Now here’s something you shouldn’t do unless you want to spend the next five days crying your heart out. Don’t go back and look at your Facebook albums from 2007 forward. That’s almost twelve years of memories.  So often when I’m living and breathing in the moment, I can find a lot of things to be upset about.  Sometimes anger.  Often frustration.  More often fear.  Most often, sheer panic.  Exhaustion. Despair.  And I can hear my age old mantra playing on repeat on the victrola in my head ‘nothing ever turns out the way I plan”.  Sigh.

Sitting here watching the flames rising up from the logs. Small blue flames framing orange embers. The warmth is beginning to fill the room as I snuggle beneath my fur blanket. All is quiet. Except the chimes on our deck that I can faintly hear now and then. All are in bed sleeping the cold away. Even my husband has not stirred and I think he is supposed to be ushering at church in forty five minutes. Will I wake him now? No, I won’t, as it’s probably too late at this point anyway. I’m thinking he must need the sleep if he hasn’t woken on his own yet. I’m sure there won’t be that large of a crowd on this -37 morning. I think whoever does show up can find their way to their seats on their own. (Ok, I got in big trouble for not waking him up…oops. Apparently we are not on the same page about these things).

I was probably just being selfish because I wanted to absorb this quiet warmth on my own and this is exactly the mini retreat I was looking for on this chili Sunday morning. My new status, working five days a week, doesn’t leave much time for reflecting and writing and reading. Not much time for quiet meditation and focused prayer. My weekends are now filled with housekeeping, grocery shopping, cooking, meeting with friends, connecting with mom and running errands. I’m not complaining. My recent employment is a blessing and a gift. For such a time as this. I know it’s where I am supposed to be, contrary to many of the resolves to do my own creative thing from now on.

I wanted to live the dream of working my bliss, but I neglected to responsibly set myself up to make this dream viable. So now I’m going back and crossing the T’s and dotting the I’s. A creative always creates like it’s her job whether it is or not.  I may not be decorating cakes or making butter tarts and pies for 400 anymore. I may not be decorating people’s parties or fancy hotels for Christmas anymore. I may not be designing and setting up wedding venues or giving people’s furniture new life anymore but those creative ideas and the practice of them never leave my heart.

I subconsciously bring my creativity into everything I do and have done in the past. It’s the way of creatives. The way I decorate and manage a home. The way I raised my kids and made holidays and special occasions into lasting good memories. The way I attempt to create our own traditions. The way I put together an outfit. The ways I have endeavored to bless others. Even the way I have served on committees. Always bringing my insane ideas to the table and making others query ‘you want to pull off what?’ The creative mind runs every waking hour.

And all the ways I truly want to leave my creative mark in the entrepreneurial world, well….. sadly, weren’t  happening because I was too busy responding to commission work. Which filled a much needed financial gap. I am grateful for that work. But I really wasn’t being true to my creative self. If that makes any sense to the more practical personality.

So now that I don’t have time for commission work, I will focus on those creative endeavors that are near and dear to my heart. Designing, creating and writing about beautiful things that make the world a better place to be. There is still much beauty in this world and I want my focus to be bringing it to the attention of those more cynical. I also believe that it’s still worthwhile even if you are just creating for the pure joy and love of it and no one else knows it’s exists.

You can put the girl in an office but you can’t take the creativity out of her veins.

What a difference a day makes, 24 little hours, brought the sun and the flowers, where there used to be rain.  What a difference a day makes, There’s a rainbow before me,  Skies above can be stormy ….

As I was driving to my new place of employment yesterday morning, I was feeling ever so grateful.  I stopped for gas and then I stopped at Starbucks for my favorite sipping beverage (I make it last all day) and for the first time, since the CD player in my car quit, I actually brought along a Bluetooth speaker ( I was given for Christmas) and was able to play the favorite music that I downloaded on my iPhone after Lexie talked me into buying Apple Music with 3 months free.  I was bopping along to Renee Olstead (singing What a Difference a Day Makes), sipping my Mango Dragonfruit and coconut milk refresher and feeling grateful to be alive and able to drive myself to a squeaky clean new job.  No one has held this position here before so I guess I am defining it, as I go.  I was grateful I had a car and that it had gas in it.  I was grateful to be able to purchase something from Starbucks (everyday).  Grateful to have nice clothes to wear.  Grateful to wake up in a bed that is so warm and comfortable and have access to a shower with hot running water and luscious smelling toiletries from our favorite scented boutique.  I arrived at my inviting workspace.  I was told there were no stipulations on personal effects at your desk, so you can bet I took advantage of that.  This office doesn’t know what hit it, but I’ve been getting a favorable response.

