I Was 25 Yesterday.

Every now and again I have this light bulb moment and it occurs to me that I am a full fledged adult.  Not just an adult but what I used to call ‘old’ when I was my kids ages.  I realize that I am one of these perpetual teenagers trapped in an adult body.  I mean what was it about the wedding, the two births, the mortgage, the life insurance, the business loan,  the bursitis …. that didn’t register with me???

Sometimes I still find myself wanting my own way and not understanding why I can’t have it (I’m of Israelite heritage).  I longingly desire to wear all the cute little outfits that the young women are wearing these days and imagine myself looking absolutely adorable and irresistible in them and then I get a side long glance of myself in a store window or mirror and think ….don’t be ridiculous, that shipped has sailed honey.  I’ve had to bring my heel height down a couple of inches this year do to corns and hammer toes.  Whenever I see women my age wearing mini skirts or short shorts with 6″ stillettos and white lumpy legs, a ruffly blouse with far too much cleavage exposed,bleeding lipstick and over processed hair….I want to scream at them….”Do you own a mirror?”  Thats one of the reasons I am grateful that my 22 year old daughter (hello) is living at home again.  I’ve asked her to never let me leave the house dressed inappropriately..several times, she has asked “Are you going out like that?” and I cleverly retort “Of course not, just checking the dryer to see if my real clothes are ready”.

I mean just this week I was talking to Doug (my hairdresser) about the most effective method to hide any grey hair that might want to shine through….news flash! My doctor recommended a 24 hour blood pressure monitor for me last month to determine if I had white coat syndrome or not (I do BTW).  In April I had a colonoscopy…hello?  They don’t give those to 25 years olds.  Drinking that collite poison was the worst part….I asked myself “Is this really necessary?”…but since there seemed to be a five year waiting list I thought maybe I should go through with it while I still had a colon to scope.  Then there was the life insurance fiasco…I mean renewal. How much?   Lets take the money and go on a Greek cruise instead…but no,  that wouldn’t be prudent.  When I was a kid I was going to eat Captain Crunch for breakfast every single day of my adult life…..that didn’t happen either.  Who knew Captain Crunch wasn’t good for you?  Who cared??

I went to buy tickets to a movie the other week and I told the girl “it’s the one with Barbra Striesand in it” and she gave me a blank stare. I said “You don’t have a clue who Barbra Streisand is do you?”…she shook her head.  Ok I said “I think it has Seth Rogan in it too”…Her eyes light up, now she knows what I am talking about. (Everyone in the theatre was about our age or older BTW).  We can always tell if we are going to like the movie when we look around and see what age people are in the theatre  (usually its too late by then we are drunk on popcorn and butter and don’t really care what the movie is about).

My daughter went to a wedding this weekend.  I find my kids always ask me  “Do I need to take a gift?”  I say “that is usually what is expected”.  The problem is that these days the younguns don’t want to invite Mom and Dad’s friends to the wedding….they don’t want a bunch of old biddies and people they don’t know there, but hello?  we are the ones with jobs and money….your peers don’t have money for wedding gifts (they are barely aware of the protocol of bringing one).  One of the reasons the parents invited all their friends in years gone by was so that you could be decked out with everything you would need to play house (which BTW, is what I feel like I am doing most of the time).

Well most of the parents have jobs….except me.  I had a perfectly good job but my boss decided to retire (he was only 9 years older than me) and I was out on the street.  Finding a job these days is a lot different than it was back when I was 25.  First of all most of the HR experts are 12 years olds and I’m pretty sure when I walk into the interview they are counting those glistening greys hairs peeking through and checking out the lumpy white legs and asking themselves “What is she thinking?”  She probably thinks Microsoft Suite is a new hotel in town.   Has she ever rebooted a computer?  She probably thinks Outlook is the weather forecast for the day. And what the hell is in that piece of luggage she is trying to pass off as a purse?  Hey kid, at least I have the strength to carry it all day long…..anything you need?  Just ask me….Im sure I’ll have it and it will save your life.  Possibly they are thinking,  you are actually going to work (hard and long and smart) aren’t you? and then you’ll just make the rest of us look bad….not going to let that happen.  Slam!

So my life has been filled with adult responsibility for years and I still didn’t clue in.  I mean where was I when I grew old(er)?  Why do I still feel 25 on the inside?  Why do I still want to do 25 years old things?  Why do I see a 25 year old when I look at myself in the mirror and then when I see an actual photo of myself….my heart stops beating?  Who is that woman?  I vaguely remember having an outfit like that and being at that venue….but I don’t have jowls!  Seriously,  who is that lady?

But….here I am, building, buying, decorating and living in a home and paying a mortgage.  Last year proudly attending the graduation of my son from University and sending care packages to my daughter living in London, England. Desperately trying to find a corporate job so I can contribute to our retirement fund…oh, wait,  we don’t have one.  Thus, the job.  Blindly giving wise and mature advise to my two adult children who didn’t ask for it….teehee.

