Driving to the other side of the city for a temporary job these past two days has been refreshingly eye opening. I’ve been chiding myself for so long that I’ll never be able to get back in the routine of working again. The impending reality of joining the workforce once again has loomed ominous. But my drive these past two days, in the welcome sunshine, has yielded glorious views of the Rocky mountains covered in snow. Sharp, etched and looking close enough to touch. Against the blue, blue sky, it took my breath away and caused me to send heavenward, praise to the creator. I thoroughly enjoyed the drive. Good thing because it took almost an hour. And to my surprise, I thoroughly enjoyed being in a office environment once again. Being useful and having a purpose and somewhere to go. Being with people.  A reminder that the world is bigger than me. Its so easy to have your world close in on you, when you spend so much time alone and are concerned about the future of ….well…everything. Your world and mindset get very small. Its almost suffocating. I felt like I’d just breathed the largest, freshest breath of air I have in a very long time.

This morning I was a little flummoxed when I descended to the kitchen to find it cluttered with dirty dishes, far too many appliances on the counter and several half drank Starbucks cups (guilty of at least one). My washing system was upset in the laundry room as my things were tossed…wherever, so someone could make room for theirs. There was recycling lined up on the inside counter. So I tossed the recycling over the edge of the banister into the recycle bin and heard it crash on the garage floor. My husband had already moved the bin outside. I couldn’t find the banking information required to get me set up with my new temp position. I folded the laundry and cleared the cupboard (organizing the dirty dishes in the sink so they wouldn’t look so frightening when I returned home), because I had time for that, and I drove off, later than planned. I decided I wanted…no, needed, my favorite drink from Starbucks. I was nearly inside the coffee shop when I realized I had forgotten my phone at home. (I pay for Starbucks with my iPhone app). So back we go, I parked on the driveway and ran into the house to fetch my phone and when I came out the garbage truck was blocking my driveway and I couldn’t leave. I felt frustration and anger starting to simmer and started muttering to myself. A lot of good that will do. Finally, I drove back to our local Starbucks and went in to get my drink. The young female barista looked at me and said “you’re killin it this morning! Love your whole outfit. You look great!” I hate to say I live for the praise of others and I truly endeavor not to, but I’m not going to lie, that comment really helped my mood. I drove off with my soy (yes I still drink soy in my chai), extra hot, 3 pump chai latte and all of a sudden all was right with the world. Shallow, yes. Fickle, maybe. And then I got to thinking about something we talked about in our home group last night. About how the Lord protects us. Sometimes He just makes sure we are not in the wrong place at the wrong time. Going back to get my phone may have prevented some disaster for me. I’ll never know. But that was good enough for me. I felt blessed all of a sudden.

The drive to Royal Oak from Bridlewood seemed much more pleasant this morning. Maybe because I knew where I was going and I had left earlier missing all the school traffic and all the little crosswalk pedestrians. I walked into the office already feeling like it was home…even though I only had another half day of work to do. But yes, I was into this. I could do this. I enjoyed the routine. The sun was shining as I folded my last project drawing and I left the engineering company at 1:00. Such a lovely day as I drove home down the freeway. I decided to drop in on a friend at work since I was free as a lark for the rest of the afternoon and the shop she worked at was just there. It was so decadent to wander through the gorgeous garment shop touching things, looking at things, visiting with my friend. And once again, gleaning a round of compliments on my funky glasses. Just confirming I was not the washed up, stodgy, old, useless bag that I had been categorizing myself as lately. They said my glasses were the choice of someone creative. They could tell I was creative. Who knew?

As I left the shop, my friend suggested I stop at a quaint, bedding store down the street, ensuring me I would love it. Love it I did. My first whiff of the scent in the air was transcendent and the novelties in the shop were heavenly. Unlike myself, I entered into a lengthy and revealing chat with the shop keeper. She actually knew of me and my daughter (from my friend down the street) and that got things rolling. After a wonderful repartee with her – she was charming – I skipped back to my car like a school girl. As I settled into the drivers seat I noticed a phone message on my cell phone and thought I would listen to it before driving away.   It was the gal from the placement agency I called on Monday (and two weeks ago). I was pretty sure they were not planning on calling me back and I told everyone who cared (and maybe a few who didn’t) that if I didn’t hear from that agency by end of day today I would move on to a different agency. Her voice was cheerful and pleasant as she suggested I call her back tomorrow morning.

I loved the area of town I was in so I drove around some of the streets taking in the beautiful homes, beautiful victorians and brownstones. My kids used to attend school in this neighborhood but my youngest graduated ten years ago and the area has developed so much since then. Towering trees and no more construction detours. The homes looking well loved and worn in. This also added to my frivolous mood.