This morning was a different story.  What a difference a day makes, 24 little hours…..When I left home things were looking calm and quiet.  I stopped at Starbucks once again and proceeded out to highway 22x, heading for Stony Trail.  As I neared Stony Trail North it appeared that my windows were very dirty.  I could barely see through them.  Naturally, I turned on the window washer but that clean window lasted about 30 seconds and I wondered why  it was still so hard to see.  As I proceeded down the highway, I realized that it was actually sleeting out and the other vehicles were spraying my window with muck, therefore, visibility was compromised.  I could barely see my own lane.  I pressed on.  I was concerned that I might run out of window washer fluid before I arrived at my destination.  The further North I went the worse the sleet or snow was getting and my wipers were moving nonstop.  This actually wasn’t helpful because they just seemed to be moving the muck around as opposed to removing it.  I maintained my position in the middle lane – not too fast and not too slow.  Who am I kidding?  There were drivers in the right hand lane that were passing me.   Next thing I know I am wedged in between two semis that were keeping my windows perpetually covered in slush and whipping stones out onto my windshield. My fists were clenched around the steering wheel and I was leaning forward looking for a clear space of window to see through.  I am sure I looked like a tentative little old lady that should not possess a driver’s license let alone be speeding down  the freeway with the big kids.   I hadn’t even touched my drink or the bagel that I had toasted to eat on the leisurely (ha!) drive in.    Who can eat at a time like this?   I was a wreck and finally spied my turn off.  Grateful to be on the homestretch. And IT happened.  My left leg started to cramp up.  NO…..not now, not here.  I’ve never had one these heinous leg cramps while I was actually driving and seriously???  I’m going to have one now?  I admit,  I started to panic (OK – hyperventilate)  AND pray.  Those leg cramps are so painful, there is no way I could drive with one.  I was looking for somewhere I could turn off to get out of the car to put pressure on the impending cramp.  While at the same time praying that it wouldn’t happen.  I am embarrassed to admit I was struck with fear. I may have been crying,  as I often do when leg spasms are involved. I remember thinking ‘this was not going to end well’.  But I pressed on, what else could I do?  I reached down and undid the zipper on my knee high boot on the leg with the cramp thinking I would relieve some pressure but that only made it worse.  That’s when I realized that the tight leather around my leg was the very thing that was keeping my leg from going into a full-fledged spasm.  Praying and clutching,  I finally approached my final turn off before the office parking lot.  That’s when I started to thank Jesus as I knew I was out of danger now.  I pulled into my parking spot and breathed a sigh of relief and another and then another.  I finally took a long sip of my Starbucks.

And my drive home will probably be uneventful and I will be extremely happy because after five long days of work, I get a weekend.  I remember that these circumstances never phased me when I was 25 or 30.  The working five days a week,  I mean.  I actually used to think that I had really hit the jackpot back then.  A company has hired me and in exchange for showing up every day and doing whatever they ask me,  I’m going to get a paycheque deposited into my account every two weeks, with which I could buy shoes, have a place to sleep and store my clothes, eat food, go to a movie, book a flight.  I was deliriously content and naive.

So the new year is upon us.  Upon me.  And I am very conscious of my excellent word for this year.  Intentional.  I am so excited for the possibilities living out this word could  mean for me and my life and even the lives of those that I could potentially bless by being intentional.

