I remember being in a hot spin/yin class with Lexie and after the instructor (or yogi) had nearly torn our muscles to shreds, she asked us to stretch ourselves as high up to the ceiling as we possibly could and while we were up there ‘to feel our authenticity’. I looked at Lexie and literally spit out a laugh. ‘Where does she get this stuff?’ I wondered? What did it mean? Feel that I am a real person and not just a mirage or a mannequin? I mean anything that involved lying on my mat on the floor with a hot eucalyptus cloth on my forehead – I was into. Spew whatever ridiculous yogi-isms you want, I’m tuned out. I’m having an outer body experience as sweat pours down my frame. I’m authentic all right. Authentically relaxed and sleeping. Wake me when it’s over. Lexie is poking me to alert me that the room is empty and I authentically have to get up and drive home now. BTW that class cost an authentic $22. Did someone say spoiled and luxury in the same sentence?

I don’t think this is the same kind of authentic we discussed in our home group several weeks ago. Our first question for discussion was to identify someone we considered truly authentic. I threw out Trumps name for a laugh and a laugh it did get. Billy Grahams name came up but I’m pretty sure that person was describing integrity. Authentic, we decided, meant real and consistent. So I guess if someone is a real jerk and is consistently a jerk then he is an authentic jerk.

I mentally ran down the list of people I associate with on a regular basis and could only really think of one or two people that I considered truly authentic. In my thinking, someone authentic is going to be consistent in character and speech. Their actions will match their words -always. I will always know what to expect from them. They will be the same person every time I am with them. No surprises. No secrets. No hiding. No pretenses. They will not try to be someone they are not and they will always be honest and upfront. They will be a safe place. This appears to be a difficult thing to do.

Then we discussed whether being authentic involved being vulnerable. I, personally, think it does. If I am being very real and honest then I am making myself vulnerable because I have no idea how you will process what I am projecting. I’m not hiding anything so that makes me an open book. I also believe humility enters the picture as well. If we are caught up in the image we are projecting then pride enters the scenario. If we try to project an image that is more favourable than we deserve then pride has run amuck. This is so easy to do with social media these days. People only get to see what we want them to see. That’s a another blog for another day.

I want to be authentic. I want to be real. And this should come so naturally but often, it doesn’t. I want to be a safe place. Seriously folks, putting up pretenses is exhausting. I don’t have no time for dat!

I think we all fake it now and then and maybe rightfully so. When we don’t want to burden people. They are going through a lot and the last thing they need to know is that your life is falling apart, so we hide that. But hopefully you have people in your life that can handle the truth and allow you to be authentic. If someone knows the real me, with all my warts and foibles, and still loves me or wants to be around me, well that’s a relationship worth pursuing and protecting.

I want my motto to be ‘what you see is what you get’. No hidden agendas, no pretending, no hiding. And if I’m being authentic then maybe, just maybe, that will allow you to be authentic too. Who are we hiding and why?

Pepe le Pew is back for a repeat visit. He thought he would live under our shed the summer of 2015 but Mike managed to run him off our property and out of town but it appears he is back. What is it about these animals that just love our yard? I know we fixed it up pretty special so we and our friends could enjoy it but seriously? We added a bird feeder to our yard this spring so we would attract melodious song birds not smelly rodents. It’s the only source of food we have back there. Lexie and Mike spent Victoria Day planting all the new plants Lexie felt we needed to round out our repertoire of blooms and that little weasel dug them up to burrow himself deep beneath the shed. If it’s not the deer smorging out on our flowers and new trees then it’s skunks living under our shed.

We also noticed a bit of an ant problem close to the deck. When I arrived on the scene I noticed that mike and the kids had set up a barrier of tables on their sides at the top of the stairs to the deck and they were all standing around mesmerized by the army of ants. I looked at the ants and I looked at the tables and thought out loud to myself ‘surely you don’t think these tables are going to keep the ants off the deck?’ They chuckled and assured me the barrier was to keep the skunk off the deck.

I’ve been reading up on the lifestyles of the skunk and apparently if a skunk is feathering a nest under your shed it’s probably a female getting ready for her babies. So there is a good chance that this is Mrs. Pepe le Pew. Well one of them anyway as apparently skunks are polygamous. Maybe that’s why Warner Bros has portrayed Pepe le pew as the Don Juan of the animal kingdom.