Often we are invited to our other adult friends homes for an adult dinner party and as I sit around the table drinking wine, listening to jazz, eating gourmet cuisine, talking about our adult kids and our vacation plans, our homes, our cars, how to take care of our aging parents or deal with a difficult boss….its like I am having an out-of-body experience and the voices seemed muffled….its all very pleasant and I enjoy it…but I find myself wondering why these people can’t sense that I am an imposter in their midst.  Just a 25 year old pretending to be an adult.

From June 29, 2013

 

 

A House or a Home

Margie and Louise Boss’s house…that is where it all started. In thinking about moving and all the preparations I have yet before me to relocate us to another house I ponder with bittersweet affections about “home”. Are we moving from a home into a house?? Are we leaving a house for a home (to call our own) or are we merely moving our “home” aka our love and fondest memories to a new address.

I remember living in Regina when I was about 9 years old. I believe I attended Grade 4, 5 and 6 at St. Pius X. I had very good friends there..Margie and Louise Boss and they lived in the most magnificent house I had ever seen. Well at least to my 9 year old perception…it was amazing and I loved going there. It was an older house with much character. Brick and/or stone on the outside as I recall and surrounded by plenty of old wonderful trees. The inside was full of nooks and crannys and it had wonderful vintage furniture…it was so homey and comfortable and there were usually homemade cookies when I was lucky enough to get invited over….I would think of any excuse to go to Margie and Louise’s house (I would pick them for project partners and join the same extracurricular activities as they…anything so our paths would cross often). I think it was the memory of this house indelibly etched in my brain that set the blueprints for the kind of house I would want to raise my children in sometime in the distant future. I didn’t even know this was formulating in my subconscious mind.

This year we are moving to a “new” house…new in every way. I believe I am going to have to secure therapy for my own kids to navigate the move with the least emotional damage. (These are adult children, 19 & 22). They are utterly devastated to be leaving their childhood home. They are dragging their heels on all fronts. I can’t get them to pack up their rooms or get excited about the move or talk about decorating ideas. Every suggestion is met with distain. In fact the weekend I told my daughter we were buying a new house…she didn’t speak to me all weekend. I took her to see the showhome, thinking that seeing the wonderfulness of the new home would change her course but it only made it worse. She hated everything about the house…and did not want to talk about it. In fact tomorrow she is hosting a tea party with her childhood chums and their moms in honor of all the many precious memories she has experienced in our current home, before I start to dismantle it on Monday. I do use the word “home” on purpose as this is why this move is a crisis in their minds. The day we moved in to our new home she took off for New Zealand for 3 months.

At first I was upset that they were upset and I thought they were being unreasonable but it has started to occur to me that what they feel for this “home”- the house we live in now is exactly what I wanted them to feel. This was my goal and it all started at Margie and Louise Boss’s house. I was never fond of the idea of moving and upgrading and uprooting every two years or so. (Because this is what we did all of my childhood…moved every couple of years…always having to make new friends and live in uncomfortable houses…just when it started to feel like home we were uprooted again). My idea of home was find a place you love and stay there forever, make memories and always have somewhere to come home to. Let the place grow and evolve with the family. God has allowed me the fulfillment of that dream. The fact that my kids love their home and don’t want to let go of it tells me that I was successful in providing the wonderful atmosphere for home that I always dreamt of.

The kids remember all the cookies baked in this “one bum” kitchen (Lexie even has taken to baking cookies as a hobby), they remember the tea parties hosted, the wonderful Christmases, the umpteen birthday parties (all with a different theme), the backyard BBQ’s, the growth of the trees, the games played and movies watched (All the princess and Christmas movies), the sleepovers, the sewing classes I taught in the basement, our home group get togethers, the fun on the trampoline (laying on it at night and watching for falling stars – this was how we discovered Andrew needed glasses), our wonderful dog-Oliver (who passed away in that backyard in Andrew’s arms), the many rabbits and birds that have made our backyard their home, the snowmen built, walking around the reservoir (and picking Saskatoon berries and throwing Grandpa’s ashes in the reservoir), our long afternoons at Heritage Park riding the caterpillar (so close to home), Camping out in the backyard, their wonderful bedrooms, the seasonal decorating (that will continue), the Grow Op across the street, the hail that killed my plants and damaged our roof, the homework and projects done around the kitchen table, the stories read (finding a little nook and hiding out to read all afternoon or evening(Harry Potter) – I enjoyed doing that myself), the cousins and grandparents visiting and most recently for Andrew being able to come “home” from University where there is food in the fridge, laundry done, warm bed, surrounded by all your favorite things….sitting by the fireplace (which Lexie has been doing all week).

