My child, you are anxious about many things. This should not be. It grieves me to see you stressing and striving and eating crumbs from the ground when I have prepared a table of the finest food for you (in the presence of your enemies). I would prefer for you to sit by my feet and learn from me. Get to know me and trust my plans for you. My plans for you are not to harm you but to prosper you and give you a future and a hope. Did you not scribble in your journal at the beginning of this year that your re-soul-ution would be to seek first my kingdom and watch all other things be added unto you? Am I the first thing you think about when you open your eyes in the morning and the last thing you think about when you close them at night? Why do you think this is not the case?

I understand (and can see) that you are struggling. I can see that you have begun to surrender to your circumstances instead of trusting what you know about me. I know you are dealing with several overwhelming situations that have stolen hope and joy from you. You’ve begun to believe that it’s all up to you and if you don’t fix these circumstances then nothing will change. That’s one thing about you, my daughter, you are very self-sufficient, to your own detriment. You have listened to the lie that it’s all up to you. Many people wouldn’t even attempt to do, fix or tackle what you think you can do all on your own. This is a stumbling block for you. It overrides your trusting me as your first instinct. Then you get exhausted because of your striving. You get overwhelmed because you feel all the outcomes rest on your weak and caving human shoulders. I have invited all you who are weary and heavy burdened to come to me and I will give you rest.

It’s time to contend for the promises I have freely given you and take back what is rightfully yours. Have I not said I would never leave or forsake you? Have I not reminded you that my grace is sufficient for you and that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus? I love you just the way you are and I love you with an everlasting love. Have I not promised that you will see my goodness “in the land of the living?” I also promised goodness and mercy all the days of your life. And I WILL be faithful to complete all the good works I started in you and your life. You are never alone in this shaky world and I am ALL you need. I love spending time with you. I’m never too busy to listen.

I know your heart. Man looks at the outside but I look at the heart. I can see in your heart a genuine desire to serve me, obey me and trust me. I can see there is gratitude in your heart as well but you are having difficulty keeping your eyes on me. You let the distractions of the world and the lies of your enemy get to you. It’s the plight of mankind. I know it’s extremely difficult to live in this fallen world and not succumb to its pollution and warped values. That’s what I’m here for. That’s why you chose me in the first place. I’ve given you everything you need for life and godliness. It’s yours! Just take it.

When the world is going mad all around you, trust in my promises to find the peace and hope and rest your soul desires. Don’t shut me out. Don’t try to fix everything on your own. I’m here for you.

I love you my daughter… if you, being evil, know how to give good gifts, how much more so do I, as your Heavenly Father?

“The world is so full of a number of things, I’m sure we should all be as happy as Kings.” – Robert Louis Stevenson. My mom used to read his book of poems, A Childs Garden of Verses, to us when we were small children. She was a literature teacher so I guess it goes with the territory. I remember this one well, probably because that’s the entire poem right there. But it has been very profound and memorable in its simplicity.

And, indeed, the world is full of a number of things. Beautiful things. Worthwhile things. Interesting things. Fun things. Creative things. I’ve been trying to keep a low profile lately as I finally realized that I’ll never get to these ‘things’ if I keep running around town looking for superficial excitement. Being unemployed gives way to a certain restlessness and discontent. At least when I’m working I always felt like I was part of something bigger, something more important than my wee little ordinary life. But who says my life is wee, little or ordinary? It can be whatever I choose it to be because I’m in charge of me. So I don’t have to give into that restlessness. I can choose to live in the beauty of all the possibilities available to me and my cherished creativity.

There are scenes to be painted, quilts to be sewn, food to be cooked and experimented with, ivories calling out to be tickled, books to be absorbed, wisdom to be gleaned, writing to be poured out on paper, loved ones to serve, friends to be encouraged, songs to be sung, paths to be hiked, mountains to climb, roads to be traveled, prayers to be prayed, beauty to be made and stillness to be enjoyed. Coffee and roses to be smelt.