I arrived home, just feeling blessed to be alive. As I changed into my painting smock to begin my next work of art….it dawned on me that this was, indeed, a beautiful life. Yes, there are many ugly and repugnant things transpiring across the globe but for right now, right here, for this moment in time, I saw the beauty and took it in. Compared to the winter my soul has been journeying through lately,  I was reminded, that when God shines his glorious light on anything, the world is a different place.

 

 

 

Why am I sitting here watching Olympic figure skating with tears rolling down my cheeks? I don’t even know these people. But the beauty, grace and skill that they exhibit touches the heart like a tropical sunset or the majestic Rocky mountains or the multi-hued blue waving ocean. The skaters make this dance look so easy, so graceful, so fluid. Yet you know deep down in your heart that these aren’t just skaters, they are athletes that have trained with every ounce of valor, courage, perseverance. passion and discipline they could squeeze out of their human selves to attain this level of athletic inspiration and perfection. You can almost see their souls and they are beautiful.

What is it about the Olympics that touches our hearts so? As I watch the inspirational commercials over and over – commercials put together with brilliance just for these games – of how many of these athletes have overcome affliction, injuries, near death, death of loved ones, bullying, broken relationships, financial constraints – such as is common to mankind and yet they pressed on to get to the Olympics.

This well known quote from Paul comes to mind…. ‘Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete should use self control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself my be disqualified” 1 Cor. 9:24-27.

The athletes in these Olympics and their stories make us believe in the strength and resilience of the human spirit. These athletes (ordinary people) serve to remind us of what we can do. We have mostly been born with the same physiological make up. Some have handicaps that will never allow them to compete and excel in the physical realm. But most of us that have been blessed with the complete package have the basic ingredients to achieve our best. What stops us? Our best may not be Olympic level but that’s OK. These are just ordinary people that have pressed themselves to do their best. The Olympics are not for cowards that’s for sure or people with a victim mentality. They are for people with a hope and a future. People that dare to believe they could be better and that they could attain something higher. These people (mostly very young) are not sitting a home feeling sorry for themselves and giving up on life. They have seen an ounce of skill in themselves and a love for what they are doing and have determined to make themselves the best they can be. Everyone laughs at the athlete that says “I’m just so grateful to even get to the Olympics – it doesn’t even matter if I win a medal”. Seriously, I am with them. Because yes they did have to reach a certain, unattainable level for most of us, just to get in the door and that in itself is, indeed, a victory. No lie.

I’m 60 and there is no way in heaven or hell that I will ever be in the Olympics….certainly not the athletic Olympics. Maybe if they invented a cooking, baking, decorating, event planning Olympics, I could compete. And yet, as I watch these young athletes I have to wonder why I am finding it so difficult to get my derriere off the couch and out on the street for a healthy dose of walking, or to the basement for an inspirational session of yoga, or even lift a few weights that line the walls of my studio. (They are not just there for stubbing my toes on, are they?) It’s not for lack of time or equipment or environment. Why don’t I eat the food that I know is medicine for my body and why do I eat the poison? Why am I not responding to every single posting for every single position that I even remotely qualify for and letting God do the rest? I’m disqualifying myself before I even get started. Why have the cleaning supplies been sitting in my bathtub for three weeks and yet no rag or cleaning solution has made contact with any porcelain surfaces yet? However, I am OCD enough not to leave the house without making my bed. What’s that all about? I have victimized myself and then I watch the Olympics and am reminded that I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. Instead I believe the lie that I can’t…why? Because its easier?? It’s certainly not inspirational or motivating or satisfying or fulfilling or victorious. I want to train as an athlete to live the victorious life. I want this to be my mantra. “Not that I have already attained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own….But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goad for the prize of the upward call of Jesus.”

Hebrews 12:1-1 says it aptly, ‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles (and the self pity) and let us run with perseverance, the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith.

And I well know that they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up on wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk (and do yoga) and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

How about these nuggets of wisdom?

2 Timothy 2:5 An athlete is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules.
Hebrews 12:11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Galations 5:7 You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth?

2 Timothy 4:7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

I think we see, in the Olympics, spiritual disciplines and principles at work and that is why we are so fascinated and inspired by them. Many of these athletes, without even realizing it, have dug deep and grasped hold of these spiritual truths and applied them to their discipline (sport) and THAT is the thing that is inspiring us. That is the thing that is touching our hearts. That is the thing that makes us cheer them on. We all have a void inside that can only be filled with God and His truth and that void is soaking up all of this amazing inspiration and example and storing it in our hearts, reminding us that we, too, can do ALL things through Christ. We can. Will we?