When I first laid eyes on our current home….I fell in love with it instantaneously. There were several obstacles that needed to be dissolved but one by one they disappeared and God allowed us to live in this wonderful house. I fell in love with the huge backyard (full of evergreen trees) before I even saw the inside of the house. I loved the double front doors. Once inside, I loved the stone fireplace and mantle and the wonderful flagstone patio and wall I could see through the dining room window, I loved the one bum kitchen with its entire wall of cupboards and little eating nook. I loved the main floor laundry and the little room off to the side that I imagined as a sewing room (we used it for that for many years and now it is a computer room), it even had a little milk door slot thingy in it-still does actually. For you millennial’s –   (In the olden days people used to get their milk delivered and the milk man would put it in this little cubby so he wouldn’t have to bother you at 4:00am and you would just leave the money in the cubby for him.  Life was so simple bafck then). I digress –  Then I went upstairs and saw these two wonderful rooms on either end of the hall with these quaint slanted ceilings and a window in the middle and I knew this was where I wanted to raise my kids. I gave one room to each of them. I had no idea we would live in this house for 16 ½ years….we literally raised our kids here. This house had SO much character and it became our home. We painted the walls red and green, we stenciled sayings and scriptures on the walls (as in the Word it says to write them on your doorposts and foreheads), we put up our own window coverings and light fixtures, Mike made little sitting areas here and there for us to hang out in, We took furniture out into the backyard to have an outdoor living room, we bought a swing which we swung on for hours and had many memorable talks on, we bought a gazebo to hang out in during the summer months, I semi finished off the basement as a sewing studio and classroom, we worked out in the basement and Mike installed a big screen and projector for watching our favorite movies. Lexie was always afraid to go to the basement alone because of the spiders. I love the fact that we had a computer on every level and would MSN each other to come for dinner or to talk….technology. So this house became our home in every way.

Of course the kids don’t see the same things Mike and I see. They don’t see the tree root problem in the backyard that sabotages our garburator. They don’t realize that it is just a matter of time before we have another sewer backup. They don’t see the daylight between the walls and the door frames or feel the cold air coming in through the antiquated windows. It doesn’t bother them that only one person can fit in the kitchen or that I don’t appreciate the bathroom aromatherapy that permeates the kitchen when the main floor bathroom is used (Not to mention the sounds…LOL). They don’t realize how much work that yard is to maintain. Up until they started to drive they didn’t understand the detached garage thing….not that just having a garage isn’t a luxury but now we will have an attached garage (bonus). They don’t hear the creaky staircase in the middle of the night because they are usually the ones making it creak as they sneak in when we are already asleep (not). I’m not sure they even are inconvenienced by the fact that there is only one shower facility in the house and no proper ventilation in that bathroom so Mike has repaired the peeling roof many times, plus it is freezing in there and there is not enough hot water for more than two showers and there are four of us. I think they have finally begun to understand that if anyone is having a shower, you can’t flush the toilet, use the washing machine or dishwasher or even fill the sink for dishes as the person in the shower screams bloody blue murder when they are scalded or shot with a blast of ice water.

My heart leaps for joy as it occurs to me that (with the Lord’s guidance) that I was able to make our house a “home”. A home is not about the 4 walls it is about what goes on inside those 4 walls. You’ve heard the expression “Home is where the heart is”…that is so profound because truly home IS where the heart is and right now Andrew and Lexie’s heart is with this “home” but what they have yet to unearth is the fact that home is about being with people you love and that love you…home is about safety and memories and they will still have all of this in the new house. We will be packing our memories and our love up with the rest of our earthy possessions and moving it all over to 230 Bridlerange Place. By wisdom a house is built, but by understanding it is established. It is wise to build a house and then fill it with the understanding that it is love and memories that make it a home.

If I could use this move as an analogy of what God has taught us…this world is not our home. We are moving on to something far better….so we are not to get too attached to it. We need to let go of something great for something far better. I believe it is the same with moving on earth….we need to let go and make room for something better. God’s best. We must be careful not to hold SO tightly to the past that we don’t make room for the future. Letting go is hard, to be sure. I have experienced this in the entire process of letting go of my kids (not to say I have achieved this yet-I’m working on it). We want to hang on so tightly…there is a certain safety in hanging on (for dear life) and yet not. I believe God has revealed to me that “Behold He IS doing a new thing…Can we not perceive it?”….I, for one, can perceive it. For Mike and I, it is time for a change. Those of you who have been married for 28 years and counting know that we need to let go of past pain and disappointment and stress….it is said that a change is as good as a rest and I am ready for a rest. I believe God has SO much in store for us in this new place. No it is not the Trump Tower, the Playboy Mansion, the Banff Springs hotel or even the Hansen’s ranch but it will be “home”. We will make new memories and move into a new phase in our lives. Mike and I have spent our entire lives doing things for the kids and I believe this new house is something we do for “us”…something God has blessed us with. A home is not about 4 walls (just as a church is not the building…it is the people). I am pretty sure if Mike reads this he will be thinking “I thought I was just buying 4 walls, a roof and a garage…who knew how deep all this was?” because, of course, Mike did not have the dream of Margie and Louise Boss’s house in mind when we started out (and he didn’t even know I did).

So I DO totally understand my kids “mourning” for what they are leaving behind. Go ahead and mourn kids. It is good for the soul. There is a time for everything and there is a season (In fact I have decided I am going to collect old European clocks for this new house as a memorial to that fact). There is a time for mourning. Yes they are leaving a wonderful blessed childhood behind and Praise God that is what it turned out to be for them. Luckily we can take our memories with us wherever we go…it is only the four walls that remain.

