OY VEY

I don’t know about you but I go back and reread my journals sometimes.  A practice I think I’m going to quit.  It seems as I read them….I am still stuck in the same place.  And I think…what is the matter with you woman?  Why have you not moved on yet?  Why have you not conquered these things?  Why are you still in the same place?  Like the Israelites in the desert for 40 years.  Why were they still in the desert when it was supposed to be an 11 day trip?  Well….It was their own fault.  AND maybe God needed to teach them a few things?  Ya think?
Maybe He needs to teach me a few things and I am just being totally lazy and dumb.  I don’t want to be in the desert forever….eating manna and parched.  Rubbing the sand out of my eyes and nursing cracks in my heels.  I’d really rather be in the lush promised land of milk and honey and water falls and fresh fruit.  Walking through the lush grass in my barefeet.  Having learned all the lessons of wisdom and bravery.  That’s where HE wants me to be.  But for some reason, I’m lollygagging.  Is it because I’m having so much fun in the desert?  A resounding ‘no’.  Oh, its had its moments…just like the Israelites…they had some ups…just enough to keep them going and thirsting for more of God’s provision and protection.  But they were easily distracted and disillusioned.  And I guess I get that way too.  We live in the present circumstances and try to do what we can on our own to improve things and fail…when we could be keeping our eyes on Him instead and trusting Him because he is everything we need and want. And yet…..we keep taking our eyes off Him and thinking somehow we can do things better ourselves.  Well at least, that’s what I tend to do.  Why do I have SO much confidence in myself when I keep failing and messing things up?  It’s not because it’s so much fun.  I’ve got to give my head a shake.
So…this year I am determined to ‘get it’.  At least better than I have been.  I am old enough to have gleaned more wisdom. Maybe that IS why I am inspired to go back and read old journals so I can be aware that I need to make more progress.  I know there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus…but hello?  Everything we do down here matters for eternity and I am now closer to the end than I am to the beginning.  I can’t waste anymore time.  Then again, maybe the things I want to achieve and accomplish and overcome are not the same things on God’s list for me.  Maybe those are my ‘ things’  My hang ups and maybe that’s not where I am supposed to concentrate my efforts.  Maybe those things aren’t important in the big scale of things.  And God doesn’t want me getting tripped up by those self imposed ‘goals’.  It doesn’t do any good to make it to the top of the ladder only to find out its leaning on the wrong wall.
So I guess this year I’ll ask God what HE wants me to do.  What He wants me to focus on.  What He wants me to conquer.  I’ll ask for His guidance and His help and His provision and listen for His voice.  So before I make that New Years list, I am going to do a lot of praying and listening and hope that the words and goals that come out of my pen are His…for me. Not that I haven’t prayed about this before….but I usually pray that God will help me accomplish MY goals.  I’ve prayed that He would get me to where I want to be in life.  So this year….I will ask what He wants me to do and where He wants me to be and for Him to help me do His will for my life.
What can I say?  I’m a slow learner.  I’m an Israelite.  That’s why that  story is in the Bible.  And I’ve often wondered how they could be so stupid.  Oy Vey