How-not-to-be Degree

I’ve always felt intimidated by most of my siblings.  Maybe intimidated is not the word.  Maybe its overshadowed…or left out.  You see most of my siblings have at least one degree, some more.  I mean one has a Doctorate.  I believe at least one of my other siblings has two degrees. Two others have degrees and the other ones, at the very least, have post secondary training in a specific discipline.  Did I mention my husband has a degree (Doctor) and also my son has a degree.  So I have always felt like the family idiot.  I know my mom hates it when I say that.  But truly.  Heck,  even my mom, is a teacher.  She went to Normal school to get her teaching degree.  Not sure if it was labeled as a degree back then.  We still tease her that she’s the only sane person in her family and its because she has the insight to head out and go to ‘normal’ school.   Maybe that’s  what I need…’normal’ school.

I have no degree because I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up.  Unfortunately, I’m 61 and I still haven’t figure it out. Therein lies the problem.  My mom really wanted to send me to the Banff Fine School of Arts after I graduated high school but I said no.  She was always telling me that I was an amazing artist and she wanted me to hone this skill/talent.  I said ‘Oh come on mom, we know the only reason you have all my artwork hanging in the laundry room is 1) because you don’t want anyone else to see it and 2) you are my mother. You have to say nice, encouraging things to me. ”  (Wow – has that come back to bite me in the butt).   But I often think…what if I HAD gone to the Banff Fine School of arts? What trajectory would that have set off in my life? Maybe I would have run into Trishia Romance while we both studied art in Europe and I would be her best friend…or at the very least,  artistic rival.  But no….that’s not what I chose.

After graduating from the three year theology program at a college in Saskatoon, Sask. (OK…I did have post secondary education but I’ve never used it for anything and word to the wise, its usually not an advantage to mention theological training in a secular job interview),  I moved to Calgary to find my first office job at the Bank of Montreal in the heart of downtown and the rest is history.  I just moved up through the ranks of administrative positions over the years,  taking some years off to raise my children (all the while hiring myself out to others redecorate their spaces or dress their kids or teach their kids how to sew).  I had a feeling of FOMO before it was even a thing.  There was always this nagging feeling of ‘settling’ in the back of my psyche.  But I digress…..

True confessions:  One of the reasons I didn’t ultimately pursue a degree or credentials in something professional was because in my heart of hearts….I just wanted to get married and become a mom and raise my children to the best of my ability.  That was not popular to admit back then and maybe it still isn’t.   ‘ You what?’  ‘Who bewitched you? ‘ ‘You want a barefoot in the kitchen degree?’  Well…..yeah.  Of course, at that time, I didn’t know I had chosen the most difficult vocation of all.  There’s no degree at the end of it but let me tell you there definitely should be.  In fact I would like to write the curriculum.  Move over Dr. Spock.

As a result of feeling like the family idiot…oops, I said it again, I became a voracious reader and learner.  I started reading how to be a better parent.  How to be a better person.  How to be a better friend.  How to be a better wife.  How to be a better employee.  How to be a better Christian.  How to be a better reader.  How to be a better learner.   How to recover furniture.  How to sew with velvet.  How to cook like Julia Childs.  How to paint rocks.  How to make paper flowers.  How to throw a kids birthday party.  How to help others grieve.  How to not let people walk all over you.  How to organize your pantry.  How to plan a trip to New York.  How to improve your marriage without talking.  How God answers prayers.  How to know God’s will for your life.  How to hear God’s voice speaking to you. How to raise a strong willed child.  Internet for dummies.  Facebook for dummies. Instagram for Dummies. How to pass an Interview for Dummies.  Gardening for Dummies. Painting for Dummies.  Budgeting for Dummies.  Weight Watchers for Dummies. Quilting for Dummies. Style for Dummies. I’ve read it all…. I’ve even read about Bitumen and how to build a substation.   And I’m still reading and learning.  All this reading inspired me to be a writer and now I’m reading Writing for Dummies. I’m definitely a proponent of life long learning and continuous improvement.  I know, for a fact, that the accumulation of studying, learning, reading and writing I’ve done could result in several degrees.  Lord, please don’t let me become one of those you talk about…always learning but never coming to a knowledge of the truth.

In spite of all my reading and learning and writing and journaling, I’m still making grave errors in judgement and relationship.  I still can’t budget to save a dime.  I still can’t seem to shake this last 30lbs. I still can’t control or change my kids or husband. ( Let me tell you…I’ve tried. It can’t be done).  I’m still selfish.  I’m still controlling. I’m still fearful.  I’m still trying to navigate disappointment with victory.   I still overshare (case in point).  I’m still introverted. I’m still intimidated by people – in general. I’m still needy.  I’m still surprised when bad things happen to me…because I thought I was a good person.   Hello?  I am amazed at how very easy it is to get disappointed and overwhelmed and confused and fall into depression (or turn yourself into a victim).  I’ve always prided myself on being more mature than that.  There’s that word ‘pride’..,.maybe that’s the problem.    To Botox or not to botox.  To care about drooping eyelids and sagging jowls or not.  To stay on trend or just wear what feels comfortable and looks good on me.  To be or not to be?  Well, I don’t really have a choice.  I have to ‘be’.  So what am I going to be?  I want to be more like Him.  More like the creator.  More like my heavenly Father.  I have a long way to go.

Folks,  I have done the curriculum, the internship AND the practicum on how-not-to-be.  Where’s my degree?