I sit here under my sister’s spacious gazebo, my outdoor sanctuary, for this mornings installment of my retreat vacation and I have no choice but to listen to the birds. They are a choir, each with their own harmony. I don’t think they have twitter accounts but they’ve been tweeting all morning. Several are feasting on the fresh seeds that were just set out for them. I hear the soothing coos of the neighbors morning dove. City noises fill the air but I’m good with it. It makes me feel that all is as it should be. Landscapers mowing lawns, vent guys cleaning vents, large trees swaying the the breeze (yes, thank you Lord for the refreshing, calming breeze), kids laughing. The GO train zooming by with the click of the tracks and the roar of the engine and once it has passed almost a dead quiet again except for the birds. I may even hear a woodpecker. Did I mention we are under the flight path for the airport? So I hear planes high in the sky. People going places. Going on vacations just like mine. Some going for business. Some going for relationships. Some going on adventures. Some escaping and some coming home again.

It’s not scorchingly hot and humid this morning so it is quite pleasant to relax with a purpose. Purpose being to read. To write. To journal. To watch tutorials I’m always too distracted to watch at home. I have no agenda here. Well none other than my own and I’m not attacking it but rather embracing it and pacing myself. Being spontaneous, which is not natural for me. Every now and then I hear a car leaving its driveway and remind myself that I have no where else to be. I’m already here. No timetable to follow.

I rest here on this beautiful plush beach towel surrounded by my favorite things. Magazines, inspirational reading, journals, an ice cold grapefruit water and some licorice. A pencil case full of pens and highlighters. Tall full, lush trees…a private forest. Ivy climbing up the house and fence. Oodles of cushions to add color and comfort to this outdoor living space. Two swings I’m tempted to spend some time on, giving me a full view of the garden alive with lettuce, tomatoes, zucchini and pumpkins. Since my sister is the queen of mini lights, the garden yard lends itself nicely to twilight.

I’m not starving. Quite the opposite. I have fifty pounds worth of clothes in my suitcase, so, ample. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in, courtesy of my niece whose been relegated to the basement for my stay. We walked to Streetsville for a Starbucks this evening. Walking indicating health. Starbucks indicating wealth. And I’m so grateful for this ‘state of the union’ in my life.

I’m grateful for the people in my life. I’m grateful for the love in my life. I’m grateful for the faith in my life. I’m grateful that He will never leave or forsake us. So He’s with me matter what, no matter why, no matter when. I truly do have everything thing I need. And I’m learning to make this everything I want.

I told my family I needed a vacation. In my heart of hearts, I was thinking heat on my skin, soft smooth, warm sand between my toes, azure blue water as far as the eye can see, waves rushing to shore revealing beautiful shells when rolled back again (plus that soothing rhythm to lull you to sleep at night), palm trees swaying in the breeze. Fruity, refreshing, iced drinks to sip on for hours… that sort of thing. But that was not something that was going to materialize for us or me at this juncture so they offered to send me to connect with my siblings in a city where three of them lived. Any change of scenery, I thought, would be healing and life giving. I’ve felt that this past fifteen months had sucked the life out of me. Just get me on a plane to anywhere but here.

After I arrived I was explaining to my sister how I badly needed a vacation. I know people that know me and my situation are thinking to themselves…. from what? You haven’t had a real job for over a year. Haven’t you been on vacation? My sister quipped… perhaps you do not understand the concept of the vacation. Essentially It’s a break from working all the time. Oh shut up! It’s a break from anything that has you bound. Just waiting alone at the airport (with a million other travellers) I could feel the tension leaving my psyche. I was excited to wake up somewhere different.

Not that I love flying. I’m not afraid of flying, I just hate the whole process but it is one of the best ways to get far away. Personally, I love road trips. I love cruising down on the highway on a bright sunny day, sipping a cool peach green tea lemonade singing along with the Carpenters as I admire, in awe, the majestic Rocky Mountains. I think I know the words to every single Carpenter song by heart. BUT driving would have cost considerably more than this bargain basement flight to Toronto that I managed to book on airmiles. (Plus the Rockies are in the opposite direction).

So here I am.

My goal for this getaway was really a self induced intervention. I knew it was time to change my paradigms and with those, my pursuits and actions. What better way to implement these changes than to hit the reset button? Anne Lamott (a cleverly, irreverent Christian writer) is quoted as having said, ‘Amost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.’ So I am unplugged for a couple of weeks in the hopes of working again when I get home. I’m not referencing work as in ‘job’ but rather I will function better in life, once again. Not that it won’t involve some income producing work but I’m more focused on working as a whole, emotional healthy, human being. I’ve been believing lies about myself and my circumstances for too long.

I have to admit that I am quite excited to embark on my new journey. I’m ready for change. It’s been said that ‘Insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.’ Im pretty sure I’m not insane…by my standards anyway. Some may beg to differ.

I’ve assessed the ruts I’ve been stuck in. The thoughts that have been overpowering me. The way I talk to myself and I must say, it’s almost as if I’ve been locked in a prison cell and the key was in my back pocket all along. I’m looking forward to freedom. I’m wanting to break the chains of society’s expectations of me and follow where my heavenly Father is leading instead. This truly requires a paradigm shift.

