Written on December 15th….

Busyness is a covert and stealth operation. I know better than to say yes to everything and then find myself dead tired and exhausted beyond comprehension. I am there now. How did this come to be? Did I mention ‘I know better? Especially in this season when I like to slow down and enjoy all the Christmas moments. Lately I have been speeding by them at warp speed and missing a lot. BUT….I still have nine days to slow down and smell the holly. Those that follow my blog will notice I haven’t written much lately and that is most likely because I haven’t had time to read. I get my inspiration from reading. I long to stretch out by the fire and open my current book and just read for a few hours…sipping on my favorite beverage and listening to Kenny G. Instrumental so as to not distract from the message of my current read.

I was just marching along, minding my own business, working a few days a month outside the home and the rest of the time, redoing furniture and baking cakes for milestone celebrations, painting and making paper roses….figuring out my strategy for my Etsy store and social media collaboration when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I flew to my window to see what was the matter and what to my wondering eyes should appear? ….. my daughter’s opportunity to run the Christmas House for two months popped up. Literally. Its a Christmas popup shop that she was referred to by a fellow floral designer. Well….I thought. Christmas House? That sounds right up my alley so I told her to sign me up as I wouldn’t have much else for work. And I decided I would take on Christmas baking for others again. This I could handle. I was looking forward to spending days surrounded by Christmas decor, listening to Christmas music and helping people get into their Christmas spirit groove AND the days I have spend at the Christmas House have been a reprieve of sorts (a mini retreat from the hustle and bustle of life). I also find baking in my own kitchen to be relaxing and restorative and one of my happy places.

Then, very unexpectedly, the company I had been doing administrative work for a few days a month turned into weekly….three days a week to be exact. Wasn’t expecting that but couldn’t say no to that either, so I find myself with literally no days off. When I do have a day off, its spent driving Miss Daisy. Late nights. Skipped meals (resulting in weight loss – yay). Hair needs help. Nails need doing. I haven’t cooked a real meal in a month. Behind on laundry. No date nights with the hubs. Somehow I did manage to get the house decorated for Christmas. So here I sit and type, when I should be baking or sewing or cleaning. But I just don’t feel like it. Sleeping five days in a row would be lovely. We have a Christmas invite this evening and I work the Christmas House tomorrow followed by one of the hubs office parties. Today (and 3 days prior) was spent pulling the company kids christmas party together. Monday – Banff Springs. Tues/wed/thurs – work (with a dinner Christmas party tossed in mid week). Christmas house on Friday and my brother and his family showing up for Christmas on Saturday.

I am definitely not proud of these circumstances. In any way. I don’t believe that ‘busy’ equals success. I don’t believe that ‘busy’ means I am worth more. I don’t believe that ‘busy’ is something to be aspired to. This wasn’t my plan and now I have to sort out how I am going to find a little peace and rest between now and December 25th. I feel more like a failure. Because I DO believe in living in the moment and seeking the peace and receiving the gift of His rest. So the challenge is to make the most of every moment and find the good in it. Find the rest. Seek the peace. Remain grateful because I AM grateful for these opportunities. They just kind of blind sided me and I have to regroup.

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Momma’s are the magic of Christmas make no mistake! Santa Claus? Pfft! I have to say that without mommas there would be no Christmas. We make it happen for our little lovelies. I mean seriously? Who decorates the house when the cherubs and the hubs are settling down for their long winters naps? Even when decorating the tree is a family affair, it’s the mommas that secured the tree and the decorations and prepared the Christmas charcuterie. Who makes sure that Santa knows what he needs to bring on Christmas Eve? Who helps you write those letters? Who buys the Christmas pyjamas? Who hangs the stockings? Who sends the Christmas care packages? Who does the wrapping? And the baking? Who roasts the roast beast? Who makes sure there are games and puzzles and movies to watch? Hallmark just helps us out a bit.

Who nags dad to make sure the Christmas lights are up? Who makes dad attend all your Christmas concerts and plays? Who tosses your blankets and pjs into the dryer on a cold winter night to ensure they are toasty warm for you? And buys you flannel sheets to cozy up into when you finally decide you want to go to bed at 3:30am? Who makes sure there are mandarin oranges, eggnog, hot chocolate, butter tarts, perogies, shortbread cookies, chips and dip and Christmas coke (the cans with Santa on them) in the house the entire month of December? Who makes sure those Christmas stockings are full Christmas morning even though you are far past the age of believing in Santa?