I will endeavor to turn our new house into a “home” for us all. It will also be a place to come home to. When you come to this home you will find love, safety, warmth, comfort and even a few new and improved luxuries. So often I have had friends and family come to our place and not want to leave because of the homey atmosphere and that is what I would like to create in our new home. The Lord has blessed me with a knack for creating this atmosphere and it will be a challenge to take those new, freshly built and painted cold lifeless walls and ceiling and turn them into “home”. I am excited….hopefully when the kids are done mourning the excitement will catch on. They are off to bigger and better places anyway….and they will leave Mike and I alone in our new “home” but it will always be there for them whenever they want to return (with significant others and grandchildren and friends and memories). We are their home!

January 8th, 2010  – Two months before moving into our new home.

And I think to Myself What a Wonderful World

I have been thinking about this all week…what a truly amazing life I have.  Yes…I DO have problems and trials (such as in common to mankind), Yes…I get frustrated and upset and sometimes even angry (shhh).  Everything doesn’t always work out the way I plan it, in fact more often than not it doesn’t.  Everybody doesn’t always behave the way I want them to  (not even me). Sometimes I stub my toes (pain level 10) and brake my nails (pain level 9) not to mention my nightly leg cramps (pain level 12)  and I start to feel ill when Im in the middle of a shopping excursion or my car runs out of gas or my boss decides to retire and closes up shop and a year later I am still looking for a job or I get anxious because of my adult children’s circumstances or my husband injures himself and limps for months. I put on a pair of pants and they are too tight (stupid dryer shrinks everything).  The news is deplorable most days and the reality of what goes on in the world is daunting to be sure.  Every day people die prematurely and heinous crimes are committed. Often I get tired, and fearful and anxious and frankly just want to crawl up in ball and cry my heart out…but all in all the good outweighs the bad. 

I have such great memories and a rich heritage and have had such great opportunities and am presently living in comfortable, safe circumstances.  I have love in my life…people to love and people who love me. I have my health (even if the Life Insurance Company is trying to penalize me because I was given a 24 hour Blood Pressure monitor to wear- they are measuring my coffin as I type $$$$$).  I get up every morning beside a wonderful man and I am well rested because of my warm cozy bed and I get to workout because I am healthy and have energy and an elliptical in the basement (along with every other type of workout paraphernalia a person can have.  I should be the most fit person you know but I’m not). I have many loyal and precious friends and an affirming and encouraging community of faith. I have a car to drive (with a 6CD stereo and can sing to my hearts content anywhere I go) and an iPhone to be addicted to and addicted I am.  Our fridge and pantry are brimming with sustenance (its obvious I am not starving to death).  I have been blessed with the good fortune to travel and learn and relax and be blown away by many wonders of the world.  I have such an abundance of material possessions that I find myself purging every few months.

Best of all….God tells me in HIS word that I don’t need to fear or worry…in fact anything that is not of faith is  not pleasing in His sight.  Fear and worry are not of faith.  AND I know that He has a plan for me, not to harm me but to prosper me and give me a future AND a hope.  God tells his people to NOT fear more times in the Bible than almost any other warming, affirmation, advice or wisdom.  Do not fear and Do not worry.  What will fear and worry add to my life?  Nothing but misery.  So My God says Do not fear and Do not worry!  His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  There have been occasions where I have felt overwhelmed and wondered how this could all be true…but I know it is.  God has taken care of me before in dire circumstances and I know that HE can and will do it again.  My head knowledge has started to move into my heart I think.  Im starting to believe what I already know.

So to sit around and fear and worry and choose negative thoughts really don’t do a thing for me or my quality of life.  But to trust God…now thats a quality of life worth living. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. I am a work in progress but this week I am just trusting God and not giving in to worry or fear for it is a useless activity and I find that I have much more time to enjoy this wonderful life that God has created for me. Its amazing how much more a person can get done (and enjoy it) when they are not dragging themselves down with fear and worry.  My heavenly Father created the universe and He calls me friend so…I’ll let Him take care of me and try to enjoy His blessings with out taking them for granted.  I also find the best way to get my focus off of myself and my problems is to put my focus into serving, loving or encouraging someone else.  And this, my friend, is what makes a ‘Wonderful World”.  Selah!

From April 26, 2013

What a Wonderful World

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They’re really saying I love you

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more than I’ll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world

– Louis Armstrong

 

 

The Soundtrack of my Life

Have you ever stopped to consider the power of the music as you are engrossed in a movie?  Depending what is going on, the scene is enhanced or brought to life by the music that we tend to think is just in the background.  Very often we don’t even notice it. But the music is a very strategic part of the plot to draw us into the story and cause to feel all the emotions that the director wants felt and then some. That’s why entire musical scores have been written for certain movies and those movies are known by those scores. John Williams’s music for example.  He is the composer of some of the most powerful music in Hollywood history.  Star Wars, Indiana Jones, E.T., Home Alone, Jurassic Park, Step Mom, Amistad, Harry Potter, The Book Thief, Lincoln, War Horse, Saving Private Ryan, Schindlers List….just to name a few.  If you find yourself sitting the theatre crying, whether with joy or with sorrow, you can probably assume that John Williams has written the music that you aren’t paying any attention to. He uses only the good notes.  I have often heard people say ‘well of course that is poignant and touching and powerful, they’ve got this music playing in the background…we don’t have that in real life.” 

