Less Comparison. More Compassion.

geriraedean

When I say I’m taking a break from feeling bad about myself it doesn’t mean I’m going to just let myself… go to hell, so to speak. It means I’m not going to be motivated by feeling bad about myself. I’m still going to engage in beneficial, ‘good for you’ activities. I’m just not going to do them from the miry bottom of a pit of low self esteem.

I am what I am. In this moment, and I’m working towards extreme self care and improvement but I’m not going to feel bad about myself every step of the way there. On my way to where I’d like to be. I’m going to remind myself that I deserve to take care of myself. This doesn’t entail materialistic self indulgence. It entails love, discipline and reordering my priorities. And self care also isn’t about about selfcenteredness or selfishness. At least it doesn’t have to be. It’s not narcissism. It’s stewarding my health, my time and my resources to the glory of God, not because I really should do something about the image the world is holding me accountable for.

Nobody really cares about my girth, my aging process, or the management of my days, hours and bank account like I think they do anyway. And if for some reason any of this has become the subject of judgemental conversation- well, that’s on the people talking about it. What people say about me is none of my business.

I’m going to love myself and enjoy myself and others and the seasons and my blessings inspite of the fact that I’m not living up to the worlds expectations for me. Seriously, can anybody?

I can’t change anything physical overnight so I’m going to love myself thru to transformation how ever gradual or minute that may be. If this is how I stay forever, inspite of my best efforts- then so be it. I’ll have a new glorious body and life soon enough. I’m not going to let my perceived imperfections keep me from getting to it.

Discipline and priorities. Acceptance and love. Living in the moment as opposed to ‘for’ the moment. Don’t judge. Flee from it. Because you WILL judge others with the same criteria that you judge yourself. I know this from experience,  I’m ashamed to admit. Be full of joy.  Grateful. Love people. Be kind. Don’t try to figure out everything. Be comfortable with not having all the answers. Harshness? Shun the thought. Kind is the new harsh.

Just remind yourself you’re doing the best you can- if indeed you are. I have to admit I haven’t been doing the best I can. Instead I chose to feel bad about myself. Unproductive for sure. Let’s not feel bad about ourselves and let’s not cause others to feel bad about themselves either. I do believe it’s a choice. And that’s all I’m going to say about that for awhile. I’ll be too busy endeavouring to practice what I preach.

Cut Yourself Some Slack Girlfriend

geriraedean
I think I’m going to take a break from feeling bad about myself.  Its time. Its so tiring.  Plus feeling bad about myself means I am constantly thinking about myself.  I’m so boring.  I don’t want to think about me and my shortcomings and failings for a bit.   I know at some point I need to make some improvements but for now I am taking a break.
Its so onerous to always feel like you’re a big fat failure. Can’t keep a job.  Can’t get a job.  Can’t lose weight.  Can’t manage your finances.  Can’t keep up with your domestic duties. Can’t manage your time the way the world says you should.  I’m tired of feeling guilty for watching Netflix. Feeling guilty for sitting in a chair reading when the house is a mess.  Feeling guilty that the house is a mess in the first place.  Feeling guilty when I go to bed early.  Feeling guilty because I still don’t have my own business up and running.  Feeling guilty because I would rather be creating than selling out to a job that pays the bills.  (I realize this is necessary but hello?  I want to do my bliss).
All my parenting mistakes flood my mind and I convince myself I should have done so much better.  I should be a better wife.  I should be a better friend.  I should be a better daughter.  I should write more.  I should create more.  I should have gone on a missions trip.  I should be changing the world.  And why can’t I find time to play the piano?  And why don’t those clothes fit anymore?  Why are my eyelids drooping?  And my jowls?  And why does my lipstick bleed?  And why are my feet and legs always cramping up, trying to kill me with the pain?  Why is my yoga video so hard these days?
Why is there so much stuff in this house?  Why am I continually purging?  Why do I love butter tarts and french fries so much?  Why do I like staying up late (maybe because its too painful to go to bed…that’s when the hip flares up…and the leg cramps).  Yes I am taking Magnesium.  Why do I do the things I don’t want to do and don’t do the things I want to do?
Instead of searching for the answers to these questions that bombard me day after day, I am going to be kinder to myself.  I am going to treat myself the way I would treat a cherished friend.  I am going to talk nice to myself.  Encourage myself. Accept myself.  Be grateful for myself. Not be so hard on myself. Be patient with myself.  Not blame myself all the time.  Not berate myself.  Not doubt myself.  Not dwell on past mistakes because…. Grace.  Realize I am doing the best I can at this time.   I’m not purposely trying to be a failure…it just happens sometimes.  So what?  Its not the end of the world.
I am a person worthy of love and so I am going to love myself more.  Ease up and put my arm around myself.  Talk wisdom and healing to myself (well I’ll let His word do that).  I am going to spend more time seeking the creator of the universe because I know He loves me more than anyone and He loves to spend time with me.  He accepts me just the way I am.  He is patient with me.  Endearingly so. He wants me to succeed.  He has given me everything I need for life and godliness.
And He doesn’t expect me to be a size 4…ever. (especially since the last time I was a size 4 I actually was 4)   He doesn’t expect me to be perfect.  He doesn’t expect me to have it all together all of the time.  He doesn’t expect me to know it all, all at once.  He doesn’t expect me to run a marathon. He doesn’t expect me to drive a standard. He doesn’t expect me to look 25 when I am 60.  He doesn’t expect me to paint like Trishia Romance. He doesn’t expect me to enter and win the next Great Canadian Baking show (although I’d love to try).
And maybe, just maybe, when I let myself off the hook and quit feeling bad about myself – all the time –  some of the changes I would love to see will start to happen.  When I quit striving so hard.  When I cut myself some slack. When I quit putting undo importance on unimportant things.   When I focus on joy and peace and not living up to the worlds expectations.  When I relax and enjoy this precise moment.   When I am more grateful that regretful. Maybe then I will enjoy who I am.  Who God made me to be.  Here goes…..join me?