I can give my life meaning if I choose and I DO choose. My life can still have purpose and I can still be part of something bigger than myself. Maybe even more so while I’m unemployed as I have more time to focus on all the pursuits that pass me by when I spend so many hours at the office. I have time for people. I have time for creativity. I have time for the pursuit of knowledge and wisdom. I have time to listen to friends stories and empathize. I have time to work on my attitude and my actions. I have time to make beauty. I have time to purge my life of useless clutter and fill it with glorious simplicity. I have time to listen to music and time to read the Word and let it heal my soul. I have time to focus on what’s truly important rather then getting sidetracked by the urgent.

Ecclesiastes tells us that there is a time for everything and a season for everything under the heavens. Therefore, there is a time to be busy at work and and there is a time to regroup and engage your creative side. There is a time to be on a rigid daily schedule and a time to loosen your grip on the clock. There is a time to acquire the needs of life and a time to learn frugality and a time to learn when enough is enough. There is a time for expedience and a time to be still and listen for His voice (which actually is expedient). There is a time to dispel the harmful stories in your heart that were leading you astray and a time to write and believe new stories that are based on truth and reality.

There is a time to discover what is true about yourself and what nurtures your soul. A time to discover who you really are at your core and to realize what fills your heart with joy and what causes you to grow and thrive not just survive. There was a time for mourning and questioning and healing and now there is a the time for action and process.

This is a time for purpose and intention. I’ve had enough of drifting through the days eyes glazed over with confusion and procrastination and idle talk about what could be. It’s all up to me to live a life of intention and engage my creativity to the full before God calls me onto something else. Who knows, maybe this is His purpose for me in this season of life. I don’t have to have it all figured out anyway, I just have to move forward. If you want to want to walk on water you’ve got to get out of the boat.*

So here’s to a season of less urgency, more focus on what’s really important and engaging in whatever it is that heals the soul and fills the heart with joy. Carpe Diem.

 

*Bible study and book by John Ortberg

 

It’s 9:00pm on a humid and hot summer Saturday evening in July. We are all hanging out in various areas of the house doing our own thing. Andrew has taken his computer apart in an attempt to fix the fan… once again. It’s seriously overheating which isn’t surprising given the temperature on the top level of this house. Lexie is flaked out on the TV room couch in front of the baseball game sound asleep which is where she landed immediately after work. Mike and I are catching the breeze out on the deck sharing a bowl of BC cherries. My favorite music is soundtracking our ordinary evening.

Andrew bounces down the stairs.. Who wants to go to Starbucks? So Lexie, Andrew and I slide into our flip flops just as we are and pile into my car. It’s assumed if moms coming we are taking her car. It’s a gorgeous evening so we roll down all the windows and cruise along letting the warm evening wind blow our hair about. It feels so refreshing. We choose the farthest Starbucks, within our area, so we can enjoy the ride. It doesn’t go unnoticed we don’t have to put on jackets or boots or fuss with our presentation. As we are. Carefree summer night. It reminds me of when they were little and we would jump in the car or walk to our neighbourhood Macdonalds for McFlurries and Beanie Babies.

We land into Starbucks 15 minutes before closing and each order our favorite iced tea lemonade. Venti. Light Ice. Then head out talking and laughing and feeling all is right with the world even if just for this one sweet moment in time. We’re making memories. It probably doesn’t register this way with my adult kids but this is the kind of thing that goes down in my journal and memory.

By the time we are driving home the sun is beginning to set. The days are already starting to get shorter. As we turn onto our street it is visibly less crowded and all the young kids have gone in for the evening. We can hear sprinklers watering lawns and when we walk out to our back deck we can hear muffled conversations and laughter coming from other back decks near and distant. My music is still playing in the background. Mellow. Easy listening.  Familiar lyrics and tunes setting the mood for evening and the memory.

I sip up one large, sweet refreshing gulp of peach green tea lemonade and savour the icy liquid as it makes its way into my system. I ordered a half sweet tea but this moment is full on sweetness. Small blessings. Sweet memories. Full heart.