I beg to differ.  My life is filled with soundtrack. The power of music has been a trigger for emotions and feelings all my life. Music has been a comfort and a safe place. Music has been a distraction and a welcome friend.  Music can sooth the soul and heal the heart. There are so many seasons of life – events, celebrations, and milestones that I can relate to a particular song and when I hear that song (music and/or lyrics) all those memories and feelings come rushing back to me no matter how many years have gone by. I very rarely don’t have music playing.  In the car, on my iPad, when I’m soaking in the tub, when I’m driving (around town or on road trips), when I’m lying on a beach when we are sharing dinner with friends on any occasion.  Wherever I am, I need music. So I actually DO have a soundtrack to my life. If Lexie happens to come home to a quiet house and I am in the kitchen cooking or the living room reading (actually it’s the same room) she will look at me quizzically and ask “No music?” 

It’s usually the first thing I do when I descend to the main floor of the house each morning – turn on the music (wash the counter tops, sweep the floor, turn off the outdoor light, throw a load in the washer…) all done cheerfully to music. As far back as I can remember music has been an integral part of our lives, and by ‘our’, I mean my siblings and I.  On almost any Sunday afternoon we could find my dad laying on the rug on the living room just next to the cabinet stereo – a prized piece of my mother’s furniture – with his eyes closed, deeply immersed in the music.  If you were lucky, every now and then, you would hear him singing along or humming or whistling if there were no lyrics.  His music was Herb Albert and the Tijuanna Brass, Earl Grant, Arthur Fideler – that crowd.  He must have also listened to Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, Bing Crosby, Louis Armstrong, Nat King Cole, Billi Holliday and gang as we grew up loving that music and we don’t even know why. Even now when I hear the musical stylings of Ella or Frank as I pick up my morning Starbucks, I want to linger for the rest of the morning.  This music became embedded in my head, heart and soul.   

As a teacher, my mom wanted to raise her children to appreciate music and culture so once we were old enough she began taking us to the classic musicals at the theatres.  Only musicals.  Dressed in our Sunday best we would  head out to the theatre.  A big event for us.  We started out with Mary Poppins, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Camelot, Thoroughly Modern Milly and The Sound of Music.  Following these events mom would inevitably buy us the album (vinyl) and we would play these records over and over and sing along and memorize every word.  When we went on road trips we would sing the musicals acapella until we drove my father nuts. My sisters and I (4 of us) often shared a single room back then and I would lay in bed and sing them all to sleep with Close your Eyes on Hushabye Mountain (Chitty Chitty Bang Bang) and Edelweiss (Sound of Music) and Feed the Birds (Mary Poppins) to the chants of ‘sing it again Dean’.  Good night John Boy.

 More often than not my dad would be playing Hagood Hardy on the 8 Track as we drove through the mountains on our way to our family holiday campsite. To this day when I hear Hagood Hardy (of Homecoming fame) I picture myself sitting in the backseat of our station wagon watching the majestic mountains pass by. We were the ones moving obviously, but it seemed for all the world like I was stationary and the mountains were moving.  

In high school I was on my way to the huge metropolis of Winnipeg for the weekend with a girls group from the Catholic church I belonged to.  We were in a rented greyhound bus.  We’d left after school and Winnipeg was about a 12 hour drive thus it was quite late while we were making our way to the city.  It was dark, pouring and there were beetles all over the highway, making the conditions even more slippery.  As I was in a half doze, I was jolted awake by an earth shattering,  heart pumping crash followed by a blinding light shooting down the middle aisle of the bus. The next thing I remember we were swirling around and around mixed with teetering back and forth furiously.  I am sure this is what the Drop of Doom at the fair must feel like.  I was sure we would all be killed and I began to pray my own last rights. After what seemed like an eternity our compromised bus finally came to a stop and there was total silence except for the rain and the sobbing of about fifty fifteen year old girls.  When at last we allowed to exit, we were escorted off the bus (those of us that were not injured) via the strong arms of the police and other first responders and were horrified to realize that the bus was straddling a highway ditch and there was  about a 6 feet drop to the  bottom of the ditch.  We were led to the shoulder of the highway and wrapped up with blankets.  The rain was descending on us in torrents but through the wall of water we could vaguely see what had transpired.  Our bus had hit a station wagon head on.  The station wagon was carrying a family and the two adults in the front seat clearly were lifeless.  It was a horrible site.  From the back of the station wagon we could hear the muffled wails of an infant.  We were told not to look but inspite of the horror it was hard to tear our eyes away from the horrible scene.  Finally we were loaded into emergency cars that had come from the closest city and taken to the hospital there.  Though in a stupefied daze I could hear the  song Amazing Grace playing the background.  I can hear it even now.  I hate the song Amazing Grace.  I never want to sing it and I never want to hear it  and yet, I belong to a community of faith where that song is dear and sung often.  It never fails, when I hear this song this scene is what comes to mind.  That’s how powerful music can be. 

