I told a few people, just this week, that I think that life is just getting too much for me. I was actually unloading finally and admitting defeat. I’ve been keeping a low profile and staying away from stress because I just can’t deal with it these days. So many things just seem too overwhelming. I am sure I have PTSD over a few happenings. And just felt like, at 67…I’m done. I guess that’s it for me. I am still going to my 13 hour a week job but that seems to be my outer limit. Nothing else. I mean what happened to 65 being the new 50?
Driving takes it all out of me. I can drive. I know how to drive. I know my way around the city and I’ve never shied away from freeways or long distances but lately….it all seems too much,. Especially with the winter weather. I am terrified of snow and ice on the roads. I’ve made detours through residential areas where I can drive 30 klicks because I am in school and playground zones….just to get to work. And that’s in daylight. Forget about under the cover of darkness. I get disoriented. And then there[‘s the boogie man….
I’ve said no to all extracurricular side hustles involving baking and sewing and anything. I don’t want the responsibility. I don’t want people counting on me for anything in case I have to let them down. I want to be able to come home from work and do nothing if I want and not feel guilty because I should be baking so and so’s cake or fixing so and so’s dress or recovering someone’s couch etc. I just can’t deal.
Even walking around the neighborhood this summer freaked me out sometimes. I got my steps in close to home. If it was too windy I started feeling dizzy and unbalanced. If it was too bright it seemed to affect my vision. I didn’t even want to be responsible for the dog but I couldn’t get anyone to understand that so I took the pooch with me but I always had my phone handy.
I feel safest when I am lying in my bed at night. Barring a sink hole underneath the house….. I am usually trying to make up a reason to go to bed at 6:30pm because I am done with the day. But of course, I can’t or I’d be up at 3 a.m. ready to start the next day. When I’m all warm and snug in my bed at night I breathe a sigh of relief and thanksgiving that I made it through the day without incident and then pray I wake up in the morning.
Pathetic. I know. The point of this dismal disclosure is this. I was doing my One minute pause this morning (John Eldredge app) and I actually do the 17 minute pause because there’s no talking in the background. It’s a meditation practice to make it easier to spend time in His presence. I have found it to be very comforting and helpful. I desperately need to spend time in His presence just giving everything and everyone to Him. This morning I decided to not say anything and not pray anything…there seems to always be something going on in my head but I tried to just not think about anything and instead I asked God to speak to me. I just said…I am just going to sit here and listen and I hope you will speak to me about something. A few seconds later I started remembering the ‘crisis’ in my life that I have made it through…victoriously. Experiences that I thought would literally do me in…but here I still am. Then I started to remember crazy, fun occasions that I had planned for my family members and friends. I remembered the showers I hosted. I remembered family reunions I had planned. I remembered trips I had made happen. I remembered Christmases I had organized. I remembered my successful baking business I ran for 7 years. I remembered the dessert buffets I had set up for fundraisers and friends. I remembered the 35 dozen butter tarts and 70 pies I had been commissioned to make for someone’s celebration of life. I remembered some of the vacations I had been on in tropical settings. The Bible studies and prayer groups I had set in motion during my post Bible college years. The craft sales I hosted in my home. The clothes I had sewn for people The cards I had made and posted to encourage friends and family. The many crazy ideas I’ve had that my friends said…you’re insane that will never work but ….usually did. Then I was reminded how bold I have been in fashion and decor. Breaking all the rules and just doing my own thing. Having fun. Not that that helped anyone but it was just a statement that I used to be bold and crazy and up for almost anything. I used to invite people over for teas and dinner and parties….and go all out to make people feel blessed because I loved doing it. It was a lot of work but I thrived on it. These are the things that fed my soul. The jobs I’ve held and faked my way through. Being an office manager and executive assistant with no formal training.
I mean I have always been a more cautious person in many ways. not wanting to break rules. Being compliant to authority. Being responsible. I’ve always considered the consequences of my own actions. And I have always had an element of fear sitting on the back burner. Usually just enough to keep me out of trouble. But lately it seems to have turned into a fire breathing dragon. And has paralyzed me.
Then I heard the words, this morning….clear as day…after I asked God to say something to me and He reminded me of all the above….. DON’T SHRINK BACK. Don’t Shrink Back Now. Then the verse from Isaiah 43 “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you….Then Isaiah 40:31 “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall rise up on wings as eagles. They shall run and not get weary, they shall walk and not faint….
Don’t Shrink Back Now.
Our pastor used to always say at the end of his sermons. What is God saying to you? and What are you going to do about it? Two very important questions.
I know what God is saying to me….now I just have to figure out what I am going to do about it. Joshua 1:9 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go”.
The Red Plaid Apron 