In the meantime. I’m spending my days away lollyagging in my sisters newly renovated parlour, watching Netflix and HBO. Sitting under her outdoor gazebo reading, writing, and journaling with her garden hose mister keeping me cool and refreshed. Going to baseball games. Lovely walks through the quaint little village within a city where my sister and her husband live. Planning mermaid parties for my young nieces. Having long, meaningful talks with my sweet adult niece and her mom, my sister. We are solving the worlds problems. We are getting quite good at it. Well, at the very least, our own.

I sitting here listening to relaxing music which is causing me to doze in and out of consciousness as I write. Almost as if I didn’t have a care in the world. The fan keeping me cool. Surrounded by books, magazines, snacks , Eiffel towers, candles, mini lights, and peonies. This may not be the Carribean or the French Riviera but it feels like an all inclusive resort with the most personal touch. People hug me here. Unplugged and loving it.

Bravo. A word with Italian origins from the word brave. Brave, a word that means possessing courage or courageous endurance; making a fine appearance.

Who am I to talk about being brave? I’ve felt like a fearful wimp all my life. Afraid to go out of my comfort zone. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of people, strangers. Afraid of suffering. Afraid of ridicule. This fear is probably why I prefer to have every detail of every little thing planned to the last detail so I know what to expect. So I can plan a method of coping or navigating said thing. In fact that’s what I think control is all about. I try to control situations so I can cope with them. Something I can control doesn’t seem so scary. I’ve spent countless hours of emotional energy making my world safe, which is a false pretense at best. I can’t make my world safe.

We live in a scary world full of unknowns but also full of scary knowns. We know there is evil out there. We know there is disease out there. We know there are humans without much humanity. We know there are natural disasters. We know there are liars and thieves and murderers. We are extremely vulnerable.

I remember watching old western movies and thinking about how scary it would be to live in an era or culture where everyone carried guns and could shootup a whole town on a whim. Or hang people or decapitate them or scalp them…. hello? Sound familiar?

We’ve often heard the axiom that a person is afraid of their own shadow. You cannot get away from your own shadow. It follows you everywhere. I am even afraid of certain circumstances that I set in motion. Often, I’m afraid of expectations that I invented and now can’t live up to.

I was brave once. I was brave because I was afraid. Afraid of the consequences of not being brave… if that makes any sense. So I mustered up every ounce of courage I could manufacture and fought to the death for something I truly believed in. It felt good to be brave, as difficult as it was. It was empowering. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done but on the other side of true bravery is self esteem. On the other side of bravery is confidence. On the other side of bravery is wisdom. On the other side of bravery is more bravery. But we have to keep being brave or we slip back into fear and uncomfortable comfort. As I have.

I want to do something brave again. Recently I read an article in a magazine about a female rower that’s going to row across the Pacific Ocean in 2019. All alone. She explained her sleeping accommodations (on board) and her food provisions and said she was collecting 150 audio books to keep her company as this would take a few months. I thought to myself… wait? What? She explained how friends and family were fearful she was planning for her watery grave. But she’s still going. I was inspired. It reminded me of Esther from the bible. When she realized she had to be brave to save her people. Her response? “If I die, I die”. She knew she was put in her exact circumstances ‘for such a time as this’.

Another story, turned movie that stayed with me was the story of the woman who went on a hike from Mexico to Seattle or the other way around. She went all alone, although there were other groups doing this hike. She was not a hiker previously. This was all foreign to her. I believe it took her 3 months. All alone in the wilderness. It changed her life. What possesses people to embark on these journeys? To those of us comfortable in our self-made, falsely safe comfort zones, our first reaction is insanity. But possibly there is something in all of us or out of us that wants to do something brave or just be brave. To believe for something different. Something better.

I think I’m ready to do something brave again. Im not thinking of crossing the Pacific in a rowboat or wandering in the wilderness for 3 months. But even to just believe I could be different than I am. Brave enough to change. Brave enough to sacrifice creature comforts for a greater good. Brave enough to venture into something unknown to me. Expand my comfort zone. Brave enough to not be afraid of the future even if it looks very different from my past. Any uncharted territory is scary the first time. Brave enough to shake the shackles from my past away. Brave enough to forge a new reality and a new comfort zone. And yes, it’s scary and uncomfortable… thus the bravery. For such a time as this.

From early childhood, as far back as I can remember, food has always been a spiritual and emotional experience.  I’m not talking about the kind of emotional eating that therapists and weight loss programs tell you to avoid.  You;re sad, so you eat.  Someone yelled at you, so you eat.  Someone hurt you, so you eat.  Someone lied to you, so you eat.  You are stressed, so you eat.  I’m talking about the emotions of love and compassion with the end result being nourishment and sustenance as opposed to therapy.

By nature I am a person that sees the glass as half full.  I am usually the kind of person who is glad that there is anything in the glass at all. I would even go so far as to say often I am just  content to have a glass, even if its empty.  (Because I could probably make something out it). I have usually had energy to burn and ideas and dreams far too abundant to ever achieve all of them. I aim high.  I am not quite a realist.  I am an idealist.  I am a dreamer and a visionary. I know I am. I can’t even recount the number of times I have put forth an idea and everyone involved has looked at me like I was missing my nose and I’m thinking ‘what?’.  To be fair, I’ve had many incidents when they thought the idea was great as well, with one disclaimer – I’m the one that makes it happen on their behalf.