One Work Day Morning

geriraedean

Repost from October 11, 2012

 

James Earl Jones was on the LRT this morning.  Well not really but it could have been his double. They say everyone has a lookalike somewhere.  The diversity of people you bump up against on the train is amazing (and I do mean ‘bump up against’).  Yesterday I was sitting in front of a Europeon woman wearing a Hermes scarf, a Michael Kors bags and Burberry reading glasses. She was clearly engrossed in a book titled “The Last Love Letter or the The Last Letter from my Lover”….anyway, I watched her gasp with her eyes as she read one page and could see the distress in her expression which gave way to a smile and a sigh as she turned the page.  A man was jumping for the open seat next to me so he could read his ‘real’ book…Insomnia by Steven King.  He was clearly riveted.  Many others read their Kindles and Kobo’s or playing games on their cellphones or texting.  Not too much conversation.  Yesterday a young girl got up an offered me her seat.  I asked her if she was getting off at the next stop and she just smiled so I accepted the seat and she didn’t get off at the next stop or the next one and I thought “I must look pretty decrepit if she gave me her seat…YIKES!”  One FB friend suggested maybe the girl just happened to be the last youth in town that had any respect and another FB friend said is was probably because I was teetering on 5 inches heels…In reality, it could have been either. This morning I managed to arrive 15 minutes earlier than usual (which is the time I have been aiming at for over 2 months now).  Funny how the first morning with snow I end up 15 minutes earlier to an almost empty train…hmmm?  Where do I want to sit??  As we approach downtown and the doors open at the first stop I hear church bells chiming in the cold darkness and then get off at my stop to accept the Metro and Herald from warmly clad barkers passing out the news.  I grab a couple of publications in case I get a lull in the day and turn the corner to face the cold wind of 6:50am in the morning.  I do not overlook the mini lights that line the arches of the historical Bay building…such a welcoming sight to start the day. I enter my building and am greeted by the cheerful man that is standing there everyday…he must come in at 5:00am (probably a former Walmart employee).  I head for my bank of elevators and smell the coffee wafting from the main floor Starbucks…I’ll be right back down for that, I think to myself.  When I arrive at my floor, its darkness.  The lights are motion sensitive so the overwhelming darkness tells me that many are not in yet.  As I walk to my office the lights go on after each step.  I sort through my lunch, papers, books, extra shoes and get myself setup for the day.  Then its back to Starbucks for a Tazo Chai.  The line up is reasonable today.  Another group of people that must arrive at 5:00 am so no one has to have an early morning meltdown when their addictive stimulant is not available. The lobby of our building is totally decked out for fall with pumpkins everywhere and leaf posters and leaves in the windows…it quite awesome actually.  I really do feel like I am in New York with the hustle and bustle of early morning office life and the amenities and landmarks one finds in downtown Calgary.  I am working in the 2nd tallest building in Calgary with 49 floors – I’m on the 8th.  A nice safe distance from the ground and yet still a bit of a view.  And I’m still texting my daughter living in London…we started texting on the LRT and on it goes.  For her it is early afternoon.  And, by the way, I’ve found a new driving route to get to the LRT parking…through a beautiful residential area that keeps me away from the all the traffic backups at the two lights one has to navigate to get into the LRT parking lot.  So its ALL good.  My new downtown lifestyle and routine.  I think I’m gonna like it here.