I always pray and ask the Lord for a word or a verse that I can live the next year by.  It gives me a sense of purpose and of meaning.  I do this rather than make a New Years resolution.  Its gentler and much more meaningful.  There have been years where I stuck by that word or verse like a leech and other years I haven’t done so well.  I would say I did not do as well in 2018 with my word ‘stewardship’ .   I already have my word for 2019 and it happens to be ‘Intentional’ and I’m going to give ‘stewartship’ another round as it occurs to me that I could have made more progress with ‘stewardship’ if I had been ‘intentional’ about it.  These wonderful pursuits rarely transpire by accident or default or ‘just because’ we have to be ‘intentional’ about them. We have to live our lives on purpose. Not be swayed by every wind of doctrine. Not just react to whatever the wind blows our way.  In years gone by I remember Steven Covey talking about being proactive.  This is a skill I need to hone.

When I talk about stewardship, I mean stewardship of everything.  My time.  My finances. My health. My relationships.  My skills and talents. My spiritual life.  And when I talk about ‘intentionality’, it also touches every single one of these areas.  I believe once I become intentional I will stop feeling like a victim because I will be in control of me.  Paul, in 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 says this: Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things.  They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable.  So I do not run aimlessly.  I do not box as one beating the air.  But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified. 

Well here I am exciled to the Banff Springs hotel in the majestic Rockie mountains on a work trip, once again.

We worked late into the night yesterday so we could have a relatively relaxing day before the boss shows up with his truck at supper time to commence the loading. Walking through the bowels of the hotel last night with our trolleys was reminiscent of being on the Titanic. Not that I was on it, but how many times have I watched that movie?

I haven’t written much lately as finding a space of time to be creative has been difficult. However, I have been pondering many things in my heart during this season. Many things. And trying to write them in my head and on my heart to share at a later date.

My last post was about being too busy. I quickly posted those previously penned thoughts as the following posts will build on those and there’s no use reinventing the wheel, is there?

As I relax by the arched picture windows outside the Cascade ballroom it occurs to me how generously I have been blessed this season. I’ve stayed at the Chateau Lake Louise once and returned for their famous winter sleigh ride and now I’ve stayed at the Banff Springs twice in two weeks. Room service is decadent. The views spectacular. The drive pleasant. The atmosphere familiar and magical. Tourists and guests swarm the famous halls looking for photo ops while wearing designer ski wear and fur everything. I’m listening to the crackle of the rooms’ wood burning fireplace as a tour guide struggles to be heard while he tells the story of the history of the castle.

It is here that I reflect on the passing year and all that is my life. It’s difficult to put things in perspective when I’m sitting here gazing out over the majestic Rockies. One of the most picturesque spots in the world, filled to the brim with foreigners who have come to spend Christmas.

But reflect I must, because if recent past history is any indication of time availability then I need to cherish this serendipitous moment and assess the damage and count the blessings.

To be continued…

Written on December 15th….

Busyness is a covert and stealth operation. I know better than to say yes to everything and then find myself dead tired and exhausted beyond comprehension. I am there now. How did this come to be? Did I mention ‘I know better? Especially in this season when I like to slow down and enjoy all the Christmas moments. Lately I have been speeding by them at warp speed and missing a lot. BUT….I still have nine days to slow down and smell the holly. Those that follow my blog will notice I haven’t written much lately and that is most likely because I haven’t had time to read. I get my inspiration from reading. I long to stretch out by the fire and open my current book and just read for a few hours…sipping on my favorite beverage and listening to Kenny G. Instrumental so as to not distract from the message of my current read.

I was just marching along, minding my own business, working a few days a month outside the home and the rest of the time, redoing furniture and baking cakes for milestone celebrations, painting and making paper roses….figuring out my strategy for my Etsy store and social media collaboration when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I flew to my window to see what was the matter and what to my wondering eyes should appear? ….. my daughter’s opportunity to run the Christmas House for two months popped up. Literally. Its a Christmas popup shop that she was referred to by a fellow floral designer. Well….I thought. Christmas House? That sounds right up my alley so I told her to sign me up as I wouldn’t have much else for work. And I decided I would take on Christmas baking for others again. This I could handle. I was looking forward to spending days surrounded by Christmas decor, listening to Christmas music and helping people get into their Christmas spirit groove AND the days I have spend at the Christmas House have been a reprieve of sorts (a mini retreat from the hustle and bustle of life). I also find baking in my own kitchen to be relaxing and restorative and one of my happy places.

