I began to sweat as I tried to balance myself in tree pose with prayer hands. Prayer is definitely going to be needed to get through this, I mused. I used to be able to do this. Do it well. Of course that was over 5000 days ago if you do the math. My personal trainer sister gave me this fat blasting yoga video the summer of 2004 while I was visiting her in Toronto and dying from the humidity and heat as I whined about my long sleeve baggy sweatshirt uniform. I remember her pleading with me to ditch the sweatshirt but it was my security blanket. I was pretty convinced I was hiding my unwanted girth beneath it. My sister assured me I was not. (Only sisters can talk to you like that and even that’s treacherous). I thought maybe I could sweat off a few pounds. Problem was I couldn’t move because all that heat zaps my energy. I remember her dragging me around her jogging path at 4 a.m. to get out there before the heat hit. Of course, I was useless for the rest of the day.
My sister saw into the future and decided I needed this video. I took it home with me, gratefully, and began to go through the yogi’s contortions in the privacy of my basement. I was doing it again this morning… almost 15 years later. I completed the 61.27 minutes this past Monday morning as well. My gut was so stiff yesterday I couldn’t cross my arms. I know…what’s that got to do with my stomach? Well you see, my stomach currently takes up all the real estate between my thighs and upper rib cage. My favorite clothes (in this size) are starting to feel stressed at the seams. Thankfully I’m not working these days and I can live in my baggy flannel shirts and leggings. Of course, if I was working, I wouldn’t have had the time to sit on the couch for 10 months reading, writing, listening to music, eating hot tomales and Starbucks sweet BBQ chips, drinking cranberry ginger ale and peach green tea lemonade. What’s done is done. Do not dwell on the past.
One of the moves for strengthening the stomach muscles is to place your stomach against the workout ball and roll your self forward into a plank position and then lift one leg at a time off the ball and hold it up in the air while balancing your other leg on the ball. I know it probably sounds easy but I ended up rolling off the ball and blasting that fat all over the cement floor in a fit of personal embarrassment and laughter. If I’d been in an actual class with other people I’d have been kicked out for being inebriated.
There is another move which I have never mastered and I’m quite certain I never will. You sit on the floor, with legs crossed in Native American style, and you lift both your butt and your tangled legs off the floor using only the strength of your (and by ‘your’ I mean ‘my’) weak and shaky arms, which are planted firmly on the floor behind you. Yes, the yogi can do it but hello? I’m lifting quite a lot more weight than she is. And that’s why I do this in the privacy of my basement. The standing big toe stretch can be pretty comical as well. I look like a spaz compared to the gals on the video. Thankfully they can’t see me. If this were an app on my phone, I wouldn’t be so confident of that.
I asked Lexie if she would paint my toenails for me and she queried “and why is it you can’t do this yourself?” I had to come clean and admit that the huge growth on my abdomen was impairing my ability to reach down that far without passing out, cramping up or falling over spilling red nail polish all over the rug. I’m hoping the downward dogs, planks and chaturangas will alleviate this problem.
I guess it’s fairly plain that much, much more practice is needed. I do know this…. after I do this particular yoga video several times a week for more than a month, I start to feel great and look more vibrant. I don’t even care if I lose weight because I look and feel better. And I just ignore the A-OK hand symbol that represents the past and the future…blah, blah, blah. With yoga you are supposed to empty out a busy mind. I’d better be careful not to empty out everything, I’m going to need some of that for interviews and subsequently, work.
However, it does feel good to stretch and move again. I feel like I’m doing something good for myself. I’m doing something, period. So even if visible results take a few months I know I’m moving forward. I frequently think of a movie I watched with Bette Midler and the short guy…..oh, yes, Danny Devito. I think it was called Ruthless People. Bette Midler’s character was kidnapped and locked in a basement where there happened to be fitness equipment and she got into such good shape during her incarceration that her husband wanted her back after refusing to pay the required ransom.
So back to the dungeon for me. Once I have the fat blasting yoga routine mastered again I will switch up my DVDs and let Jillian Michael’s get away with attempted homicide.
The Red Plaid Apron 