When you’re alone

And life is making you lonely,

You can always go downtown

When you’ve got worries,

All the noise and the hurry

Seems to help, I know, downtown

Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city

Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty

How can you lose?

The lights are much brighter there

You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go

Downtown, things’ll be great when you’re

Downtown, no finer place for sure,

Downtown, everything’s waiting for you

The Best Excuse for a Holiday

geriraedean

After this past week, month, year….I agree with whoever penned the words ‘Stop the world, I want to get off’.  But that is not really a choice I, or any of us, have is it?  We have to plow through… whatever.  We live in a world gone mad.  No seriously.  Most of the happenings don’t even make sense anymore.  Where are the wise men?  I guess its true that there were only three of them and they are gone. So sad.   Maybe that’s the reason we celebrate Christmas in honor of those last three wise men.  I am sure you have heard the axiom ‘wise men still seek Him’.  That for sure is true.  Maybe if we looked really, really hard we could find some wise men and women with their Bibles cracked open and their knees bent in prayer and supplication. Men and women with a direct line to the Almighty interceding on behalf of the world.   There is no arguing we need it.

In John 16,  Jesus explains the way of things to the disciples and what is about to happen (and He is saying this for our benefit in the here and now) He concludes with “I am telling you these things that you may have peace.  In this world you WILL have trouble, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world (for you)”.  There are many passages where it is explained how the world would evolve into madness but we do not have to succumb to the madness.  We don’t have to be paralyzed by fear.  We don’t have to lean unto our own understanding.  He is never leaving us or forsaking us.  He is here.  Emmanuel.  God with us.  Oh right, that is why we celebrate Christmas.
I believe that God was and is all about the celebrations.  He gave explicit instructions to His people how to commemorate everything that He ever did for them and He did a lot. He is a believer in celebration.  This weekend we celebrate ‘Thanksgiving’.  Thank goodness someone came up with this idea in a kinder, gentler era and we are still allowed to celebrate it.  So, I, for one, am going to celebrate with flare.  I always do.  Give me an opportunity to celebrate and I’ll be there with duct tape and wire and push pins.  I’ve got my table set and chicken thawing and my pumpkin pies bought (because Costco’s are the best). I’ll whip the cream. My pumpkins painted. Oh you didn’t know you were supposed to paint pumpkins??  Well orange is such a garish color and given my house is decorated in black, orange makes the place look like Halloween. Painted Pumpkins…it sounds like a rock group. I digress….
I have so much to be grateful for.  Even if its just the fact that in a world full of chaos and fake news and insanity I hold the truth close to my heart.  It is my compass.  My true north. I can see evidence of God’s presence and power in everyday circumstances and things.  I am so grateful He has opened my eyes to see.  So grateful for my family gathered around me…literally.   Grateful for health and wealth.  And we are wealthy in all the ways.  We have amazing friends.  Friends that would help us bury the body (to coin a new description for true blues). We have shelter and safety (well as safe as one can be these days).  I would not have a problem finding three things to be grateful for each and every day, which is supposed to be an excellent way to have a better life BTW.
So I will celebrate the holiday of ‘Thanksgiving’ with enthusiasm and joy and freedom for as long as is possible. No one can stop me from celebrating Thanksgiving in my heart all the time.  Its a great excuse for a holiday.

