It’s 10:30 at night and the city is teaming with people and smells and sounds unlike any thing we are used to. It’s a world foreign to us. Rather like being in a jungle totally unaware of what danger might befall us. The place is lit up like a Christmas tree. Actually I’ve not seen any Christmas tree that could rival this. No wonder they need the Hoover dam close by. I don’t think there is a city in the world that uses this much electricity.

We struggle our way down to the Bellagio to show mother the fountains. Men of all ages are craning their necks doing double takes as Lexie walks by. I’m not letting that girl out of my sight. The fountains begin to “One Singular Sensation” , how appropriate and just as magical as I remember. Across the street the Eiffel Tower. Other than the scent of weed wafting over to us, it’s truly amazing. My eyes are starting to burn from the smell. We move on.

Clearly we brought the wrong clothes . Our clothes fit, theyre comfortable and cover our bodies. What were we thinking? And the heels on the cobblestone sidewalks, well let’s just say those young girls have more courage and stamina than I ever will. Maybe a little less wisdom.

And look at me still up staring out at the new Trump tower outside our hotel window at 2 am. There’s a Saks 5th avenue and a Macy’s and a Neimann Marcus AND a Nordstroms as well. Note to self: go there tomorrow and take photos of beautiful stuff I want but can’t afford.

Time for sleep. We have a big day laying around the pool tomorrow. Did I mention the 24 hour Starbucks at our hotel? God is definitely looking down on me compassion this week.

It was four Mondays ago that they phased out my job and sent me away. Maybe I made work a little too much like home and that’s why I miss it so much. I’ve been living a surreal existence since then, kind of like ‘who am I and whose life am I living anyway?

I’m not bitter or resentful about it, especially if I am confident that God is working out His plan in my life but it still leaves a huge hole that I’m wondering how to fill. Right, I was going to let God fill that hole this time. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t come up with all kinds of suggestions for Him… you know, in case He needs help. He does have an awful lot to do.

It’s like I cannot stop my mind from coming up with solutions and possibilities. It’s not as easy as those yogi’s suggest to empty out a busy mind.

It’s snowing this morning. BTW it’s April 24 for those not reading this in real time. The kind of morning conducive to sitting around by the fire feeling sorry for yourself. Just downed a few pieces of lovely comforting fruit toast wearing my plaid flannel dressing gown. It’s very hard to imagine that next Monday morning I will be sitting around a pool in Las Vegas in 31 degree weather. One usually doesn’t have to escape in May to find warmer weather, but I digress…. where was I? Oh yes. In the middle of felling sorry for myself.

What have I been doing for four weeks? Seriously, what have I done that matters? I didn’t realize I was supposed to be doing stuff that matters. Well friends have been taking me out for lunches and dinners and bringing me flowers (like someone died), I really DO love the flowers. I’ve redecorated the house and tested all the recipes in my French cookbooks (macarons, croissants, quiche, croque Madame and Monsieur, French toast, French press coffee, French fries), my son came home for a bit so I’ve been making pizza and brownies (a lot). (And eating all this BTW) I’ve been reading and writing constantly. If I don’t actually workout before 11:00 in the morning then I don’t workout at all. I’ll let you surmize how often I’ve worked out. So with all the eating and not working out you can imagine the condition I am in. I’ve engaged in a lot of shopping therapy. Buying stuff then taking it back when I remember I need to conserve money as I’m unemployed. So this takes up quite a bit of time. I’ve set up my painting studio again but as of yet, unused. I’ve pulled out my plethora of fabrics and patterns with the intention of sewing again. But instead I sit by the fire or at Starbucks in a trance sipping venti peach green tea lemonade (light ice) like it was life giving water.

I’ve moved into that reality where I now refer to everything as BC or AD. This is that kind of event. BC = working and AD = not working. Oh I’m working just not getting paid for it. Well actually they were kind enough to pay me for a few months so I AM getting paid to do what I am doing. Wait a minute. You mean I’m getting paid to shop, eat, not workout and sit by the fire? This actually is a pretty sweet deal. This is not the end of an era for me to wistfully look back on but rather an opportunity to seek what the future holds. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Time to snap out of it! Self pity 101 complete. And passed with flying colors I might add. I have a life to live! I have a purpose. I have a hope and this hope doesn’t disappoint.