Let not just get inspired. Lets go to action. Let’s run the race marked out for us and get the gold (eternity with HIM).

For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. I Timothy 4:8

 

 

 

Apparently my skill set is considered pink collar. A Pink-collar worker is one who is employed in a job that is traditionally considered to be women’s work. The term pink-collar worker was used to distinguish female-orientated jobs from the blue-collar worker, a worker in manual labor, and the white-collar worker, a professional or educated worker in office positions. Who knew? I didn’t. But I’m down with it since pink is one of my favorite colours, next to black. Actually pink really looks lovely next to black. I digress.

As anyone who reads my drivel knows, I’ve been unemployed for almost eleven months. I never, in my wildest imagination, thought I would be out of work this long. It hasn’t been at all unpleasant just confusing. It’s baffling but as I have been pondering it in my heart, I have come to some conclusions.

After I caught my balance from being tossed to the curb of redundancy (I like to dramatize it), I made the decision to take a paid holiday. My choice. Since I had several months of severance I just thought I would take advantage of it and worry about employment later. Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow, you may still think of a way to get out of it. Well, 11 months later, I still haven’t figured out a way that we could survive financially without me bringing home some bacon. I considered a tea cup pig but that’s not really the kind of bacon we need right now.

I began to half heartedly apply for positions in mid July, as it was a requirement for collecting employment insurance benefits. I only applied for positions that I would seriously be interested in, in the off chance that I got called in for an interview and offered the job. Do not worry about what you will eat or drink or what you will wear or where you will work, your Heavenly Father knows your needs. I firmly believe that.

That said, as I reflect on my job search efforts over the past year it occurs to me that I’ve been projecting the wrong vibes. You see, many of my well intentioned friends encouraged me to start my own business because of my many creative skills and endeavours. This would be my last season of employment, why not go out with a bang? Not that I hadnt had these same thoughts quite often.

Then there was the other camp that said, no, don’t turn what you love into work. You’ll end up resenting your work and it will take all the fun out of it. You’ve got the experience to do administrative work and it’s been good to you (minus the shutdown and the layoff), so continue with that and save your creativity to bless others or make some income in your spare time. I probably should have spent more time on my knees and less time wailing my woes to others. Maybe they were just trying to tell me what I wanted to hear.

I’m not blaming anyone for anything. Once again, I make my own choices. But I had two interviews for two possible positions in September and both fizzled . Again, the week before Christmas, I had two more companies interview me. Few and far between. Once again, nothing. I was certain one of those positions was mine. Wrong again.

I have always been the type of student that does great on the day to day assignments but foils the exam. Maybe that’s what was happening here? I’m just not comfortable or trained to handle the Spanish Inquisition style of interview.

After talking with a friend who’d had some interview coaching and more insight than I, we came to the conclusion that maybe I was projecting a contrary attitude that I was unaware of and that was obvious to the interviewers. Was I really sabatoging myself? I think so. It occurs to me, because I hadn’t decided which route I would go, I was not really taking the interviews seriously and that was coming across to the interviewers. Plus those Christmas interviews? They were just an inconvenience at an inconvenient time when I was focusing on my favorite season, Christmas. Hello? Maybe in my subconscious I didn’t really want those jobs. I said I did, with my heart and my mouth but did I really?

Also, I’ve had a rebellious attitude towards the new interview process. I have looked at it with distain and haven’t tried all that hard to learn how to play the game. I have had an attitude that administrative work is not rocket science. Quit pretending it is, thus, possibly projecting a non serious and non committed vibe. Of course these companies take these opportunities seriously and they want to know that you do too. Oy vey!

I’ve had the good fortune to try out many of the ideas I had for doing my own thing. Planning events, cooking and baking for others, I even coordinated a wedding the day of, in the fall. I’ve remodelled clothes and sewn items for people, done people’s shopping and it finally occurs to me that no, I don’t want to do these things for a living. You see, I’m not a business person. Or even a marketer, I have many creative skills but that is not enough to run my own business. I’ve actually already been there and done that.

In conclusion, I have decided to learn how to play the game and get serious about getting a corporate administrative job. That will be my undivided focus going forward. That doesn’t mean I will get one if that’s not what God wants for me but I have to draw a line in the sand and narrow my focus and intentions. I’m not a victim unless I make myself into one. So I’m going to pursue temp work in the hopes of getting my groove back. Don’t cry for me Argentina.