 

My husband implied….sometimes I wake up grouchy and sometimes I just let you sleep. Why is he still alive you ask? Because I know in my heart of hearts he’s right and it’s true. I have been struggling on a few levels and I thought I was doing a good job of keeping it inside but apparently not. Apparently I’ve been spewing that slimy green stuff of Ghostbusters fame all over my family. In my defence, I didn’t know I was doing it.

My husband and I had a tiny altercation the other night and I was incredulous as to how quickly this turned into another night of Stampede fireworks. Then I basically attacked my family because they weren’t living up to my expectations or meeting my needs. My horrible bad. I adore my family. I would be lost without them. They are the wind beneath my wings.

Let’s face it, living with four adults in the house isn’t the simplest dance in the first place. Especially when two of those adults are still trying to shake off their ‘child’ status. Of course, I have all kinds of reasons and excuses why I would be grouchier than my usual easy going carefree self. Who am I kidding? Anyone that really knows me will know those adjectives do not, never have and never will describe me. I am deep, complicated and emotional. I can also be implusive with my emotions. My emotions are the bain of my existence… always getting me in trouble.

I guess my problem is I’m always trying to do Gods work and believe me, it’s not easy. I guess that’s why it’s Gods work and not mine. Why would I even imagine I could pull off what only He can do. My job is to just keep making my requests known, with prayer and supplication, oh… and thanksgiving and the peace of Christ that passes all understanding (because it wouldn’t be natural for a highly emotional person like myself to have that kind of peace) will keep me grounded in Him.

So instead of lashing out at the people I love most in the whole world and puncturing holes in the delicate membrane that is our family life I should have just taken all my concerns and stresses to the Lord and let Him work His perfect magic in our home. Well it may not look like perfect magic anytime soon but it will when all is said and done. He knows what He is doing. I, on the other hand, do not.

A friend of mine has this small problem and wanted to be transparent and accountable as she deals with this issue so she shared it with me. She put herself on a self imposed spending freeze because she thought she was getting addicted to stuff. She, also, happens to be unemployed and needs to be more careful and deliberate with her spending.

She read this book by Ruth Soukup called Living Well Spending Less and declared that it really got her thinking about how she spends her money, especially from a believers perspective. Most of us in North America are addicted to stuff, Ruth said. My friend also read another book by Randy Alcorn -The Treasure Principle, on what we do with our finances as believers and realized she had a problem.

She tried to follow Dave Ramsey’s advice and create a budget. As she was explaining to me the inordinate amount of time she is engaged in creating a budget, blowing the budget and revising the budget, it just seemed like a hamster wheel to me. After she finally revised the budget to work again by extending the dates of her goals (I’ll take care of that next payday) she felt empowered and at peace and then she would blow the budget once again by purchasing something not on the list – an impulse- she was back to square one. Something that finally occurred to her was that she could not put herself in temptations way. Hello? She had to be purposeful about staying away from temptation. She told herself she could handle temptation but clearly she could not. Famous words from the Shopoholic movie, “I have hands and it’s winter therefore in need these gloves”. Nevermind she had 25 pairs at home. I’m not suggesting that my friend is a shopoholic by any means but if the shoe fits, wear it (don’t buy it in every color).

My friend concluded that she spends a large portion of her time managing stuff. Buying stuff, cleaning stuff, protecting stuff, purging stuff, looking for stuff, insuring stuff, storing stuff and admiring stuff. So in the interests of living the abundant life Jesus spoke of rather than the abundant (cluttered, addictive, misguided, stressful) life that our world, with all its marketers and advertisers, promotes, my friend decided to re-evaluate her priorities. This was not something she could brush off and address at a later date. The longer she ignores this the deeper in the mire she gets.

