The Ugly Truth

Why would an old, lumpy deny-er like myself foolishly sign up for a gym membership? It seemed like a good thing to do at the time. I needed a new hangout. When you walk through the door of your local Starbucks/Chapters and all the staff yell out ‘Hi Geri’, you know you’ve been there too often. Don’t get me wrong… I love it there. But when the Chapters staff have your Plum card number memorized… it’s time for new stomping grounds. So Lexie sold the idea to me using perfect logic. ‘You need a new place to hangout-it will cost one Starbucks a week and if your going to curtail your time there then you just reappropriate the funds.’ Still making total sense. ‘You wanted to get more exercise for the health of your aging brain and this is an excuse to order those wireless earphones from Amazon’. Price of gym just went up. AND Lexie trains there so we could car pool when it works out. Plus there’s a sauna and tanning facilities and a hydro massage bed. So I bit the bullet and joined. One year commitment. As I was sitting in the sauna after my workout the first day, I was having buyers remorse. Maybe this wasn’t such a hot idea. Well, it was definitely hot in the sauna but … maybe I should have come as Lexie’s guest a couple of times first.

It’s not that I don’t like working out. I totally do. It feels good to do something good for yourself. Get the heart rate up and the adrenalin flowing. Get the bad cholesterol and blood pressure down. But what Lexie failed to mention was that the place was lined with mirrors. Well, I just don’t really want to see myself everywhere.  I tried not looking but I just ran into more mirrors with my eyes averted to the floor. At home, I could pretend I was pretty ok. Not here. At home I don’t wear racer back sports bras and tanks. I try really hard not to be in front of a mirror until I know I’m not going to scare the crap out of myself and others.

I noticed there are no sharp objects at the gym. Probably a good idea with all those people and mirrors. In fact, they should probably provide counselling after each visit. The sauna rules suggest we get naked. I don’t even want to see that.  That’s not happening. I’ll just wring out my sweatshirt when I’m done.

I noticed that my workout wear was also not up to speed at the gym. I’ve only been twice in three days but, so far, I have not seen anyone of my particular species, so looking at all the trainers and svelte bodies has been a bit daunting. I went to Winners to find some different workout gear. Turns out the plus size section doesn’t have workout wear. Why not? We’re the ones that need it. So I wrestled myself into the largest sports bra I could find in the hip young adult women’s section.  Who needs to go to the gym? That was the best workout I’ve had in years. Then I had to take it off. I didn’t bother going to the gym yesterday. I was exhausted. Anyway, no sports bras for me. They just flatten and spread and make your stomach look like it starts right under your two chins. Not flattering. Not only that, I have to put my hair in a ponytail if I don’t want to faint from heat exhaustion and I did not want to know what that was covering up. When did I start looking like someone’s pet Boxer?

And to add to the joy of the experience, I set out on the elliptical with my brand new wireless bluetooth earphones, and was feeling quite trendy for an old gal, I listened to three songs and a voice came on that said my battery was dead.  Are you kidding?  I’m 8 minutes into a 60 minutes cardio routine.  Problem was the instructions that came with the earphones were printed on a two inch by two inch paper.  That’s pretty tiny printing.  It can’t be read with the natural eye, so I just guessed at what they were saying about the red and blue lights.  I was wrong.

Joining the gym has turned out to be the perfect way to humble myself. Who knew? Who cares what anyone else thinks? Although I am fairly certain no one else is thinking about me or watching me, it feels like I am the gym entertainment. But I have every right to be there. I paid my dues and will continue to do so. And eventually it will get better. I’ll either start to accept that I don’t look 35 anymore or I’ll actually start to look better.

PS… I have a really nice personality and I can sing.