just want to reply… you’d be foolish not to hire me because if this position becomes mine, I will own it. You’ll never find anyone more loyal or faithful to doing a good job for your company because once I enter into a contract I am fiercely committed to providing the service that you hired me for. You won’t find anyone that will work harder. You won’t find someone more resourceful. You won’t find anyone that endeavours get along with all people as I do. I find difficult people a challenge to win over not a reason to quit or whine. I end up loving my work because I consider the opportunity to work for a living a blessing. I’ll be on time. I’ll work late to get the job done. I’ll never say to anyone ‘that’s not my job’. Instead I’ll say, leave it with me and I’ll handle it (then find out who does it or how to do it myself). I’m prolific learner and believe in continuous improvement. I’m highly motivated. I don’t shirk away from responsibility and hard work. I have years of life and relationship experience. I can handle stress with the best. The Lord knows the stress I’ve dealt with in this life and I’m still here, in one piece, and I’ve never been institutionalized. But alas, nobody asked me that question, not this time.

True, I did think of all the brilliant answers to their questions as soon as I drove away. Maybe I’m just too old for this game. Truth be told, do I even want to play anymore? Did I ever? I know I can handle the work, I know it, but I’m just tired of jumping through emotional and psychological hoops trying to prove it. There are so many things I do so well that are obvious to the world and yet, I find myself trying to prove I’m worth hiring and clearly not doing a stellar job of it.

If I really believe that God is in control of all of this and knows my needs (and I do and He does) then I must believe that these organizations are not where God wants me no matter how virtuous they seemed. This was not God’s plan for me. Maybe He was saving me from an unpleasant work experience or maybe He just has something far more ‘perfect for me’ in mind. I just need to continue to trust that He knows what He’s doing. I do what I can do in the flesh and leave the rest to Him. I need to learn to walk by faith not by sight.

True story… He has never let me down or deserted me before. Oh it felt like it at times, it truly did, but in the end, He has always come through for me. Always. He has NEVER let me down. He has never left me or forsaken me and this is something I CAN say with full confidence. I know He has a plan for me and it’s not to harm me, it’s to prosper me and give me a future and a hope…. I would have lost heart, had I not known I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Disclaimer: I feel better already. I’m moving forward with joy.  And this is what writing my thoughts down does for me (this was my first draft btw). It empowers me and encourages me and God speaks to me through my own writing. You should try it!