I have to say I am slightly baffled as to the uproar regarding wearing masks.  One of the biggest complaints I hear is ‘no one can see who I really am’.  I’ve lost my identity. Really?  Most of us have been hiding behind emotional masks for decades.  Many of us don’t really want people to know who we are.  We always pretend to be someone or something we are not. Only a scant few want people to see the real them.  Who they really are with all their insecurities and foibles.  Take Instagram for example.  How many users actually put who they really are on Instagram?  They put their best foot forward.  They take oodles of shots and gazillions of selfies before the find the exact right one to project the image they are trying to portray. (Guilty) That perfect, enviable, lofty image.  I could be wrong but it almost seems the sole purpose of Instagram is to put forth a phony image.  Make it look like we are having the times of our lives.  Make it look like we have it all together.  Make it look like we are thinner than we are or more attractive than we are. More affluent than we are.   I am pretty sure the majority of us actually going thru real crisis (fatal diagnosis, financial ruin, broken relationships and the like) aren’t fussing with Instagram (or social media).  So the ones clogging cyber space are the “everybodies’ and ‘anybodies’.

OK. to be honest,  there are a lot of folks out there that are using Social Media for good.   They are being real and legitimately trying to reach out to  people.  They are dispelling myths and unrealistic standards so others can be real too.  For some its their livelihood.  And I do follow some real, unmasked folks. And its a joy to share their journey.

I know, personally, I usually only put the good stuff on Instagram.  I made a pie today.  I made bread today.  Look how well my garden is growing and how prolific my poppies are.  I am at a beach right now.  Isn’t it gorgeous???   I organized my spices in a drawer.  Yay me!  I spend my life on my deck and its amazing.  Look at this amazing picture of the sunset/sunrise I captured.   I don’t tell you that the scale is going up, not down. I don’t tell you I didn’t get any sleep last night and I am ornery.  I don’t tell you I can’t concentrate.  I don’t tell you that I almost had a heart attack on my two hour walk, up hill today.  I don’t tell you I stubbed my toe last night and let a line of expletives that would curl your hair.  I don’t tell you about my addictions.  I don’t tell you about my difficult relationships.  I don’t tell you that I am exhausted.  I don’t tell you about my health challenges.  I don’t tell you what I am afraid of.  I don’t tell you about my financial struggles.  Why not?  Well first of all Social Media is not the time or place to share these things with strangers that haven’t earned the right to hear or know your story but for the most part I don’t want to be a party pooper.  Bringing people down.   Don’t get me wrong – when I share beautiful, revelational, grateful  posts…I am sincere.  But I only put the good stuff in front of the public eye.
So I hide behind a mask of my own making.  Very often, I don’t want you to see the real me.  Full of insecurities and mistakes and struggles.  I don’t want you to discover maybe I’m not as nice a person as you thought I was.  Maybe I am not as wise as you might think.  Maybe I don’t have it all together.
I am thinking this mask thing is kind of handy.  Being an introvert, I don’t mind if people don’t recognize me.  Very often I don’t want to talk to people.  No one can see my double chin or age spots.  Saves on make-up.  And no,  I don’t feel my personal rights are being violated.  I stop at red lights and stop signs, don’t I?  I pay my taxes.  When I go shopping I pay for things, I don’t steal them.  I follow company policies when I am working.  (I like my paycheque).  I drive on the correct side of the road and fasten my seat belt.  I don’t text and drive. I tell the truth.  I don’t plagiarize.  I don’t knowingly try to sneak water bottles, scissors, or weapons of mass destruction through security at the airport.  If I ride the C-train I purchase a token.  So I will wear a mask as long as required.   If we really want to get upset about something or get on some real righteous indignation,  lets choose human trafficking or elder abuse or mental illness.