With a little extra time on my hands I thought this might be a perfect time to reflect on the activities that end up being my days and the thoughts or perceptions that end up being my self talk. Why would I do this? That’s a very good question since I realize now that it’s not a whole lot of fun. Rather like dragging your fingers across a chalkboard. Please stop! I guess I was curious to understand what exactly was driving my thoughts and actions because very often I don’t like those thoughts and very often I don’t know why I do certain things and I’m not pleased with my actions. I want to sit myself down and give myself a lecture and a shaking -simultaneously.

It occurs to me that much of what I do is image control. Being very careful what exactly it is that I’m projecting to the rest of the world. For example, I really detest having to blow dry my hair straight. It is a task that really is not fun and takes up far too much time. So why do I do it? Why don’t I just let my unruly curly hair do whatever it wants to so I can do the same? Well because it doesn’t look professional (on me) and it doesn’t really scream classic and sleek so I blow dry, through hot flashes and arm cramps and sleep deprivation. All in the name of image.

I have very specific laws for dressing myself. Always always have butt coverage. No belts or tuck ins because of short waist. No cleavage-it reeks of desperation. If wearing loose and flowy on top then it’s skinny on the bottom and visa versa. Usually some degree of heels-I need the height to offset my linebacker shoulders. I’m well aware of the fact that I’m built for endurance not agility, in other words, an amazon woman (I should be swinging from trees). So I try to work with that. My new thing is long anything, long sweaters, long vests, long shirts – it’s makes me feel more in control and I love that Darth Vader swish and shadow. If this isn’t working the way I think it is please don’t tell me as ignorance is bliss. Bangs take 10 years off, glasses hide wrinkles. Hair pulled back makes me look older (so I usually don’t) if I’m carrying extra weight, which I am most of the time. That’s another battle. All this to leave a good lasting impression without actually standing out. It’s very intentional. Even the way I shop for clothes is specific… just in case you thought I just throw on anything. I wish I was one of those women that could just throw on a tshirt and jeans and toss my hair in the morning and look like Ralph Lauren commercial but I’m not. I do have to be intentional if I want to give off the (false) image of having it all together. I sure hope you didn’t fall for that one because much of the time I’m coming unglued.

My word. What I say. I want my yes to mean yes and my no to mean no. This takes intention. Sometimes I goof up but this is what I’m shooting for. I want to be remembered and known for reliability, responsibility, kindness, generosity, thoughtfulness, encouragement, vulnerability, humility and transparency. Projecting this image involves quite a bit of self sacrifice which I usually do willingly because it’s worth it. But other times I forget and well…these virtues end up not being what I embody. Forgetting is really just getting caught up in self.

Let’s face it, like anybody and everybody I want to be liked and accepted and I’m not adverse to adoration and praise either. That’s a weakness. An insecurity. If someone tells me that so and so Is great at this and that, I automatically assume that this infers that i am not. Which is ridiculous because first of all, its not all about me. I wish it were sometimes but its just not! I’m training myself to be more complimentary and encouraging with genuineness. It’s at waste of time if it’s not sincere. I think that’s how to get over this insecurity.

I am painfully aware that I am a chronic oversharer. I’m not sure if I am trying to fill in the awkward silences or if I am just so excited about my own experiences (revelations and insights) or if I’m just trying to hide all the insecurities inside by distracting you with drivel. Sorry about that.

My home is also an extension of this image I’m trying to project. Not so much because I want to impress but mostly because I love to be surrounded by beautiful things and my mind is always decorating and redecorating and imagining and creating. J’adore entertaining more than I actually do. But my home is an extension of myself and the image I want to project is hospitality and acceptance. Blessing even.

So if I get up early and workout – that is for my health but there is ALWAYS at least a small part of me that wants to lose weight so I don’t come across as a lazy slacker who doesn’t care. That is image control. The way I dress for work…I like to look nice but I also want you to think I look nice. That is image control. I Instagram my hobbies, accomplishments, my fashion, my special events, my family while we are making memories. If that isn’t image control then nothing is. Why do I want to share these activities with my world? Well because it’s what’s done and it’s fun. But I do use the best filter and the best angle and practice a few shots to get the perfect picture. This is called staging. Instragram image can also be referred to as branding AND that’s image control.