Why and how had this become a problem, she asked me? My best guess was that she felt ‘less than’ in many areas and she was trying to make herself feel like more. Sort of like looking for love in all the wrong places. She, like me, also loves beautiful things and wanted to surround herself with beauty. She couldn’t resist beautiful stuff if it was within her means to buy it. And that’s another lie she had bought into (pun intended).  What were the parameters of ‘within her means’? She also shopped for an activity…. it was where the excitement was. She enjoyed going to the mall to hang out because of the hustle and bustle of life teaming there. I believe she felt empowered when she purchased something…. just because she could. She, like me, is creative and loves fashion just for the ‘fun’ of it.  I guess this is why we are friends.  I digress… My friend has been living this lifestyle for so long she, very innocently, believed this was just life… the way everyone lived. Well everyone in the middle class blue collar North American sector. But the light finally went on as she realized she was no longer buying items out of need, she was spending on the superfluous. She knew she had more than enough, which she mentioned was a gross understatement. It was just all in good fun until… well, it wasn’t.

Interestingly enough, she finally realized she had an addiction of some sort because the more she tried to stop the more drawn in she became. By the force of sheer will power she had told herself many times she wasn’t going to purchase anything unnecessary anymore but she kept failing. She even mentioned the words of Paul found in Romans 7 as she was tearfully explaining this compulsion to me.

15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me……24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

And this, folks,  is the real battle. The battle we fight within every single day on so many different levels.  We cannot fight this battle on our own.

So my friend is on a spending freeze for the rest of the summer (at that time she will re-evaluate) while she tries to get this thing, that has gotten away on her, under control. She is not going to do it on her own this time and that’s why she has asked me to help her be accountable. She is also going to enlist the help of the Holy Spirit because He cares about every aspect of our lives and how we handle the wealth that He alone has allowed us to create. Do you think she can conquer this? I’m just asking, you know….for a friend.

If I’m not a cowgirl then who am I? Well…… I’m a dreamer. I’m an idealist. I’m a visionary. I’m constantly creative. I’m nostalgic. I’m a romantic. I’m a sentimental fool. I’m a girls girl. I’m a writer. I’m a story teller. I’m a reader. I’m a baker, I’m a cook. I’m a wife. I’m a mom. A daughter, a sister, a friend and a colleague. I’ve even been known to cohort. I’m a Christ follower (which affects all other things I am). I like to plan. I like to make lists. I’m organized. I’m not afraid of hard work and I can be focused when I need to. When it comes to exercise… I’m all or nothing. (I must fix that).

I’m not a perfectionist. I’m more about getting it done than getting it perfect. I compromise in favor of getting it done on certain things as I know that perfectionism is the enemy of progress. I have discovered that necessity is, indeed, the mother of invention. I’m not hyper. I’m methodical and purposeful most of the time. I am OCD about certain things. I’m not into violence. I’m not passive. I lean more to proactivity. I do get mad but I can’t hold a grudge. Sometimes I try to have a mad on towards someone (or something) and then I go and forget and I’m nice to them. I’m more about relationship. I can’t stand myself when I’ve hurt someone or let them down. I will suck up to whatever length to make it all better.

I do not have an aptitude for math and that’s probably why I can’t memorize piano music. I must be looking at the notes on paper. I’m not lazy (well sometimes I am but it’s not a character trait). I do not have a green thumb. Many people have inquired as to whether there is anything I’m not good at and I usually reply: I’m not very good at losing weight. And I’m not good with plants.

I can be impatient at times. I can be controlling at times. I can fly of the handle easily but then live to regret it. I tend towards fear… way too much. I have high expectations of myself and often expect others to live up to these expectations as well and they can’t because I can’t even meet these expectations often . This leads to disappointment. I have a compulsion to be surrounded by beauty and when I can’t, I make my own beauty. For whatever reason I feel life should be beautiful, which is strange when a person reflects how much of life is unbeautiful these days.

I seek out the beauty in life. It’s just easier to cope with tribulations when you see beauty in your peripheral. Beauty softens the blow of hurt, unmet expectations, rejection, boredom, pain and disappointment. Seeking or making beauty is how I cope with life. Maybe it’s a bandaid or a mask but it’s how I cope. The flip side of this is that I like to make beauty for others too. I feel that this is a way I can bless and support them in whatever they are going through.

I am a mix of admirable traits and just as many that need to be honed and trained and some eliminated totally. I am a work in progress. God is not done with me yet. And every one breathes a sigh of relief.

I’m also unemployed and am supposed to be applying for jobs not writing on this lovely summer afternoon.