 From that incident on I was terrified of driving.  The only person that could drive me anywhere was my dad.  He was the only driver I trusted (on the highway) and I developed an aversion to riding on buses.  I would never get on a greyhound bus again…not for years. Eventually I learned to drive and I realized the control I had over what the vehicle did and began to shed my fear of riding and driving.  I became much more confident in vehicles and actually loved to drive.  My favorite driving companions were  Karen and Richard Carpenter. I would turn them up loud and sing to my heart’s content.  I loved to sing.  I memorized every single word of every single song on at least 6 of their albums. That’s why I know if I could set all scripture to music I could memorize the entire Bible.   One of my favorites was “Top of the World”.  I’m on the top of the world, looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find is the love that I’ve found ever since you’ve been around, you almost put me on the top of the world.  Singing made the time go by so fast, kept me awake and put me in a great frame of mind.  Another favorite of the Carpenters  was ‘Sing, sing a song, make it simple to last your whole life long, no matter if it’s not good enough for anyone else to hear, just sing it out clear.”  And so I did!

 Then it was off to college..  That was the era of Barry Manilow – love at first sound for me. So often one could find me sitting in my dorm room listening to ” I write the songs that make the whole world sing,  I write the songs of love and special things,  I write the songs that make the young girls cry,  I write the songs, I write the songs.  I am music and I write the songs.”  Indeed, the music did make this young girl cry.

 As I grew up in the church, two of the hymns that have reverberated in my head and soul all these years are “How great thou Art” and “Great is thy Faithfulness”.  I can’t forget “It is well with my Soul”.  Even now, these songs are the deep foundation of my faith and I sing them with all my heart when given the opportunity.  In fact these are the songs I sing at the top of my lungs when no one is home and no one is listening except the one to whom they were written.  God himself.  Powerful words of worship and healing – a form of prayer, if you will, especially when sung.

 How well I remember the Christmas of 1995 when the whole Nelson clan, as they existed at that time, converged on Calgary for a special Christmas in the mountains.  We packed ourselves up early Christmas morning like the Who’s down in WhoVille and headed for the CP Banff Springs Hotel.  We were registered to partake of the annual Christmas brunch in this old elegant hotel.  We had the foresight to rent a hospitality suite for the day in anticipation of toddlers needing naps as well as the elderly-ish.   We had assembled our own Christmas care package complete with hot drinks (borrowed kettles from the hotel), snacks and Christmas baking as well as extra clothes and blankets.  We brought skates for the outdoor rink made by the hotel.  In Stephen Hall there was a gloriously decorated majestic tree where Santa and his elves resided. So we spent some time there.  Also in this hall was the intricate and magnificent Gingerbread house made by the hotel bakery.  It was stunning – we had to keep the littles from walking away with fists full of candy.  At one point there was procession of medieval characters hoisting a rotisseried pig on a tray on their shoulders.  I remember bagpipes playing and jesters handing out candy.  The Christmas smorgasbord was a feast not only for the palate but for the eyes and came complete with a harpist, a pianist and carolers.  Our eyes bulged at the display of  food for every taste and every culture.  In our hospitality suite we also brought along our own boom box (that was the era) and interestingly enough every family either gave or received the Natalie Cole Christmas album that year, The Holly and The Ivy.  I believe we were into cassette tapes at this point.  We listened to Natalie Cole on repeat all afternoon and her voice filled every nook and cranny of our vehicles on the way back to Calgary as everyone but the drivers dozed with visions of sugar plums dancing through their heads.  To this day when I hear Natalie Cole singing  “The First Noel” I can be walking the halls of the Banff springs all over again and I welcome those memories. Her voice and music are a way to keep those memories alive. She was one of us that Christmas.

When Lexie was a baby I was given a nostalgic tape of lullabies and it came to be that if I wanted to get Lexie to sleep I just turned on the lullabies and she drifted into dream land with Winken, Blinken and Nod every-single-time. I learned every word of every song and when that tape wore out I sang these lullabies to her every night for many years to come.   When she was older she used to beg me to sing tthem to her and then she would cry. These songs were the soundtrack for Lexie’s babyhood.

I’ve never been a fan of country music.  I’ve always thought it was an oxymoron actually.  We suffered a few rough years in our marriage leading up to our 25th wedding anniversary and when I was putting music together for our celebration, Shania Twains “you’re still the one” touched something in my soul and I knew that this was the way I still felt about Mike.  So that was on the top of the play list and I continued to play it and send him u tube videos of it weekly. I even found one of those singing cards that played it.  You’re still the one.  That is our song.