 

 

 

 

Do you ever start to panic when you end up with a free day totally to yourself to do whatever you want? Probably not. But I do! There is so much I want to do that it becomes overwhelming. What will I choose? How will my time be best spent? I don’t want to waste the time but I often do, especially if the free day is a total surprise (much like the day I got laid off). LOL The worlds my oyster.

My problem is that I have so many hobbies and interests there is no way I can dabble in everything. I’ve got to choose one or three things and do them each justice. There are so many activities that bring me great joy. ‘The world is so full of a number of things, I’m sure we should all be as happy as kings’. Robert Louis Stevenson. Actually I don’t think there are too many happy Kings these days.

Should I read all day long? Should I write? Should I journal? Should I paint? Should I design? Should I sew? Should I quilt? Should I drive out to the mountains? Should I go to Chintz and co.? Should I hang at Starbucks (as I’m doing at this very moment)? Should I sleep in and then soak in a tub full of bubbles with candles and relaxing music? Should I call a friend? Should I go for a walk? Should I play the piano? Should I bake? Should I test recipes? Should I go to Homesense and Winners? Should I have a nap? Should I do housework (which I find very rewarding). Should I organize closets and drawers? Should I eat junk food? Should I go downtown? Should I hide out in the basement and play with my toys? Yes I have toys. Fun toys. Should I do a prayer walk inside the house? Yeah, I do that. Should I finish our ongoing puzzle? Spa day? Go to a movie? Watch my latest addiction on Netflix?

I think a perfect day alone would start with a vigorous scenic walk in the summer or yoga in the winter. No, the perfect day wouldn’t include formal exercise -I’d rather pretend I didn’t need to workout, live in denial for just one day. I usually like to Seek first His Kingdom (and hope that maybe God would set my agenda for the day). Followed or coupled with a nice sudsy tub soak in water hot enough to turn my skin red (I usually need an ice cold drink to accompany this so I don’t pass out). After that, set the timer and do some journaling followed by an hour of reading (for enjoyment and inspiration). Sometimes I just feel like I need to get out and drive somewhere, so I’d drive to Chintz and co. and pick up some fabulous decorating ideas. I just love taking in all the beauty, creativity and design I find there. Meet a friend for coffee and conversation at Starbucks (of course). Iron sharpens iron. By now it’s late afternoon, so I’ll go home and cook up a sustaining healthy meal for whomever will be home for dinner. Make lots so we have leftovers. After cleaning up the kitchen I would sit in my favorite chair and do some writing while listening to my favorite relaxing music. Read some more. Journal some more. Take a nap and then go to bed.

Days of my own should not be about productivity but rather about living in the moment and enjoying what is. At the end of the day, I want to feel inspired and relaxed and motivated for productivity on another day. An entire day painting is very cathartic too. I think I’ll do that on my next day of my own.

 

 

We all know that love isn’t just for one day. It’s all the time. Every day of every month of every year. I’m pretty sure that Valentine’s Day was something Hallmark, chocolatiers and florists invented together to boost their revenue in the long cold winter months. I think they got the idea from Christmas.

As a kid, it was just a fun day to exchange paper valentines and red candy (which is no longer acceptable because of red food dye fear) and to see how popular you were. When I was a child you gave valentines to your favorite people and it gave you the warm fuzzies. But that is no longer politically correct. If you are not going to give to the whole class then you’re not allowed to give at all. The world is so crazy and backwards. You still should be required to be kind to everyone but let’s face it, we are not friends with everyone. Ain’t nobody got time for dat!

At present, In our family, even though my kids are adults, they are not in relationships. And that’s just fine. When the right one comes along, they’ll know it and God will prepare them for it. There is a lot of extra heartache that comes from being in a relationship, even the right one. Better to be alone than in the wrong relationship. So for the time being, their parents are the ones that love them the most. So I do my best to let them know they are loved unconditionally and forever, by us. Valentines is just a day that we can affirm our love for others. It’s just fun. It’s also a good excuse for me to decorate and bake heart shaped food and buy candy and enjoy flowers etc.

It’s not about whether you’re in a relationship or not. Its totally ok to be alone. It’s not about judgement because you are single. There are a lot of heartbreaking relationships that also hate valentines connotations. I have let my husband off the hook in regards to great expectations. I dont need inflated price roses or expensive dinner out. Jewelry is nice but personal so I usually buy it myself (when I am employed) and everyone is happy. It certainly isn’t necessary. But Mike knows that if he doesn’t give me a card he is in the doghouse. I don’t care if he makes it himself. He outdid himself this year and purchased a beautiful one from my favorite paper store, Papyrus.