It seems that the world is filled with evil, sadness, anger, confusion, fear and many other negative emotions and activities. If we dwell on these things and live in this place we will be defeated and depressed. Not to mention scared.   But I have also caught glimpses of joy and beauty and love and compassion and more than enough blessing to encourage celebration.  To encourage gratitude.  To spur hope.
And…we get to choose.  We can give into the negative emotions and news and happenings or we can choose to focus on all that is still good in this world.  As long as He still reigns and lives among us, there is still cause for celebration.  And HE does still live in the hearts of his followers.
Some may define me as in denial or living in my own little bubble but I want to love this life and I want to invent special occasions just because.  A total diet of hate and fear and worry can lead to a slow emotional and spiritual death.  Even a physical one.  Stress is not our friend.  Stress causes sickness, disease and eventually death.
It’s not that I don’t take the problems of this world seriously – I totally do! BUT I cannot live under that dark shadow every minute of every day before I start to become of no use to anyone. Before parts of me start to die off.  Once we start living defeated lives we are part of the problem not part of the solution.  I want to be part of the solution and in my own way, that means recognizing all there is to be grateful for.
I want to sing at the top of my lungs.  I want to water the flowers and smell the roses.  I want to dress nicely and wear luscious colors.  I want to create beautiful things.  I want to make people feel special.  I want to bake a sumptuous loaf of bread or a fresh apple pie and share it with others. I’m looking for an excuse to blow up some balloons and turn on some mini lights and light a candle.  I want my heart to skip a beat when I see beauty.  When I feel the warm sun on my face.  When I hear the rain outside my window.  When I listen to the sway of the trees in the wind at night.  When I drive through the mountains.  When I hear a baby giggle.  When I listen to grandma reminisce about the good old days.
I want to find ways to create joy and bring hope to those who have lost their way.  I must fight to avoid this myself.  How am I going to do that?  I am going to celebrate every day.  I am going to be grateful.  I am going to dance – even if just in my heart.  I am going to fill myself with truth.  I am going to store up treasures in heaven.  I am going to walk with Him.  I am going to seek His wisdom and His joy and His peace and try to pass it around.  I am going to ask Him to fill me with compassion for others and I am going to celebrate daily.  Even if it’s just one small thing.  One small happy dance. One small celebration at a time.

No, I’m not talking about that year when I lost all that weight. Or the cliff edge we had to navigate, hanging on for dear life it was so narrow, lest we lose our footing. No. This is a concept that grabbed my attention when one of my favorite authors, Shauna Neiquist, introduced it to me in her writing. “A thin place is a place where the boundary between the natural world and the supernatural one is more permeable -thinner, if you will”. “Where the passage between heaven and earth is a short one, a place where God’s presence is almost palpable. The boundary between the divine world and the human world becomes almost non existent, and the divine and the human can, for a moment, dance uninterrupted.” She goes on to say, “when we find a thin place, we should live differently in the face of it, because if we don’t, we miss some of the best moments that life with God has to offer us. These thin places are gifts, treasures, and they are worth changing our lives for.”

I have felt strongly that these months, when the entire world has been cut off from one another and most of our regular activities and pursuits have been halted, have become a thin place for me. A place where Gods presence is almost palpable. So intense that it feels tangible. Tangible, as in something that can be touched or felt. The portal to communion with God has been opened and seizing the moment has become expedient.

Interestingly enough, when we cease from our striving and our indulging and our speed and our self sufficiency, there is a quiet where we can hear the voice of God. Being honest, there have been, many other voices out there, in this unique period of history, that have been vying for our attention. Fear. Guilt. Anger. Fear. Uncertainty. Suspicion. Mistrust. Fear. Pride. Arrogance. Fear. But as we shelter at home, we have had the choice to turn off all those other voices and invite God’s voice into our experience. Turning off the harmful voices takes intention. And you have to replace those voices with something else. Something more soothing and more calm. I’ve heard the voice of love speaking to me. Literally drowning out the voices out there. Sometimes, I have been successful and sometimes, not so much.

