I’m restless. I’m in a funny place in my life. Not really sure who I am and what I am supposed to be doing. It would be a gross understatement to say that life hasn’t exactly gone as I had expected it to. Nor has it lived up to my childhood fantasies. I am a bit of a dreamer and its probably a good thing because its those dreams that keep me moving forward and putting one foot in front of the other. I have always had deep within, the hope of something better. Something grander. Something deeply meaningful.
At 62, I am still asking the questions that seem to have no answers. Who am I? Why am I here? Why did that happen? What’s next? I like a bit of security…ok, a lot of security. I like to know whats going to happen and when, so I can wrap my head around a thing and prepare for it. But that rarely happens, does it? We are constantly thrown curve balls. And I am the kind of soul that constantly has unrealistic expectations. Because I am a dreamer, I often let those dreams carry me away on a magic carpet ride. I know, magic carpet rides??? Its a tough way to live, in reality. Especially when we are living in what Brene Brown calls “a political and cultural shit show”. I laughed so hard when she said that. My thoughts exactly.
I am also overly sentimental and an over thinker. So naturally, I tried to find the reason behind everything that happens to me. I realize that I have to learn to be comfortable with not knowing. Comfortable with being uncomfortable. This one I thing I know for sure, I don’t believe we are supposed to get used to ‘comfortable’. Nothing worthwhile happens in our comfort zone. Comfort brings with it it’s own brand of misery… eventually.
So as I ask myself the question – what now? – I find myself restless and unsettled. Antsy. Not really able to nail down anything concrete. I have so much I could be doing in my unemployed state and yet I find myself doing nothing. Except…. Binge watching Netflix. Sitting at Starbucks /Chapters drinking expensive sugary drinks and looking at mindless magazines. Labeling all the other patrons that are there every single time I am, as ‘the losers’. I’ve decided to change their label to ‘loners’ because they are always there alone – probably just looking for connection. Very often I am there with friends or family but just as often I am there alone – staring off into space or writing in my journal – desperately trying to uncover the meaning of my life. When I worked full time, I only had so many hours a week to do what I loved or what I needed to do to effectively manage our home. I was much more organized and since ‘free time’ was a rare commodity, I cherished it greatly and used the time wisely. But now, I seem to just drift through the days and weeks, not really knowing what day it actually is. I am not telling you this so you’ll feel sorry for me. Rather, your mostly likely thinking ‘what a pathetic mess she is”. I know, right? I’ve got to get my act together. Before Christmas I was SO busy getting ready for our huge family Christmas I didn’t have time to over think my current situation. I just got up every single morning and started at the top of my TODO list and 17,000 steps and 18 hours later I fell into bed exhausted. I thrive in those circumstances – for a while. Until I just collapse. Maybe that’s where I am right now. Maybe that’s all this is. I’ve hit a wall where I don’t have anyone counting on me and I just don’t know how to handle it.
I am actually fine with not working. Not working in a office. Not working full time. Not working in an office full time. I’d always rather be painting or creating or cooking or baking or entertaining or decorating. Writing or reading. Travelling is nice too. But, if I end up in an office again, I’ll do fine. Because I am a person that tries to make the best of every situation. I have a certain work ethic and I choose gratefulness daily (except when I don’t).
And I always feel SO guilty and beat myself up if I have a day where I absolutely get nothing worthwhile accomplished. I detest guilt. So….I think I am going to be kinder to myself from now on. I think I am going to give myself one day a week to just do nothing. I mean nothing. If I don’t get dressed or leave the house or just wallow in self pity or apathy – that’s OK. If I don’t workout and I eat junk – that’s OK. If I binge watch Netflix …that’s OK. I think I will make this day Monday. The Carpenters song comes to mind “Rainy days and Monday’s always get me down”. But I actually think I will look forward to Monday’s. No expectations. Don’t come and visit me on Monday’s because you won’t know who this sloth is. Then I am going to get up on Tuesday and start life all over again. And yes, I will hang out at my favorite Chapters/Starbucks a couple of times a week because its not against the law and I like it. And I will submit resumes and I will meet friends for coffee. And I will take my mom to appointments and for groceries and have her over for supper on Sundays and send her home with doggie bags and I WILL cook 2 recipes a week from my cookbook collection and I will read all of Brene Brown books – because I own them – literally and I could learn a lot from her. I will attend Bible Study and I will attend and host Home group and I will go to movies with my Mikey on Friday nights and I will paint my empty canvases and purge and organize and deep clean my overstuffed home (it needs it again). I will sew my quilts and my fabrics. I will write and blog. I will pray for others and offer my talents to bless whomever crosses my path. I will forget what is behind and strain towards what is ahead. I will press on towards my high calling in Christ Jesus.
Look what I just found in Romans 12 in the Message: So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you; Take your everyday, ordinary life – your sleeping, eating, going-to-work and walking around life – and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit in without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings out the best in you, develops well-formed maturity in you.
I think I just solved my problem.
The Red Plaid Apron 