So we are staying home tonight to eat heart shaped pizzas and heart shaped red jello and probably watch the Olympics and this makes my heart flutter. To be with those I love most. In fact I feel this way anytime we are together enjoying each other’s company. Or listening to Andrew on one of his rants on a variety of topics. My favorite.

If valentines has any good purpose, let it be this. To learn to love everyone all the time. To be kind and generous everyday. To remember God’s love for us and pass it on. There is no one on this planet that is not loved by anyone because God loves each of us as if there were only one of us. People just need to know this and it’s our mission to make sure they do. Don’t just collect love, pass it on.

She is grace under pressure. She is beauty admist sorrow. She is grateful in affliction. She is soft spoken. She is kind. She is generous. She has a quiet and gentle spirit. She is a wife of noble character. She is a mother fervent in prayer. She is a lover of our Heavenly Father.

I watched her stand lovingly, with a servants heart full of compassion, by her husbands side as the C-plague was stealing his precious life away. For six long, heartbreaking months she was his wife, his love, his nurse, his prayer warrior. His wish was to pass away in the comfort and love of his own home with his own people and at great sacrifice to herself, my friend made this happen.

They lived in cramped quarters as they shared their adults children’s condo on their summer furlow from their home in Hawaii. Having no idea this small home would become a hospice with a hospital bed in the middle of the tiny living room, as summer melted into fall which finally froze into winter.

Just one more Thanksgiving she prayed. Just one more Christmas she prayed. Just one more birthday she prayed. Please not during the family wedding. But he did not make it to the one more anniversary and one more Valentine’s Day she prayed for. And now she is bravely facing a scary new world without her best friend, lover, husband, father to her children and friend to all whose lives he entered.

But she is most definitely not alone. Even if she didn’t have her precious children and grandchildren and loyal friends, she has a God that promised to never leave or forsake her. This is not a promise of no grief or sorrow or pain or suffering but it IS a promise of enduring comfort to get her through the darkest nights.

She has known great loss in this life as a car accident claimed her only mother and only sister over twelve years ago. She always asked me, it’s all about my response right? My children are watching for my response to all this. Will I let my sovereign Lord comfort me and grow my faith or will I crumble into a heaping mess? She chose the former. And I know she will this time too.

She may not appear to be strong tomorrow, or next week, or next month or even next year but underneath the sorrow and the loneliness will be a woman of great faith and strength, confidently forging a new path because she doesn’t have any other choice now. And I will endeavour to be there by her side, to hold her up and to learn from her example because she is my huckleberry friend.

Interesting trivia. It was exactly one year ago today that I embarked on this blogging journey. An entire year. I have posted over 200 times with 120 of those posts being actual written blog posts. It’s not easy coming up with topics sometimes. But I committed to writing at least once a week and I’ve managed over two. Upward and onward.

Unfortunately my WordPress blog isn’t exactly user friendly and many of my close friends and family aren’t even following or reading what I write. It’s sad, for me. I have exactly 21 email followers (meaning they will get an email every time I post something new). They may be regretting that now. I hope not.

I’ve been planning on getting to the bottom of why my blog isn’t user friendly. A couple of friends said they tried to sign up but they couldn’t come up with an acceptable password and so finally they gave up. My blog is linked to Facebook so if one happens to be on Facebook and is my friend then they might see my most recent post and be able to access the link there. Anyway, this is all, pretty boring, I know. My plan, all along, has been to fix this problem.

I still have a lot of work to do. To refine my blog. To energize it. To grow it. To make it look the way I want it to. I want it to be a place of inspiration. A place of creativity. A place of comfort and a sense of home (or that ‘me too’ connection.) I want to use it to pass along great ideas. Solutions. Humour. Fun. Encouragement. I want my blog to be edifying and useful. And sometimes just a little bit of silly. Or even an escape.

I know along with greater readership…say, 30 of you… lol, comes responsibility. The more folks that follow and read my blog, the more I’ll be open to criticism so maybe it’s been good that my growth has been limited to a select few this past year while I’ve gotten my feet wet. Comments have been few and far between. Often I have asked myself, am I wasting my time? But I know the answer to that question, a resounding no! This blog has got me writing and thinking and writing and doing, and writing and praying, writing and living. It’s been a place for me to get it out there and share life, even if only with 21 people.

Did you know that I can see how many people view my posts and from what countries they are viewing them from? That is always interesting as I wonder, who, in China, is reading my blog?

All this to say, please join me on another years journey. I’m going to make a lot of changes AND have an idea for a different focus. Stay tuned. Because I am definitely sharing this plan with you. AND I can’t wait to get started.