Lexie and I travelled to Europe right after her grade 12 graduation.  We’d been dreaming about it for years.  The original plan was to back pack through Europe for the summer.  When it came right down to it, I realized that I was much too old or too something…to be backpacking and living in hostels.  So we stayed in hotels and took trains and planes and ships as we made our way through London, Paris, Venice, a cruise (Florence, Rome and the French Riviera) and Barcelona.  It was at this time that ColdPlay had newly released their hit song Viva La Vida and we had dubbed it Lexie’s grad song as we played it on repeat while sewing her dress and doing her hair and having her friends over to prep for the ceremony and banquet. There was just something about that tune that found its way deep into our hearts.  As we made our way through Europe, Viva La Vida was there.  Every store, every restaurant, every mode of transportation and whenever we heard the notes we slowed our pace and waited until it was over while singing along.  Im still not sure of its meaning but I think I made it the ringtone on my phone for awhile.  Our Europe trip now had its own soundtrack.

Much of the charm and enchantment of the Palace of Versaille was the music that the fountains danced to.  So we bought a CD to play when we got home so we could relive the chills down our spine.  We returned to Westminster Abbey twice just to hear the angelic voices of the choir boys in thier robes.  We bought a CD to play when we got home so we could imagine we were in heaven again.  In Florence we purposed to just relax and stroll and found ourselves enraptured by a solo guitarist playing on a street corner.  We bought one of his CD’s to play when we got home so we could be strolling through the intense heat and just taking in Florence again.  At lot of folks eat their way through Europe but we were more interested in the music and we can relive that summer each time we listen to our souvenier CDs.

When Andrew decided he was going to University  in 2008 we packed up a van and the whole family drove him to Langley, BC to get him settled and share in the experience.  That was the summer of the movie hit Mama Mia.  The movie released the weekend we returned from Europe so of course we had to go.  We had enjoyed the musical on the live stage immensely.  The sounds of ABBA takes me back to my high school days.  So, of course, we bought the CD.  We turned Mama Mia on the moment we left Calgary and we sang along with it all the way to Langley.  12 solid hours.  When we got tired of singing we just listened.  To this day I cannot believe that Mike allowed us this indulgence.  Another memory, another soundtrack.  

Thanksgiving of 2014 we bought the newly released album of Gaga and Bennett.  We listened to it nonstop over the thanksgiving weekend.  As providence would have it, we went to New York December 1 to watch the lighting of the Christmas tree at the Rockefeller Centre and guess who was on the program? Gaga and Bennett.  We were unable to even get close to the stage for the concert that night so we watched the vocal warm ups on TV in our hotel room and we listened to Bennett and Gaga.  You guessed it.  Bennett and Gaga are now the soundtrack for our New York Christmas.  That’s just the way it goes in our house.  

The following Christmas I unwrapped the soundtrack for Home Alone One….our favorite Christmas music. Found it in my sock.   We popped it in and that is all we listened to for the next week…OK…two years.  One particular song `Somewhere in my memory  resonated my feelings regarding family and Christmas perfectly.  `Candles in the window, shadows painting the ceiling, gazing at the fireglow, feeling that gingerbread feeling.  Precious moments, special people, happy faces, I can see.  Somewhere in my memory, Christmas joys all around me, living in my memory, all of the music, all of the magic, all of family home here with me.`  Even as I write this, it brings a tear to my eye.

All of this music makes up the soundtrack to my life. Its has the power to transport me right back to the moments and the memories every single time.  The most poignant words and melody are these from ABBA: Thank you for music, the songs Im singing, Thanks for all the joy they`re bringing.  Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty, What would life be Without a song or a dance what are we,   So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me. 

The Home Team

As I reflect on this past week my heart is full to overflowing with gratitude and amazement. The week started with Family Day on which we joined some longtime friends for a leisurely but crisp walk down by the scenic river in our city. All of our adult children, that lived in the city, were able to join us along with our friends first grandchild.  Our kids have been friends almost since birth and it was so gratifying to listen to them talk and laugh and feel completely comfortable with each other.  As we walked we frequently switched talking partners giving everyone a chance to catch up with each other. I just marvel at how all of these boisterous, needy, amazing toddlers grew up to be these charming adults full of character and soul. A good portion of my day was spent alongside one of my kindred spirit girlfriends as we shared our heart issues, our concerns for our families, pointed out homes where we could only dream to live (old character homes with a view of the city skyline and the river) shielded each other as we adjusted undergarments that were shifting with the vigorous walking and breathed the same fresh air –  reminding me where the axiom ‘a breath of fresh air’ comes from.  Just to be alive and moving and taking in God’s richest blessings via our high functioning senses was a healing for the soul.  We culminated with some much anticipated comfort food at a wonderful bakery and café located close to the river.   We inhaled the scent of hot chocolate smothered in whip crème and the most delicious pizza crust. The kind that’s crispy and soft at the same time with huge bubbles – just the right flavor – an excellent vehicle to get the toppings into your lusting mouth.  Many other years we didn’t really make the effort to celebrate family day but this year I feel we honored it well.