A Letting Go

geriraedean

My happy little pansies.  My voluptuous petunias. My regal geraniums. My dancing zinnias. I have let them go.  I was wearing fleece, down and boots yesterday.  Somehow I just can’t reconcile watering my plants today.  They’ve served me well.  They’ve brought joy to my heart, life to frost’s death and color to winter’s greys.

The lyrics of a beloved song come to mind.
A bit of earth
She wants a little bit of earth
She’ll plant some seeds
The seeds will grow
The flowers bloom
Their beauty just the thing she needs
She’ll grow to love the tender roses
Lilies fair, the iris tall
And then in fall, her bit of earth
Will freeze and kill them all.
– A Bit of Earth from the movie a Secret Garden.
Sad but beautifully poignant.  If I kept watering these flowers they would probably thrive until the next frost – I’m surprised they made it through the first one.  But I am done.  I must move on.  I have other concerns to take my focus in this season.  So I am letting my beauties go while they are still lovely.  To walk away from something lovely is a good practice.  It builds character.  It is easy to walk away from something dead.  But to walk away from something that pulls at your heart?   They are going to be done soon anyway and I am going to remember them in all their beautiful glory.  I don’t think this is mean.  I think I am letting them go with dignity.  I won’t look back.
I am not usually very good at letting go….of anything.  Especially anything that was life changing (even painful).    Anything that is nostalgic.    Anything that was sacred.  But sometimes we just have to let go.  Let go of our kids childhoods.  Let go of our own childhoods.  Let go of friends that were for a season.  Let go of unrealistic expectations.  Let go of disappointments.  Let go of pain that has been a constant companion.  Let go of bad habits.  Let go of circumstances that served us well in a certain season but are not longer required.  Let go of anything toxic in our lives.  Let go of perfectionism.  Let go of getting our own way.  We must let go to free our hearts and hands up for whats ahead.
Very often we perceive some event, some person or some set of circumstances in a false light.  Something we believed was good and working turns out not to be.  We have been deceived and we mourn for something that never was. The more time we waste mourning it the longer it takes for us to move into the next phase of growth and discovery.  I don’t want to waste anymore time hanging onto things that have been holding me back or making me miserable or just sad.  Why would I do that?  The unknown doesn’t have to be scary.  It can be exciting.  The possibilities and opportunities that we have no perception of yet.  There’s just as good a chance that they will be amazing as not.
Our pastor talked about letting go of the helm of our lives yesterday.  Letting go of our inner control freak.  Surely I had no idea what he was talking about.  Inner control freak?  He’s so funny.  I want everything to happen just a certain way and in a certain timing. I want my plans to go off without a hitch.  I want people to behave the way I want them to and I want life to unfold according to my imagination.   How often does this happen? In my experience, not very often.  Conundrum.
Am I going to let go of my unrealistic expectations and embrace disappointment and learn from it?  Or am I going to hang on for dear life and suffer unnecessarily?  I am an emotional and nostalgic soul.  Very often events that I thought were one thing turn out to be about another thing altogether and I need to let go.  Let go and save any good memories and then move on.  Its moving day for this girl.  Letting go and moving on.  Maybe a paradigm shift of sorts.  Dare to believe that things are different that what I have labeled them.
I believe letting go with give me strength and courage.   Or at least momentum.  Momentum to move forward and learn from the past, not cling to it.  Letting go will move me closer to hope for what could be.  Letting go of the helm of my own life so HE can lead me into what HE has for me.  Letting go will always be my choice. Empowering.

Dont you love New York in the Fall?

geriraedean

Repost from September 2015

 

I DO love New York in the fall. I’ve never experienced autumn in New York but I have enjoyed it in summer and I have been enchanted by it in winter so given the fact that fall is my favorite time of year I am sure that it would be exactly as I imagine and what I’m imagining – I love. It’s like Camelot. The winter is forbidden till December and exits March the second on the dot. By order, summer lingers through September. In Camelot. The rain may never fall till after sundown. By eight, the morning fog must disappear. In short, there’s simply not a more congenial spot for happily-ever-aftering than there in Camelot.