Then I remember that I am made in Gods image. He’s already designed my image. He knit me together in my mothers womb. He knew exactly how I would turn out because that is how He fashioned me. Who am I to say He made a mistake or didn’t do a good job on me??? He knew I would be broad shouldered, big handed, short waisted and short sighted, always struggling with my weight to meet the worlds standards, wreckless curly hair, thick legged, foot problems due to length of toes….and those are just my perceived physical flaws. If I’m not wealthy then God has a purpose for me in that. If I’m not an academic achiever then God has a purpose for that. If I’m not spontaneously witty then that’s not what God wants for me either. If I’m not a fitness guru then that’s not my purpose either. If im not a concert pianist then that’s not my forte either.  I’m old enough to have gone through many transformations in my life. I’ve felt the need to reinvent myself a couple of times. It’s hard work to be sure.

But I’m seriously endeavouring to let God do the changing, the transforming and the reinventing these days. I want to project the image of God and not waste my time with image control. I want to be who He wants me to be. And I want to be content being that very specific and special person. I want to get my priorities in line and be clothed with strength and dignity. When I get dressed I want to put on the new self -Col 3:10 (which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator). I want to put on the Lord Jesus Christ -Romans 13:14 (and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires), and I want to put on the full armour of God – Ephesians 6:13 (and stand).

There are so many things the world approves of and disapproves of and if I’m not conforming to the world then those standards shouldn’t even be on my radar. James says “religion that God sees as pure and faultless…. is to not let yourself be polluted by the world”.

This doesn’t mean I can’t have any style or fashion sense or my home should be a hovel or I should just let myself go physically or not enjoy the creativity and blessings God has given me for my enjoyment. But I need to hold these things loosely and grip contentment and gratefulness for dear life instead. Goal: to project the image of Christ.

How old do you think I am? Only her hairdresser knows for sure.

I guess since I do my own hair no one actually is certain of my real age. (well just the fact that I even know of this commercial sort of gives it away ). I could lie about it but why? I am actually quite proud of the fact that I made it this far, only by the grace of God. I have no qualms about reaching the ripe and blessed age of 60 grand years. So many others do not get the privilege to celebrate this milestone and here I am, relatively healthy and unscathed, over blessed with my experiences and memories, on the brink of this birthday. Turning 60 means I have completed 60 years not that I’ll start living in my 60th year. I’ve been living in my 60th year for over 10 months now and it’s been….OK. Well if ok ignores the development of hammer toes, excruciating leg cramps, grey roots, receding gums, gravitational pull on my skin and extra girth, memory failure….need I go on? My peers will understand and relate.

My goal has always been to age gracefully. My doctor recommended I read a book that outlined how to have a 25 year old body when your 90. Seriously? Why would I need a 25 year old body when I’m 90? This doesn’t even make sense. Eventually I will let my grey hair be my glory. My wrinkles a sign of wisdom and experience. My extra girth will be insulation against illness and a natural botox. As long as I am healthy, looking like a supermodel after 60 is unrealistic and unnecessary. Let’s not forget that I have never, at any age, resembled a supermodel. I will do the exercise and eat the whole foods. Get the correct amount of sleep and manage my stress and leave the rest to God. Self absorption is not part of my plan although I do tend to gravitate that way in moments of weakness and apathy. Lord help me.

60 is the new 40. At least that’s what I keep hearing. I remember my 40th birthday vividly (possibly because I have been watching videos of it recently). I do not want to go back there. I have no incling whatsoever to relive the past. Neither the good nor the bad and certainly not the ugly. I have tried to live in all the moments and not wish them away (although there have been times). My hardships and trials have taught me that there is always something to be gained. If you’re going through hell, keep going. Nothing stays the same forever. Not the good and not the bad. If you are walking through a summer season embrace it with gratitude and learn the lessons in that season too.