But when I have been able to experience this thin place (and I have much more during this isolation period), it has been a gift of peace and a treasure trove of wisdom and encouragement. It has brought calm and rationality back in front of me, and inside of me. I have been content to bask, for literally hours, in His presence and have his love and grace wash over me. And not feel one tiny bit guilty that I should have been doing something more productive. I have felt that this was the most productive thing I could do. The most healing. The most illuminating. The most reflective. The most corrective. And it has changed me. Continues to change me. I have felt these thin places breathing life and love back into me. There has been a softening. A more willing submission to the one I endeavour to love with all my heart and soul and mind. There is no fear in these moments or hours or days. The thin places have been a gift for sure. I will continually pursue and hunt for the thin places. A little piece of heaven on earth.

I had lots to do today, but, my daughter invited me along on some errands she had to run. I never say no to spending time with my kids, especially if they initiate. I am sure you mothers know exactly what I’m talking about.

First stop, my favorite italian market. We had to stand in line outside as they were only letting so many in. We donned our face masks and waited in line. We expected this. Lexie pulling me over as I was getting too close to the girl in front of us. I forgot. Once we were at the front of the line, the staff member gave us a bit of a judgemental look and said, you’re going in together? Us: is that ok? Him: Fine. As long as long as only one of you goes through the till. What? Plus he wasn’t letting us in until he soaked us down with substitute hand santitizer made in a brewery. It’s very wet and drippy and you end up smelling like a bottle of wine. Me: is it ok if I use my own? Him: Sure, but let me watch you apply it.

I kept getting messed up by the arrows on the floor because in spots there were none and I wondered ‘how to I get over there from here?’ I felt like I was playing a social distancing game of Twister. I’m getting pretty good at my long jump. I got my chocolate croissants and a basil plant and hightailed it out of there. Used to be one of my favorite places. I won’t be going back there anytime soon. I’ll learn how to make my own chocolate croissants.

We stopped at our favorite mall to procure an essential item Lexie needed but, of course, decided to snoop around a bit. You know, go to some of our favorite stores that we hadn’t set foot in for about two and a half months….Brewery hand sanitizer at one store (I used my own) and instructed at the door to only try on clothes in change rooms…even purses and shoes. Then we go over to another store and your not allowed to try on the clothes at all. Just make your best guess on size and you can return it in 2021 if you need to. I stopped quickly at the book store…. donning a face mask and bypassing their brewery hand sanitizer once again. The employee at the door: Wow, that sure smells a lot better than ours. Yes. Yes, it does. I had to keep telling the door guards that my hand sanitizer had 68% alchohol.

One of the mall guards approached us and said: if you are just going to chit chat could you go stand over there? That’s ok,  we were just leaving.

Next stop, the garden store.  The whole hand sanitizer thing again. These great big spray bottles. No thanks, I already showered. Mostly freewheeling there. Pleasant enough. However, I overheard a staff person telling these ladies, that were mumbling under their face masks, bedding plants are the new toilet paper. We are out! Finally, standing outside on the curb waiting for Lexie and I had to keep moving so I didn’t accidentally touch anyone trying to get by. Felt like a game of dodge ball.

Yes, the stores are opening but the fun is gone. Maybe shopping was never meant to be a fun activity.  Maybe I got it all wrong.  I’m not going back to any of these places in a long long time. I mean, I get that they are just following protocol so they can be open. I get that. If they don’t do these things then they will be shut down again. I do get that.  I actually feel bad for them.  But just because they are open, doesn’t mean I have to go there. And I mostly likely will not return for quite some time.  It’s my choice. I am quite enjoying the benefits of online shopping. I can get my essentials at the grocery store and everything else, online or go without. Which isn’t such a bad idea anyway.

I didn’t realize how good we had it prior to this. I just took my long leisurely afternoons at Chapters and Starbucks for granted. Like they’d never end. Meeting friends there to chat for hours. Going to movies every Friday night. Taking all out out-of-town visitors to Chinook as a form of entertainment. Going to our favorite patisserie’s when the day was lovely. Driving out to Banff or Lake Louise for the afternoon. I read today that an Albertan found a hate note on his car, parked momentarily, in Revelstoke, telling him to go home (most in expletives). Is this the new normal? Because if it is, I will be more than happy to stay at home forever.