Somebody in our family said ‘well she darn well better not lay her eggs under our shed’. And I replied ‘yeah, if that warm blooded mammal deigns to lay her eggs under our shed I’ll scramble them for breakfast’. I pray there are no babies yet. If Lexie finds out there’s babies she will want to throw them a baby shower. Oy. All I can say is you better be serving lots of tomato juice at the shower.

Mike and the kids stuffed every possible opening in the yard with newspaper and then put bolts on the gate so if skunkypew left they’d know because the bolts would have fallen. Andrew was voted the person to monitor the skunks activity at night since they are nocturnal and so is he. I warned him about getting sprayed. I told him to take an old blanket onto the deck in case the skunk attacked him as he would not be coming into the house after that. He would be sleeping on the deck. The shrunk can spray 6 rounds of ammo and then it takes him 10 days to reload so at least if andrew got sprayed we’d know we had 10 more days to outsmart the little stinker.

Both kids went to check out the bolts at 2am last night. That was clever. They could have both been sleeping out there. However the bolts had fallen down in the direction of the skunk exiting the yard so they closed the opening in the gate and stuffed the paper back in the opening under the shed and went to bed. We think it’s gone but time will smell the story.

I’ll keep you posted.

Peeps, I’ve discovered a new diet. Well, I guess I invented it more than discovered it. It’s the Sweet BBQ chips Venti peach green tea lemonade Hot tomales diet. If you’re thinking this is a weight loss diet, don’t, because it doesn’t do that. Think of it as the ‘happy diet’ because it makes you happy until… it doesn’t.

While you are munching on your chips and washing them down with that refreshing peach/green tea/lemonade concoction you are in heaven. Pure bliss. Green tea is the new magic health serum is it not? Im just making it more palatable. I’ve decided that since sugar is the real culprit in declining health that these chips are the best choice over all the Starbucks confections. Follow that up with a few mouth jolting hot tomales (to speed up your metabolism) and your in your happy place. Until you try on your stretchy white jeans from last summer and you cannot get them done up (did I mention they are stretchy?). This is where the happy diet breaks down.

I guess this is why people often label chubby people as jolly. Because the food they are eating IS making them happy-in that moment. These people are happy because they get to eat what they want. They get to eat what makes them feel good emotionally.

So I’m giving the chubby happy thing a whirl for a bit, in case you hadn’t noticed. It works nicely in that you don’t have to count calories or points or say ‘no thanks I can’t eat that’ as you glance longingly at the delectable offering that is not on your list of approved foods. So much less work. Less math. Less deprivation. Less hangry. Let’s just say I’m a nicer person over all. It’s been quite freeing to just not care.  Sometimes when I’m out with friends (I usually don’t go out with enemies) I’ll just say in an unusually loud voice ‘well my agent wanted me to gain 25 pounds for this new role’.

Unfortunately, my doctor told me I was totally depleted of Vitamin B12 and did I notice I was having difficulty dragging my assets around? Yup! I thought I was just being lazy. She wants me to have B12 shots. I asked where a person gets B12 from in their diet and not one food she mentioned was sweet BBQ chips, peach green tea lemonade or hot tomales.

So I’m happy when I’m enjoying my new food addictions and this works when I’m lounging around the house in my baggy plaid GAP housecoat/shirt (which I can do because I’m jobless) or making a Starbucks run in my Lulus. The trouble begins when I attempt to get dressed to go out and look respectable and stylish. Style is overrated, don’t you think? Maybe you’re thinking it’s time to stage an intervention. I’m way ahead of you.

June 7 I am embarking on the Whole 30 journey. I got this idea from one of my favorite blogger/authors Jen Hatmaker. This month I am reading the books to prepare my life for this challenge. The premise is to only eat whole clean life giving foods for 30 days and totally break your cravings for crap food. Usually as I’m reading I’m sipping upon a peach green tea lemonade which will inevitably have to go. I’ll still be able to have the green tea just not the peach and sugary lemonade enhancers.

This program (by Melissa Hartwig and Dallas Hartwig) is about eating for health and vitality and is basically a reset. Apparently, if done properly and diligently it will change your life. By the end of 30 days I should not even want my new favorite happy diet foods and I will still be happy…. probably even more happy as my white jeans will fit.

I’ll keep you posted.