I’ve experienced many of the most memorable and precious moments I will ever have in my life during these past 20 years but I have also endured some of the most painful hardships of my entire life as well. I am overjoyed to report that I have survived it all. I have survived the moments when I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me and I have survived emotional open heart surgery with no anesthetic. I have spent days and nights with fear as my constant companion.

On the other hand, I have travelled to places I never thought I would. I have met people that have changed my life. I am surrounded by a home team. I have people I (we) can call in the middle of the night and they are there for us, no questions asked. I have witnessed my children grow into these amazing adults that we love spending time with. We’ve celebrated birthdays, graduations and other significant events with them. They’ve gone back and forth from living at home to not living at home to living at home again. Talk about a sentimental journey. And… I have been married to the same sweet man for nearly 36 years. That has been an enormous gift.   I have not had to walk this journey on earth alone and I’m certain at this juncture that we will grow old graciously together… until death us do part. My best place is wherever mike and the kids are.

I eat off the pretty plates and drink out of the precious glasses. I overdress in the luxurious clothes and the dressy shoes because my days are numbered and every day is a special occasion. What am I saving these for? I use any ocassion for a party. Life is a celebration every day. I give the gifts and spoil the loved ones while I can. If a friend wants to meet for coffee or lunch – I’ll leave the dirty dishes and uncleaned bathrooms or unbought groceries and go. I may never capture these moments in time again and I don’t want to regret being rigid with my parameters and priorities. I am quick to forgive and even quicker to ask forgiveness and admit blame. I don’t want my remaining life to be clouded by regret and distance from people I love and need.

In the past 20 years we have purchased (and had built) a brand new home. We’ve been here over 7 years and it feels like we just moved in last month. After 17 years at our previous address the move was nothing short of a nightmare and a miracle.  We thought our friends were going to call the ‘clean sweep’ show and enlist us. Thankfully Oprah is off the air. My plan is to be too old to lift or sort anything by the time of our next move. Half of this stuff belongs to the kids anyway.

I’ve had new career experiences and on the job training for tasks I never thought I was capable of. My past two positions have suffered unexpected demises but I know that I know that I know that’s Gods plans are not to harm me but to prosper me and give me a future and a hope. So I press on. At 60 I’m sure I still have another 10 years of work left in me. I may even finally start my own business or do something creative. Fear has held me back for 60 years. I’ve noticed the Bible doesn’t speak of retirement. People worked until they died and I don’t necessarily need a retirement when I have eternity in heaven to look forward to. My experience on this earth is not my last kick at the cat. Although this brief sabbatical is teaching me what all the retirement hullabaloo is about. It’s nice to relax and not live by the ticking of the clock?

In the past 20 years my relationship with my Heavenly Father has grown into something so much more comfortable and assured than ever before. I have finally learned who I am in Him and have experienced His undying faithfulness even when my faith has wavered. He has always been there for me. He has never left my side and I know now that He never will. His Word has finally changed my life. It’s no longer obligation or onerous or detached from my life experience. His Word is so meshed with my life experience now that I cannot tell where I end and He begins.

And although I am witnessing the world gone mad I still see Gods glorious handiwork almost every single day. A lot of the fear is gone or dissipating and I’m hoping there is a new maturity emerging. It only took 60 years. I’m still human and I still make horrendous mistakes and I still confront many of the same issues I’ve been challenged by for years but I feel more at peace with the outcome.

So… 60… bring it on!

Some of my favorite moments are days our family has spent over the years at my husband’s business partner and friends cottage a mere 90 minutes from our home in the city. To be honest, as a business partner we’d probably have not had the opportunity to use this lovely venue but these generous folks have offered it to us on many occasions as friends.

We’ve vacationed there when our kids were young and we’ve retreated there since our kids have become adults. We do our utmost to leave it in exactly the same condition we found it, if not better. It’s our way of showing our unending gratitude to use this quaint New England style cottage. It’s a waterfront property so our first view in the morning is the sun rising over the lake and our last view at night, of course, is the sun setting and the moon rising over the trees. When the moon is in the seventh house and Mercury aligns with Mars, it casts a rippling ray of light across the water and it’s mesmerizing.