Who makes countless trips to Costco… battling traffic and crowds and weather….to bring home the magic? Who made dozens of Christmas cookies for your school Christmas parties? Who took you to Swiss chalet after church in December so you could get a free toblerone bar? Ok, dad did do that. Who talked dad into a puppy hanging from your Christmas stocking and subsequently trained that tiny pup in the middle of winter? Who books a sleigh ride at Lake Louise so you can celebrate Christmas with people that come from across the globe to see this majestic wonder?

Who involved you in helping those less fortunate than us at Christmas so you would, hopefully, know that you weren’t the centre of the universe? She has to counteract her spoiling tendencies or be held accountable.

Who makes the magic? Who risks her salvation telling little white lies to keep you in suspense? Who makes sure you have plaid or sequins to wear to Christmas parties? Who sacrifices her own wants to make sure you have yours? Who loves you more than Santa Claus or the Grinch? Who prays for you every night? Who wants what’s best for you more than any other human being on the planet? Who wants to be with you at Christmas more than being anywhere else in the world? Whose heart is broken if she can’t spend the holidays with you?

Momma! It’s ALL momma. She can’t help herself. I must go dig out my tacky Christmas sweater with the hearts on the sleeve.

Who knew brushing my teeth would turn into a valuable spiritual revelation and lesson?  Surely not me. I found myself vigorously pushing that Phillips Sonic Care toothbrush back and forth and up and down like it was my job. And in that moment it hit me. You are not supposed to move the toothbrush. It’s an electric toothbrush that you just hold in strategic spots on your teeth and then wait for the full two minutes and let the toothbrush do all the heavy lifting AKA brushing.

2 minutes? Who has time to hold a toothbrush in their mouth for two minutes? I have things to do. Places to go and people to see. Funny how two minutes feels like an eternity when your just standing still and waiting. It’s a completely different story when your stuck on the Deerfoot and trying to get to work on time. Two minutes goes by in a blink.

As I was vigorously pushing that moving toothbrush back and forth, I heard a voice speak in my spirit…why are you doing all the work? That toothbrush was ergonomically designed to do all the work and to do it better than you. Ergonomic, by definition, means that a thing was made in a way minimizes physical effort or discomfort and maximizes efficiency and here I am assuming that if I give it a little help the two minutes will go by faster or my teeth will get cleaner?

Nope. What came to me in that moment was this: and that’s how Im trying to live my spiritual life. Always just giving God a little hand or suggestion in case He is taking too long or not doing things my way. Thinking that I will improve on the spiritual system. Striving, and exhausting myself to getter done. With a touch of pride, I might add. You know, because of my stellar energy and work ethic and ingenuity. And God just wants me to slow down and hold the toothbrush for the entire two minutes and let Him do the work that only He can do. If I do it properly, those teeth will be smooth and pearly white. Clean and healthier and all I had to do was hold the toothbrush and let it do what it was designed to do.

And while I am waiting in that looong two minutes focus on the Creator and what He’s doing in my life. Take that time to be still and just listen. Listen to His wisdom and give myself up to his power and love and care. I don’t have to do everything myself. I just don’t. Slow down. Cease my striving and quit exhausting myself. A sure sign I’m trying to live life in my own strength is when I am exhausted and frustrated and dizzy. Short tempered? Who me? Confused? Negative attitude? Maybe turn that toothbrush on for another two minutes and think about what you’ve done.

I. Me. Geri Nelson the 2nd, Geri Stewart the 1st, spent one glorious, magical night decorating Christmas trees at the Chateau Lake Louise mid November. I have to admit I did love these hotels more when they were owned by CP Rail. There was something so nostalgic about knowing they were owned by a classic Canadian company. Nevertheless, the hotels are still majestic and the Chateau is as impressive as any castle should and could be. I’ve spent many a Christmas wandering the halls of the Chateau and enjoying the Christmas décor in all its splendor. Very often, asking myself, who decorates these hotels and how long does it take and so forth, and so forth. Through a series of serendipitous events, I found  myself standing in the main hall with windows that look over the lake, at 2:30 a.m. decorating the Christmas trees that I thought appeared through some form of Christmas nutcrackery.