My husband suggested we go out for dinner for my birthday – because – we can now. I’m thinking, let’s just have a BBQ in the back yard. I’m not afraid of catching anything (and I’m trying to do my part not to spread anything),  it’s more that I just don’t like the world anymore. And I don’t like how it’s making people act.  Paul ( of biblical fame) suggests  we make it our ambition to lead a quiet and simple life and mind our own business…. i think I’ll try that. I’ll stay home and take care of my sourdough starter.

It seems everyone is baking bread during their home isolation. Even if they never made it before. The flour and yeast aisles are pretty much bare at the grocery stores. And many people are making sour dough bread starter (because you don’t need yeast). I’m pretty sure if sourdough starter were a vaccine we’d have enough, just in Calgary, for the entire planet.

I think we have a love hate relationship with bread. On the one hand it is irresistible fresh out of the oven with some real butter or some jam. Even with nothing. Just rip off a chunk and inhale it. Let’s not forget the way it makes your house smell like heaven while it’s baking. On the other hand, it’s straight up carbs and there are many that don’t feel people that eat carbs are worth taking up space on the earth. Carbs are the enemy. Thus, bread is too.

But I don’t think there are very many that can turn down fresh baked even if they don’t believe in it. If you are a perpetrator of fresh bread expect to be despised by these ‘no carb’ cults.

I’m pretty sure that bakers and cooks and even regular people are buying up all the flour and yeast because they are convinced that, if you have these, you can bake bread and you’ll always have food. (don’t get me started on the just add water pancake mix). It reminds me of the manna that the Lord provided daily for the Israelites when they were wandering in the desert. They did live on bread alone. And I don’t remember reading that the Lord switched it up at all. No wonder they were complaining that the food in Egyptian slavery was better.

There are so many ways to do bread. Fresh. Ripped. Sliced. Toasted. Cinnamon buns. Raisin bread. Focaccia. Naan. Bruschetta. Bread pudding. Croissants. Sandwiches. French toast. Croutons. Sourdough. Banana bread. Stuffing. Dinner rolls. Bread sticks. Crustinis. Crumbs. And it’s all good.

There is no denying that bread is comfort food. Maybe that’s what everyone is after. The Comfort. These are unpredictable times and everything is changing daily. We don’t know what’s true or real. Bread is stable and certain and gives us what we want. Bread is bread and it’s makes us feel good (until it doesn’t). Helps us forget about the crazy, even if only while we are eating it or baking it or smelling it. Who says we aren’t making a lot of dough staying at home?  I know I am.

As I was listening to our pastors powerful message of truth at our Tenebrae service on Good Friday (we participated at home online) he mentioned that this was probably the lentiest Lent that anyone in our generation or younger have ever experienced.  Lent, in the Christian church, is a period of penitential preparation for Easter. In Western churches it begins on Ash Wednesday, six and a half weeks before Easter, and provides for a 40-day fast (Sundays are excluded), in imitation of Jesus Christ ’s fasting in the wilderness before he began his public ministry.  So,  very often,  believers and Christ followers give up something during Lent so they can spend more time focusing on Christ and his sacrifice for us and what it all means and what He means to us.  This year, Ash Wednesday was on February 26th, exactly two weeks before the proverbial pandemic hit the fan. As an adjective,  penitent means feeling or expressing sorrow for sin or wrongdoing and disposed to atonement and amendment.  Repentant. Contrite.

What is it about the movie ‘Father of the Bride’ that rips my heart out every single time I watch it. Every. Single. Time. First of all….Steve Martin. Could they have picked a more perfect father? The movie is reminiscent of simpler times. More wholesome times. And that house! If it isn’t just the homiest home with the homiest yard I could ever be at home in.  And that basket ball hoop in the backyard, surrounded by trees and verandas and wicker benches with cushions and flowers and grass.  I have wanted a basketball hoop in my back yard since the first time I laid eyes on this movie. My kids were still young and could have benefitted from having one. I was pretty convinced that that basketball hoop was akin to therapy. One would never need it if they could only play basketball in the backyard with their dad, growing up.  All would be right with the world if you had a basketball hoop. We never ever got one because we never ever had a place for one and now we have arrived to this day with emotional baggage. A basketball hoop would have been cheaper than therapy. Do not dwell on the past….

