I’m sure many of you will think I am daft, but I just figured out what is wrong with me. Well, I am sure that many of those that know me will have various opinions on this topic.
Whenever you lose something you cherish and value or have it taken away there is always a grieving period afterwards. We need that grieving period. Its not exactly on the same level as losing a loved one, but its the same process. And you can’t say well buck up, at least you didn’t lose a loved one. Brene Brown says there is no comparison suffering. This is your reality and you need to go through the process. And you are entitled to grieve that loss. In fact, you need to grieve that loss.
I did not have time to grieve the loss of a job at the end of October because I was immersed in full-time preparation for a family Christmas reunion. I had no time to think about what I had lost. In fact, most of the time I thought to myself, thank goodness I’m not trying to squeeze all this planning in around a full time job. I had no premonition that this was going to happen either. It was a total and utter shock to find myself driving home at noon on October 30 with a car full of my personal effects from my office.
I mean, I was hesitant to apply for this full time position last January but I didn’t give myself time to really think about it and hit send on my resume. I knew the job was mine if I’d only apply for it. I reasoned, this job could see me through until retirement and I was grateful for the regular paycheque and totally making use of the benefits. It was a God send and a life saver. It was a difficult adjustment – getting used to working full time after not for so many years (I had jobs but they were not five days a week) and to have to commute so far but I finally got into a rhythm and was really enjoying my position. The drive. Loved the people. Was totally capable of performing my tasks. I had the best work space in the office. And I thought I finally had it all wrapped up…my daily purpose and contribution to the family coffers. I made good use of my spare time since I had so little of it. It was great. I was thanking God for these circumstances every single day. And then, whamo….its all gone.
It’s only now…now that all the guests have gone home and the Christmas tree has come down and I have no where to go every morning and there is no money in my bank account that the reality of the situation has finally hit me.
Its not that I haven’t been laid off before….this will be the fourth time. You think I would be getting used to it by now. If this was a boyfriend or husband that kept dumping me, I’d probably decide to drop men for good. And that is how I feel about the whole job thing. Why would I keep wanting to set myself up for getting dumped again? Well…I wouldn’t and I don’t. But I do need to be bringing in an income in some way – for a few more years – so I’ll have to figure out something. But for now, I am going to let myself grieve. I am giving myself a time limit for this grief and then I will move on (because its not the loss of a loved one)…its the loss security and contentment and purpose and I will find my way again. I am just a little wobbly right now.
And if I want to buy a family size bag of munchies and pick out all the crunch-its and give the rest to my family? That’s my prerogative. I don’t want to hear any complaining that the crunch-its are all gone. I could just throw the rest in the garbage but I didn’t. For some reason its more satisfying to pick them out from around all the rest of the chips than to just go out and buy a bag of just crunch-its. That’s my story.
The Red Plaid Apron 