Last weekend I was in Vancouver as fall began to unveil its lovely face. We sauntered through Stanley Park (a wannabe Central Park) and I collected fallen maple leaves (since maples don’t grow here in Alberta). I also stumbled upon a broken branch from an oak tree which I dragged through the park and loaded in my brothers rented van to use as the centerpiece for our Thanksgiving dinner – it still had acorns on it and rich fall colored leaves. My heart leapt for joy when I received the fall cups from Starbucks with the Warmly Fall sleeve wrapped around it. There is a reason why the Pumpkin Spice Latte is so popular – its a sentimental thing. I remember kicking through the crisp fallen leaves as I walked to school as a child. I loved the crunch of them underfoot. I loved the smell of the crisp air. There is something about donning a comfy cozy stylish sweater for the first time since last winter. Something about holding a hot beverage to your lips and taking in the warm aroma. Even though it’s still warm enough to wear summer clothes I have dragged all the items I could get away with for fall to the forefront. The boots, the sweaters, the scarves, the vests…..I love cool weather dressing, it’s so much more…. forgiving. Love sitting around a crackling fire outdoors or in. Try to remember the kind of September when life was slow and oh, so mellow. Try to remember the kind of September when grass was green and grain was yellow. Try to remember and if you remember then follow. Try to remember when life was so tender that no one wept except the willow. Try to remember when life was so tender that dreams were kept beside your pillow. Try to remember when life was so tender that love was an ember about to billow Try to remember and if you remember then follow.

I’m so over summer! It has its charms to be sure but I love that we have seasons. September marks a time of new beginnings much more so than does January. First of all I have much more energy and motivation in the fall. As a mom, it always marked the season of kids going back to school and therefore freeing up much more time for me to accomplish whatever. It felt like a new start and it still does. Two weekends ago we dropped both of our adult children off in Vancouver for at least a season and I am feeling very fancy free and happy go lightly. I’m looking forward to evenings by the fireside reading and sewing with cinnamon pumpkin spice candles burning in the background and Bennett and Gaga (or Frank and Ella) filling the room with soothing music. I have this urge to go to the Farmers Market and bring home my spoils to make soups and chili’s and salsa and such. Apple pies…oh how I used to love to fill the freezer with apples pies for the winter. I may do so again this autumn. I may make salsa as well. I’m going to set aside my Friday’s for quilting and my evening’s for studying and reading and blogging (watch for it). I’ve got projects lined up til Christmas and it’s not overwhelming me, it’s exciting me. I’m going to try my hand at French cooking – first up – beef bourguignon. Oh yes – mustn’t forget – I have to finish last Christmases puzzle. Which was New York at Christmas…we’ve come full circle folks. Last December Mom, Lexie and I went to New York in December. Magical. Deep in December it’s nice to remember although you know the snow will follow. Deep in December it’s nice to remember without the hurt the heart is hollow. Deep in December it’s nice to remember the fire of September that made us mellow. Deep in December our hearts should remember and follow.

Mike and I are toying with the idea of joining the kids in Vancouver for Thanksgiving (at my brothers). I truly think I will revisit Stanley Park and Granville Island. Thanksgiving is the precursor to Christmas for me. Well I guess it is in the states too but their Thanksgiving is about 6 weeks later. Too bad for them. I desperately want to play the Home Alone Christmas album but I’m saving it until after thanksgiving. Not going to be easy but when I break it out, it’s going to be so worth it. In the meantime, I will quilt and bake and sew and cook and blog and read by the fire and wear cozy sweaters and hang at Starbucks and drive to work in the dark and watch ‘You’ve Got Mail’ a bazillion times.

Its not all about the Money, is it?

geriraedean

I told a friend today that life wasn’t all about the money and I truly believe that.  I haven’t always believed that.  It was a long time coming.