I love Franc. Martin Short invents this character so well. The wedding planner. I am so jealous of him. That is the wedding I want to plan. I absolutely adore that backyard tent wedding. It’s absolutely stunning and I just know I could create that wedding in my backyard if someone would give me the opportunity. Given the fact that it snowed on the day of that wedding gives me hope for planning an outdoor wedding. Of course that was California and this is Calgary. That was a movie and this is reality. San Marino, California. I don’t know if there is such a place but if there is, I want to live there, with its tree lined streets and white picket fences.

The Way you Look Tonite is probably one of my favorite songs with secular lyrics. It doesn’t matter who sings that song. When I hear it I pause and listen and dream that someone might have felt that way about me somewhere …sometime. Sigh.

Anyway, I watched the movie tonite as a distraction from the insanity that is our world right now and it was the perfect choice. I was transported to a gentler, more stable era. A million miles away from here. To manageable problems and happier endings. I mean, they got in a fight and almost called of the wedding because of a blender. Easily rectified. Little misunderstanding. And the craziness in the grocery store was because they sell wieners in eights and hot dog buns by dozens and George Banks was not falling for that ripoff after spending $1200 on a wedding cake and flying all the Sweden relatives over from Denmark and paying $250 a head for every guest at the wedding. Not to mention the new navy polyester tuxedo he had to buy thinking it was Georgio Armani and thinking it was black. Those are the sorts of issues I want to deal with. I know what to do about things like this. Nothing was really out of control. Nothing earth shattering, if you know what I mean.

Tomorrow, Father of the Bride II. I’m so glad there’s another one.

We had to cancel our trip to Mexico for a friend of the family’s destination wedding at the end of April.  My son was going to be on of the attendants but he is a nervous traveller so we all decided to go and make it a family vacation.  Whenever that can happen, its a bonus. We were sad to cancel the trip and take a loss in regards to a refund but these are the times we are living in and we really had no choice.  Coronavirus is not being kind to our finances or anybody elses.
However,  at this juncture we are all holed up together here in the south of Calgary in our comfy family home.  It just so happens that both of our adult children are living at home right now and I couldn’t be more grateful to have them underfoot.  They have gone and they have come back and we’ve been wondering why life turns out the way it does but I am starting to get some revelation.   I wouldn’t want them to be anywhere else right now, especially with the hit to the pocketbook.  They don’t have to ‘not be able to pay their rent and be evicted’.  They don’t have to ‘not be able to see us because they are off quarantining in another country or province’. They don’t have to ‘not be able to afford food’ because they can eat at home and I am positively happy to cook for them. I don’t have to be ‘wondering how they are doing and feeling helpless to help them’.   My daughter has been experimenting with running her own business which happens to rely on large events (groups of people gathering together).  Needless to say, she has no work. We’ve all been relegated to home to do our part in flattening the curve.   So here we are.  This is Us.
There was a time when I may have believed that this situation was dysfunctional and co-dependent and a lot of other negative things that people may have judged us as idiots for allowing.  But I finally came to the place where I believed that God knows what He is doing ‘for such a time as this’. I was OK with being considered dysfunctional or maybe actually being dysfunctional.  Once I was OK with this then it didn’t bother me what others would think any longer.   And now, I am thanking God on bended knee that this is our situation.
We get to spend this isolation time together.  We had a dinner party the other night and then played Mexican train.   We built a snowman in the backyard on another day.  Today we went for a walk in a non crowded area and nearly froze to death, together.  Then we stopped at the grocery store for provisions (since we were already out). Probably not a great idea but too late now.  (We are taking all of this seriously btw).  And all returned home happy with our little isolation treats.
Sometimes I don’t like having everyone at home because I like to be alone.  For some reason, I don’t feel like I can do whatever I want when others are here.  Which is baloney because no one ever stops me from doing what I want.  But I do like to walk around the house and pray outloud when no one is home.(That’s not what you thought I was going to day, is it?  LOL)  In fact, I love doing that.  I don’t feel so comfortable doing it when others are here.  So now I do it when everyone is asleep.  And that is nice too.
We are all at home and getting along.  Grateful for that.  Every home and family can’t always make that claim.   We are giving each other their space (except when I insist they get out of their pyjamas and go for a walk).  We have great conversations when the kids aren’t holed up in their rooms.  The are so intelligent and fun. At some point they have to eat.  We like each other even though none of us is perfect.  I have to let some things go.  I can’t have the house spotless all the time.  I have to listen to their shows and music very often.  We have to share the space and we also have to respect each others health by washing and sanitizing our hands and things we touch after we’ve been out.  But there is a mature and mutual respect for what is going on in the world and we are looking out for each other.
This whole situation is totally surreal.  I can’t even believe its happening but if it had to happen then these are the people I want to walk through it with.  These are the people I want to be stuck in an elevator with.