While the guests were all nestled and snug in their beds and visions of sugar plums danced through their heads, we were crafting bows, stringing ribbons, strategically placing ornaments on the trees that would line the main hallway, where the shops would be open and the view would be in full array come morning. By my standards, this was a Christmas miracle.

My eyes couldn’t help but stare in amazement at the gorgeous wall to wall carpets on the main floor and in the lobby. Stunning cerulean blue with a white scroll design fit for…well…a castle. All the decorations on the trees would match this enveloping and inviting color scheme. Music played all night long through speakers hidden in the ceiling and we hummed along as we transformed these trees into a Christmas wonderland. I’d had the foresight to toss in a container of butter tarts to complete the experience.

Inspite of the fact that we didn’t get to crawl into those amazingly comfortable, cozy beds until 4:00am, when we did, it was like falling into the most luscious cloud you’ve ever seen float through the sky. It was like an incredible Christmas hug. Just before flopping myself into this heaven, I took one last look out our window to imprint the image of the foggy darkness lit up by millions of blue mini lights on all the evergreens on the property, forever in my memory. If you focused on street lights in the drive through at the main entrance, it was evident it was snowing. Beautiful white snowflakes falling to earth making the perfect matte for the picture that would hang permanently on the wall of my heart.

An experience to rival my most cherished memories collected through the ages. I’m so looking forward to returning on December 26th for a sleigh ride around the lake with my brothers’ family and mine. And I will secretly know, I had a hand in decorating those gorgeous trees. (Well I guess its not a secret anymore).

Well here we are-November 3.  I thought we’d never get here.  The summer seemed to drag by with its annoying and excessive heat, its bugs, its hail storms and plant watering and over eating at many BBQ’s.  Its skimpy dressing criteria when all you really want to do is hide under a great big sweater and scarf and not have to concern yourself with frequent pedicures and sun fading your hair color or people noticing your fleshy white aging legs or hammer toes in sandals.  Whew.  That’s over for another year.  Good riddance.

My church is not the large gathering of believers that fill the sanctuary every Sunday morning but, rather, the small group of couples we meet with on a weekly basis in one of our homes. We have belonged to one of these small groups off and on (mostly on), since our kiddos were littles. The nature of the groups has evolved over the years and people have come and gone. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. The demographic was whatever stage of life we were at.

When our kids were young, the couples in our group had young children also. I can remember nights where everyone brought thier littles and we banished them to the basement with the dog and some junk food never to be heard from again until their parents called them to surface because they were leaving. It’s a school night you know.

Every summer we would gather together for a camping trip. Those camping trips were delightful and great memories were made. The guys (I mean the men….the dads) chasing each other around the campsite with rubber tubing full of water, hidden under their clothes, spraying any unsuspecting camper (in our midst) who might be reading or relieving themselves or just innocently roasting a marshmallow around the campfire. We had a complex system of tarps set up between all the sites in case it rained (when didn’t it?). The moms would spend the week prior baking and then we would all share the spoils with other families. One year we had a campsite decorating contest. One family decorated their trailer like a gingerbread house. One lucky family had a motor home with a heater while the rest of us froze in our tents on the cold ground. There were no hard feelings. Well not much.

We celebrated all the special events just like the new testament church, sharing our food and our resources. We prayed for all the tribulations as well. We actually had a family whose Mr. had to go to prison, we saw the wife and kids through that. We had another family find out their husband and father had some very secret and dangerous pathologies. We prayed each other through brain tumors , job losses, childhood diseases and accidents, education choices, pregnancies, birth defects, divorces, death of parents and every other manner of struggles such as are common to mankind. We blessed the less fortunate whenever possible and we always involved our kids so they would learn what charity and compassion is. We weren’t entirely successful.

There were a few years when our group kind of disintegrated and people moved on to other phases of life or different church bodies or left the city entirely. I must say that our lives felt much more onerous and we did some serious falling apart during those lonely years. As Barbra Streisand sang “people who need people are the luckiest people in the world”. I have found that to be so true.