She challenged me, that for the couple who are both unemployed and the bills just keep on coming – it IS all about the money.  For the family that is drowning in medical bills and going under…it IS all about the money. When the bank is threatening to foreclose on your house and repossess your only vehicle – it IS all about the money.  When you are trying to get cozy and warm under a layer of brown paper in a cardboard box on a cold winter night – it IS all about the money.   Not having to worry about where our next meal is coming from or where we are going to sleep tonite or how we will keep our children alive and healthy.  I DO get that.  We need money to live in this world.  Fact of life.  Truer than true.
The marketers of this world want us to believe it is all about the money.  And so much of what is going on in this world and life is all about money.  Looking out for number one.  Making a buck.  Living in comfort.  Feeling financially secure. Having status and power.
But for me… I started to realize that I have sold my creative soul to practicality.  To fear.  To squelching my dreams and goals.  To living up to other people expectations. To falling for the manipulation of the marketers.   All for the almighty dollar.  I found my security in a job and in a paycheque and in my spending power. And no….we can’t all afford to follow our bliss.  If we could, everyone would be doing it. But as long as I had the ability to produce wealth – I lived with a sense of security, albeit false.  Being able to spend money and what I could get with it was my security.    It was my image and my status. It was my comfort and my bubble.   Inspite of being a believer in a Creator that owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  Inspite of knowing that I was a daughter and an heir to everything that was HIS, I chose to believe that I had to make it all happen.  I had to do it all. I had to grasp for whatever I could get my grubby little hands on and then hang on to it for dear life (AKA hoarding).  What if HE didn’t bless me with enough? or the with the right stuff?  What if I didn’t like what HE would provide?  What then?  What if I didn’t want to wait?  I’m not getting any younger you know.  I am of the instant gratification generation.  I’m not particularly fond of His timing at times.
Each time I have had a job taken from me (several times in this life) I have felt the rug pulled out from underneath and panic and sheer terror has set in.  This last time finally did me in.  What was to become of me?  Of us?  Why did my heavenly Father keep blessing me with amazing opportunities and then allow them to be taken from me?  Was He mad at me?  Did He want to teach me a lesson?  Did he want me to suffer?
I have to admit, I am as stupid as those Israelites that wandered the desert for 40 years looking for the promised land when it should have taken 11 days.  I read something in a book recently that stated… Life is not supposed to be like a merry-go-round where we keep going around in circles always ending up back in the same place.  This was my life and to be honest, I was getting very dizzy of it. I keep purging my home every 6 months or so and am in the process of doing so once again and I usually have heeps of boxes of things to donate.  Why is this?  Why is my home bulging at the seams?  Because I keep making bad choices, that’s why.
Here’s the thing.  I have made bad spending choices. Disobedient spending choices, if I am going to share my shame story with you and it appears that I am.  I have found my security in things.  I have found my security in comfort.  I have found my security in image.  And yet….turns out it wasn’t secure at all.  And I am not secure.  Its my insecurities that have caused me to make these bad choices.  Over the last year and a half as I have finally had to realize that I need to adopt a different lifestyle.  I need to tone it way down. I am now reaping what I have sown.  And this financial irresponsibility is what has kept me up at night.  I need to simplify and live with less.  I need to stop worrying and panicking and fearing.  I need to trust the one I believe in.
And I am finally realizing that I do not need everything I once thought I did.  Having a beautiful home and a nice car to drive, a trendy and extensive wardrobe, opportunities to travel and buying whatever my little hearts desires were once heady experiences.  Don’t get me wrong…I DO still love all of those things and I do still succumb to old ways  now and again but I am making progress.  I’ve come to  realize that I don’t need all of this to have a rich, fulfilling, purposeful life. Those things turned out to be a noose around my neck and very often have made me a slave.  And I’m not too fond of slavery.  Who is? I believe, in the slavery, I have lost my sense of purpose, my calling, some might say.  And I need to find it again or finally. But first I need to strip away the clutter in my soul and in my life.
And then I reflect on how faithful HE has been even when I have been unfaithful.  When I revisit my personal journey, I can see how HE has come through for me time and time again.  HE will never leave or forsake me…or you for that matter.  Most of my greatest fears have never come to pass.   No, I have not always embraced His methods but in the end, He’s always been there.  And I realize that my pursuit should not be material gain but rather abiding in Him and clinging to the vine and learning to trust Him because I have found Him faithful.
And no, HE has not always been pleased with the way I have stewarded his blessings (or not) but He is not trying to make me suffer. I am doing that to myself.  He is for me. He KNOWS the plans he has for me, even if I do not and those plans are not to harm me (in any way), they are to prosper me (in every way) and to give me a future and a hope.  And as long as my hope is in Him…then it is not all about the money.