Wednesday evening of this week was to be our very first monthly Potluck dinner for our home group (A group of couples that are all in the same season of life that meet together to support and encourage each other in the faith and study the Word so we will always be spiritually awake while at the same time, able to apply practical spiritual principles to our everyday lives). We agreed to experiment with the increased connection we would enjoy by gathering around the table and breaking bread together.  It was a feast not only for the body, but for the heart and soul as well as each shared their struggles and victories in between bites.  We also shared the most intimate experience followers of Christ can while we prayed for each other. There was laughter and there were tears.  There were humorous tales as well as raw emotional accounts.  There was encouragement and validation.  As a group we are becoming more and more a family.

On Saturday my husband and I decided a drive out to the mountains would be the order of the day. Some dear friends, that formerly were members of our home group, have moved back to Canmore to live amongst the evergreens, bears and majestic rockies so we made plans to spend the day enjoying their company. We arrived just in time to enjoy a scrumptious home cooked brunch in our friend’s home nestled in the valley of two mountains.  No need for artwork or draperies in this home as the breathtaking views they enjoy daily, through their picture windows, are more than enough.  Next, we sauntered up and down the streets of downtown Canmore window-shopping and visiting.  A stop for coffee and sugary treats completed our tour.  We raced back to the homestead for a luxurious and leisurely soak in their patio hot tub.  There is nothing I succumb to more than being immersed in hot water with massaging jets relaxing my muscles.  Surrounded by nature and winter temperatures we surrendered ourselves to the mist and heat.  We endeavored to solve all the problems of the world druing our time in the tub and although we came up short in the problem solving arena the physical relaxation was perfectly satisfying.  When we returned to the house the aroma wafting from the kitchen was intoxicating as we inhaled dinner roasting in the crockpot.  Our friends spoiled us with mashed potatoes, roast beef, steamed carrots and ceasar salad.  Just to squeeze in the at last drop of friendship and hospitality we played a round of Sequence where the men finished up victorious.  This is really the best way to end board games.    We didn’t let them win but it all ended well as we women can take defeat on the chin better than the male gender (in my experience anyway).  Alas, it was time for the drive back home.

Sundays are Mom days. If we are unable to connect any other time during the week we at least have a commitment of Sundays.  My mother lives in the same city as I and so I have the privilege of spending much more time with her than the rest of the 6 siblings.  Because of our close proximity, mom has become more like another one of my dear friends than a parent.  After church, I pick mom up at her apartment and then it’s usually off to Chapters and Starbucks.  We never tire of this outing. There is always something new to peruse.  We thrive in the atmosphere of books and coffee beans.   After we tear ourselves away from our default place we usually end up at my place for a homemade supper.  Very often I am experimenting with new recipes and cooking our food for the following week.  We do this with the fire crackling in the fireplace and Louis Armstrong singing in the background (or Ella, or Frank, or Michael or Nat), mom reading through my foody magazines,  a cup of JOY tea and finish off the evening packing up a doggy bag for mom to enjoy the next day or so.   This has become ritualistic but it something we can count on.  It’s something that’s grounding.  It’s something that’s healing and nurturing.

These opportunities for community, hospitality, sharing, friendship, breaking bread together and encouragement make life rich. These blessings make life bearable when things are dark and enhance it when things are well.

I am so blessed and grateful for all these people that are the lifeblood of my existence. They are God with skin on.  They are gifts.  They are opportunities.  They are welcome commitment.  They are my home team.* When I am with them I am home – therefore, they are family.

 

(I read about the concept of the home team in Shauna Niequists writings).

Silent Morning

I pulled out of the garage at exactly 5:00am on the dot. An all-time record for me. Do you have any idea how long I have been trying to accomplish that feat? Well, at least a year. Anyway, on this particular morning in February I backed into the most amazing winter wonderland. There was a single car track in the freshly fallen powdery snow on my street.  It reminded me of Trishia Romance’s famous painting, Silent Night. I was compelled to try to follow those tracks so as not to ruin the scene for the next person. If the next person is my husband, he doesn’t really care.  He has been after me to switch out the Christmas CD’s in my car.  I assured him I would have the task completed by the end of February but I was elated that I hadn’t changed them this morning because the music and lyrics exactly matched the atmosphere outside.   As early as it was there were very few commuters to ruin my scenario.  I could pretend it was early December again and I shuddered with glee at my good fortune.  There were a few vestiges of Christmas lights still on. Thank you whoever you are. And the odd Christmas wreath on the door.  Everything was still and quiet. All the trees were laden with snow and which caused me to wonder what it would be like if there were cars in Narnia.  The Victorian row houses laid out in half crescents with parks of evergreen trees at their centre were the perfect setting for the fresh and falling snow. Once out of my area the snow was not as plentiful or beautiful and I knew that in a couple of hours the magic would be gone. As I pulled into the office parking lot mine were the single tire tracks in the white fluff that glittered like a Swarovski bracelet.  From my perch on the spin bike in the gym I could gaze out the window into the peaceful dark – just me and the street lamps with their hazy luminescence.  This is the gift to the early riser.