Field of Dreams

Its been the same with me and my creativity.  I can’t believe how long its taken me to realize that creating is my life now.  Its something I have dreamed of for many years as I sat at my personally decorated desk in a corporate office, sending emails, filling out expense reports, updating spreadsheets, making travel arrangements, organizing meetings,  photocopying and scanning, covering off for reception etc. Because I am a person that makes the best of every situation, I loved my job.  Notice I didn’t call it a career. But I was always grateful for the opportunity to work for a living. I felt it was a blessing.   Always well aware of the fact that it is HE that gives us the ability to produce wealth.  I truly believe that God led me to each and every corporate office job I had – for such a time as that.  But now He is leading in a different direction.

I’ll tell you a little story.  Revelation is a better name for it.  I had spent the past fall and winter trying to replace my corporate job.  Mainly, because it was safe and predictable and paid the bills so to speak.  Although, as those words come out of my mouth I realize that really it was none of those things – based on the fact that it was taken away just as fast as it was given.  My livelihood was at someone else’s mercy.

I was getting very frustrated and discouraged as door after door slammed in my face.  Some people didn’t even open the door.  I just stood there knocking anyway.  I am ashamed to admit how thick my skull must be.  However, one Sunday in March, at our weekly morning service, a missionary was speaking.  My first reaction was….BORING.  I’ve been listening to missionaries since I attended and graduated from a 3 year Theology program  in my early 20’s.  I’ve heard it all.  I know missionary work is important work and people are called to the field and its a divine appointment.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I wasn’t interested in hearing this fellow’s story.  I wanted something I could apply to my very stagnant and confusing life.  So I began to make a TODO list for the coming week.

Next, he asked us to turn to II Kings 4 – Old Testament.  This is going to be dryer than I thought.  (Inspite of the fact that our regular pastor had made the Old Testament come alive for me in a way I never thought possible).  But this wasn’t our regular pastor.  He started reading the story of a Shunamite women whose husband had died (leaving a heap of debt) and the authorities coming to take her two sons into slavery to pay off the debt. She asked Elisha “What should I do?”.   Elisha said “What do you have in your house? What do you have in your possession?”  The Shunamite woman told him she really had nothing at all.   Nothing but a tiny vial of oil.  Elisha told her to send her boys out into the neighborhood and collect as many vessels as possible and then to go into her house and close the door and start pouring oil into the vessels.  She didn’t look at him like he was nuts (as I would have) she just did as he said.  Well she started pouring and every single one of those vessels was filled and she still had some left.  She reported back to Elisha, in amazement and he told her to go and sell all the oil (Obviously a  hot commodity back then) and to pay off her debts and live off the rest.

Well my ears perked at “What do you have in your house?  What do you have in your possession?”  It was as if the missionary (or God himself)  had a megaphone pointed in my direction and was saying  “Geri.  What do you have in your house?  I know you have a basement bulging to the max with creative supplies and you have a desire to create and you’ve been given the skills – what are you waiting for?”   Why are you knocking on doors that are never going to open to you??  Get busy and start creating.  Use whatever you have and just start.  And in between the lines I read ‘and HE will bless my efforts’ and make it all worthwhile’. Pay off my debts and live off the rest.  AND DO WHAT YOU LOVE.  What you are good at. The movie Field of Dreams comes to mind, Build the field and they will come.

There are days when I wonder if anybody could use or even want what I could create or offer. Am I good enough?  Do I have what it takes?   But that’s not my portfolio.  My orders were to just start creating.  I often mentioned to family and friends that if someone locked me in the basement for a year, I would never get bored.  There is so much to do.  So much I want to do.  So much I want to create.  It can be overwhelming at times.  Now the trick is to organize my thoughts, plans and start making.

I’ve started deleting all the corporate job opportunities that land in my email. If anyone, genuinely trying to be helpful, gives me a lead that does not involve using my creative skills, I politely say “No thank you.  I’m good”. I know what I am supposed to be doing.  I must rise above the fear of failure.  I must talk myself out of insignificance and unworthiness.  I must not give into procrastination or become overwhelmed.  Just  create it and they will come.