One of my favorite aspects of the cottage is the seaside and nautical decor inside. Right out of Coastal Living. Everything is yellow and blue. Lighthouse pictures flank the front door as you walk out onto the veranda that borders the house on two sides. A favorite spot to drink your morning coffee or sip your evening glass of wine nestled on one of the adirondack chairs available. The charming interior is enhanced with all things seaside.. seashells, sailboats pictures, old classic books, throw cushions. We’ve been blessed to spend time at this cottage in all seasons. Sinking into huge, soft leather couches and breathing a deep sigh of relaxation in front of the stone fireplace is the beginning of a relaxing retreat. There’s even a heart shaped stone imbedded in the stone work coupled with a poignant painting of children sitting on a pier dangling their feet over the edge. This picture was representative of the owners children and cousins when they were young and more recently, it represents the grandchildren that now frequent this family getaway.

Another favorite thing I do at the cottage is to lie in bed at night beside my snoring husband (indicative of a deep sleep) and watch the flickering lights across the water from the resort town on the far end of the lake. My pillow is even with the lower edge of the window for a comfortable and lingering view. I feel so far away from the hustle and bustle of the city. I pretend I’m in the Hamptons.

As a family we have painted pictures at the cottage, played games, watched every genre of movie, baked, sewn quilts, read books, swung in the hammocks, suntanned on the dock, taken walks and jogs, found furniture in the ditch (dragged it home and refurbished it), gone to the farmers market, drove into the resort town for ice cream and groceries, ran into and visited with other friends that also have cottages in the area, eaten well and slept deeply.

We have so many memories at this familiar spot that sometimes we forget that it doesn’t belong to us. We’ve had the privilege and pleasure of being there at Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas and of course, summer. We have been so blessed to have friends that have vacation homes and have invited us to use them as well. SO BLESSED.

My aunt has a gorgeous peaceful cottage (we actually call it a lodge) on a small lake just down the road from popular ski resort in B.C. We have started a tradition of spending 5 or 6 days surrounding the August long weekend there. She is a very young, active and athletic 65 year old so Mike keeps her busy racing her down the highway on mountain bikes, canoeing all over the lake, chopping and piling wood, paddle boarding and planting things allowing me to couch potatoe myself on the dock surrounded by cold drinks, snacks, magazines and music and pretend I’m in the swiss alps. We do puzzles at the lodge and eat outside daily while talking to Neville, her pet squirrel, who lives in the trees hanging over the veranda. We occasionally make a run into town for Costco and Starbucks. One of my favorite pastimes at the lodge is to go down to edge of the dock in my pyjamas in the morning and watch the mallard ducks  swim and surface while listening to herons argue. The water is as clear and still as glass and I journal and take pictures. Another wonderful tradition on this secluded lake is the party boat phenomenon. These are actually motorized floating docks with chairs and music and coolers aboard so we can cruise the lake for a few hours at night with wine glass in hand and take in the sunset, stillness and lights across the water. I love being out in the middle of the lake in the kayak surrounded by mountains and nature. Although I’m not especially fond of the poison ivy I contracted the past two years. No more walks in the woods for this gal. Sitting on the veranda watching the moon rise over the mountains while listening to the cry of the loons is also a peaceful, relaxing experience.

We have dear friends that owned a vacation rental mansion on the Big Island of Hawaii and have graciously hosted us four times before recently selling it at Christmas (that’s another story for another day). More recently my mind flashes back to picking sweet juicy oranges off a tree in the back yard of another friends second home in Phoenix on the golf course. We’ve also had the benefit of glorious weekends on the lake with friends in Kelowna and memory making days at a friends ranch and sprawling ranch home not far from the city.

But my favorite place to be is on or near a huge body of water. There is something so peaceful and soothing about gazing at the ripples or waves. Laying in bed listening to waves beat the shore in Kona reinforces the message ‘you are on vacation’ because this is an impossibility at home in the city.

It would be a dream come true, a bucket list item,  if we ever had the opportunity to own a vacation home and use it to indulge all these generous and dear folks who have been so kind to us over the years. They have allowed us to gather cherished and treasured memories to last a lifetime.