Winners is shut down.  Chapters is shut down.  You can only do drive through at Starbucks.  Church is cancelled as well as our home group.  The office is closed.  Pottery Barn is closed.  H & M is closed.  The Bay is closed.  Nordstrom’s is closed (not that that effects me in any way).  Zara is closed as well as IKEA.  Can’t go to the gym – closed. Can’t travel – not that I’d want to at this point.  Can’t go to the movie theatres.  SO I guess I may as well stay home.  There is no where to go.  This is the ultimate case of “all dressed up with nowhere to go”.  A few fast food places open – well if their food doesn’t kill you, the germs you pick up from the younguns who think they are invincible,  will.
So I am finally confined to my house.  I have often said that if I were stuck in my basement for a year,  I would never run out of things to do…and that is still the truth.  Why is it that once you are told to not go out,  all you can think about is going out?  Now you don’t want to stay home.  I am not sure why because, I, of all people have a wonderful home to be isolated to.  We have food and essentials.  Our home is clean and well decorated. Pleasant.  Comfortable. Warm. Safe. It is definitely a Home, Sweet, Home. We are surrounded by our favorite things.  One of them being our adult children that are living at home for such a time as this.  We get along and love each other.  They are so interesting.  I have so many unread books and a sewing machine and serger that hardly get used when I am busy gallivanting around town.   I have canvases and paint.  I could paint up a gallery.  I have a freshly tuned piano that wants to be played with.   I have journals to fill and a blog to update.  I have a cookbook to write and recipes to be tested.  We have Instagram, Facebook and email.  We have Netflix.  We could watch Christmas movies.  Whose going to stop us??  I mean we already turned our Christmas lights back on to join others across North America in a message of hope.  We have games.    We have been so blessed and now we get a chance to slow down and appreciate and enjoy those blessings that we have been tripping over all these months and years.  Always reaching for that new thing to distract us and to obsess about.
Now we get the opportunity to slow down.  To contemplate.  To exercise gratitude.  To learn.  To relax.  To get to know one another better.  To find peace.  To adopt some new habits.  Some better habits.  To realize what we do and do not need to survive.  To simplify.  To stop the acquiring of things and spending money on stuff.  Time to pray.  Time to meditate.  Time to be kind and generous. A time to re-assess our lives and our purpose and our focus.  I think a lot of us really needed this time.  I know the financial implications are scary but maybe even that is a concept we need to rethink.
There is always a silver lining.  Look for the good in every difficult situation.  It’s there.  And the nature of a mass pandemic as a contagion is that you have to be thinking about the other person.  Its not all about you.  Its not all about me.  Its about doing the right thing.  The compassionate thing.  The selfless thing.  The kind thing.  The inconvenient thing.  And who doesn’t need to hone up those character traits?
Well, I’ve got to go now and drop a bag of flour on my 88 year old mother’s doorstep and then we are having a Netflix party with some of our family that live miles away.  Why didn’t we think of this before now???  Necessity is the mother of invention.