I think I’m going to take a break from feeling bad about myself. Its time. Its so tiring. Plus feeling bad about myself means I am constantly thinking about myself. I’m so boring. I don’t want to think about me and my shortcomings and failings for a bit. I know at some point I need to make some improvements but for now I am taking a break.
Its so onerous to always feel like you’re a big fat failure. Can’t keep a job. Can’t get a job. Can’t lose weight. Can’t manage your finances. Can’t keep up with your domestic duties. Can’t manage your time the way the world says you should. I’m tired of feeling guilty for watching Netflix. Feeling guilty for sitting in a chair reading when the house is a mess. Feeling guilty that the house is a mess in the first place. Feeling guilty when I go to bed early. Feeling guilty because I still don’t have my own business up and running. Feeling guilty because I would rather be creating than selling out to a job that pays the bills. (I realize this is necessary but hello? I want to do my bliss).
All my parenting mistakes flood my mind and I convince myself I should have done so much better. I should be a better wife. I should be a better friend. I should be a better daughter. I should write more. I should create more. I should have gone on a missions trip. I should be changing the world. And why can’t I find time to play the piano? And why don’t those clothes fit anymore? Why are my eyelids drooping? And my jowls? And why does my lipstick bleed? And why are my feet and legs always cramping up, trying to kill me with the pain? Why is my yoga video so hard these days?
Why is there so much stuff in this house? Why am I continually purging? Why do I love butter tarts and french fries so much? Why do I like staying up late (maybe because its too painful to go to bed…that’s when the hip flares up…and the leg cramps). Yes I am taking Magnesium. Why do I do the things I don’t want to do and don’t do the things I want to do?
Instead of searching for the answers to these questions that bombard me day after day, I am going to be kinder to myself. I am going to treat myself the way I would treat a cherished friend. I am going to talk nice to myself. Encourage myself. Accept myself. Be grateful for myself. Not be so hard on myself. Be patient with myself. Not blame myself all the time. Not berate myself. Not doubt myself. Not dwell on past mistakes because…. Grace. Realize I am doing the best I can at this time. I’m not purposely trying to be a failure…it just happens sometimes. So what? Its not the end of the world.
I am a person worthy of love and so I am going to love myself more. Ease up and put my arm around myself. Talk wisdom and healing to myself (well I’ll let His word do that). I am going to spend more time seeking the creator of the universe because I know He loves me more than anyone and He loves to spend time with me. He accepts me just the way I am. He is patient with me. Endearingly so. He wants me to succeed. He has given me everything I need for life and godliness.
And He doesn’t expect me to be a size 4…ever. (especially since the last time I was a size 4 I actually was 4) He doesn’t expect me to be perfect. He doesn’t expect me to have it all together all of the time. He doesn’t expect me to know it all, all at once. He doesn’t expect me to run a marathon. He doesn’t expect me to drive a standard. He doesn’t expect me to look 25 when I am 60. He doesn’t expect me to paint like Trishia Romance. He doesn’t expect me to enter and win the next Great Canadian Baking show (although I’d love to try).
And maybe, just maybe, when I let myself off the hook and quit feeling bad about myself – all the time – some of the changes I would love to see will start to happen. When I quit striving so hard. When I cut myself some slack. When I quit putting undo importance on unimportant things. When I focus on joy and peace and not living up to the worlds expectations. When I relax and enjoy this precise moment. When I am more grateful that regretful. Maybe then I will enjoy who I am. Who God made me to be. Here goes…..join me?
The Red Plaid Apron 