As we navigated our particular journey, the Lord led us to another community of believers and due to the massive gathering of people here we realized that we needed the intimacy of a smaller group of friends, so we began the hunt for the ‘just right’ group of couples once again. We are a motley crew tied together by our faith in Christ.  We may not have befriended these particular people on our own but under the umbrella of our small group, we fit well.  We have shared our stories with each other week after week and are humbled by how ‘the same’ we really are. In this new group (10 years old now) , all of our kids are grown and we are facing aging and retirement and grand-parenting. Some of us would like to retire but can’t.  Some of us would like to grandparent but haven’t had that opportunity.  Some of us are just trying to keep our adult kids from imploding. Some of us our just trying to keep ourselves out of financial ruin.  Some of us are dealing with health issues that threaten our very existence. We have become extremely vulnerable with group of  ‘friends become family’.

We bond as we pray and share the challenges our adult families are facing. Frequently we break bread together and a party breaks out. We share advice and mentor or encourage whomever is needing it most. We have provided meals for anyone in the group who is undergoing medical or financial stresses. We have walked some dear friends through deep loss. Some of us have holidayed together. Some of us have made salsa together. Some of have gone on motorcycle trips together. We have attended the weddings of each other’s kids. Many of us have become grandparents. We frequently turn our gatherings into social events and there is nothing wrong with that. We study the nuances of God’s word together and endeavor to figure out what it all means and how He meant for it to be applied to our lives in the here and now. We glean the wisdom each has in their areas of experience. We learn from each other and we encourage each other. We laugh. We cry. We pray. We rejoice. We celebrate. We empathize. We support.

I believe a big factor in bonding with our band of believers are the opportunities we have to serve together. Making meals at a local children’s hospital, packing shoe boxes for kids in 3rd world countries, delivering food hampers to struggling families at Christmas and Easter, blessing one of our own, struggling with cancer, by leaving gifts on their doorstep. Our latest challenge may be trying to do out part in taking care of God’s amazing earth that He has so graciously left us here to steward.

We have a commitment to this group of people because we cherish them. We depend on them. We need them. We love them. And, frankly, I don’t know how we would thrive or survive without them. We are so grateful not to be alone as we journey this crazy, mad, backwards, upside down world.

When I say I’m taking a break from feeling bad about myself it doesn’t mean I’m going to just let myself… go to hell, so to speak. It means I’m not going to be motivated by feeling bad about myself. I’m still going to engage in beneficial, ‘good for you’ activities. I’m just not going to do them from the miry bottom of a pit of low self esteem.

I am what I am. In this moment, and I’m working towards extreme self care and improvement but I’m not going to feel bad about myself every step of the way there. On my way to where I’d like to be. I’m going to remind myself that I deserve to take care of myself. This doesn’t entail materialistic self indulgence. It entails love, discipline and reordering my priorities. And self care also isn’t about about selfcenteredness or selfishness. At least it doesn’t have to be. It’s not narcissism. It’s stewarding my health, my time and my resources to the glory of God, not because I really should do something about the image the world is holding me accountable for.

Nobody really cares about my girth, my aging process, or the management of my days, hours and bank account like I think they do anyway. And if for some reason any of this has become the subject of judgemental conversation- well, that’s on the people talking about it. What people say about me is none of my business.

I’m going to love myself and enjoy myself and others and the seasons and my blessings inspite of the fact that I’m not living up to the worlds expectations for me. Seriously, can anybody?

I can’t change anything physical overnight so I’m going to love myself thru to transformation how ever gradual or minute that may be. If this is how I stay forever, inspite of my best efforts- then so be it. I’ll have a new glorious body and life soon enough. I’m not going to let my perceived imperfections keep me from getting to it.

Discipline and priorities. Acceptance and love. Living in the moment as opposed to ‘for’ the moment. Don’t judge. Flee from it. Because you WILL judge others with the same criteria that you judge yourself. I know this from experience,  I’m ashamed to admit. Be full of joy.  Grateful. Love people. Be kind. Don’t try to figure out everything. Be comfortable with not having all the answers. Harshness? Shun the thought. Kind is the new harsh.

Just remind yourself you’re doing the best you can- if indeed you are. I have to admit I haven’t been doing the best I can. Instead I chose to feel bad about myself. Unproductive for sure. Let’s not feel bad about ourselves and let’s not cause others to feel bad about themselves either. I do believe it’s a choice. And that’s all I’m going to say about that for awhile. I’ll be too busy endeavouring to practice what I preach.