Then, very unexpectedly, the company I had been doing administrative work for a few days a month turned into weekly….three days a week to be exact. Wasn’t expecting that but couldn’t say no to that either, so I find myself with literally no days off. When I do have a day off, its spent driving Miss Daisy. Late nights. Skipped meals (resulting in weight loss – yay). Hair needs help. Nails need doing. I haven’t cooked a real meal in a month. Behind on laundry. No date nights with the hubs. Somehow I did manage to get the house decorated for Christmas. So here I sit and type, when I should be baking or sewing or cleaning. But I just don’t feel like it. Sleeping five days in a row would be lovely. We have a Christmas invite this evening and I work the Christmas House tomorrow followed by one of the hubs office parties. Today (and 3 days prior) was spent pulling the company kids christmas party together. Monday – Banff Springs. Tues/wed/thurs – work (with a dinner Christmas party tossed in mid week). Christmas house on Friday and my brother and his family showing up for Christmas on Saturday.

I am definitely not proud of these circumstances. In any way. I don’t believe that ‘busy’ equals success. I don’t believe that ‘busy’ means I am worth more. I don’t believe that ‘busy’ is something to be aspired to. This wasn’t my plan and now I have to sort out how I am going to find a little peace and rest between now and December 25th. I feel more like a failure. Because I DO believe in living in the moment and seeking the peace and receiving the gift of His rest. So the challenge is to make the most of every moment and find the good in it. Find the rest. Seek the peace. Remain grateful because I AM grateful for these opportunities. They just kind of blind sided me and I have to regroup.

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Momma’s are the magic of Christmas make no mistake! Santa Claus? Pfft! I have to say that without mommas there would be no Christmas. We make it happen for our little lovelies. I mean seriously? Who decorates the house when the cherubs and the hubs are settling down for their long winters naps? Even when decorating the tree is a family affair, it’s the mommas that secured the tree and the decorations and prepared the Christmas charcuterie. Who makes sure that Santa knows what he needs to bring on Christmas Eve? Who helps you write those letters? Who buys the Christmas pyjamas? Who hangs the stockings? Who sends the Christmas care packages? Who does the wrapping? And the baking? Who roasts the roast beast? Who makes sure there are games and puzzles and movies to watch? Hallmark just helps us out a bit.

Who nags dad to make sure the Christmas lights are up? Who makes dad attend all your Christmas concerts and plays? Who tosses your blankets and pjs into the dryer on a cold winter night to ensure they are toasty warm for you? And buys you flannel sheets to cozy up into when you finally decide you want to go to bed at 3:30am? Who makes sure there are mandarin oranges, eggnog, hot chocolate, butter tarts, perogies, shortbread cookies, chips and dip and Christmas coke (the cans with Santa on them) in the house the entire month of December? Who makes sure those Christmas stockings are full Christmas morning even though you are far past the age of believing in Santa?

Who makes countless trips to Costco… battling traffic and crowds and weather….to bring home the magic? Who made dozens of Christmas cookies for your school Christmas parties? Who took you to Swiss chalet after church in December so you could get a free toblerone bar? Ok, dad did do that. Who talked dad into a puppy hanging from your Christmas stocking and subsequently trained that tiny pup in the middle of winter? Who books a sleigh ride at Lake Louise so you can celebrate Christmas with people that come from across the globe to see this majestic wonder?

Who involved you in helping those less fortunate than us at Christmas so you would, hopefully, know that you weren’t the centre of the universe? She has to counteract her spoiling tendencies or be held accountable.

Who makes the magic? Who risks her salvation telling little white lies to keep you in suspense? Who makes sure you have plaid or sequins to wear to Christmas parties? Who sacrifices her own wants to make sure you have yours? Who loves you more than Santa Claus or the Grinch? Who prays for you every night? Who wants what’s best for you more than any other human being on the planet? Who wants to be with you at Christmas more than being anywhere else in the world? Whose heart is broken if she can’t spend the holidays with you?

Momma! It’s ALL momma. She can’t help herself. I must go dig out my tacky Christmas sweater with the hearts on the sleeve.

Who knew brushing my teeth would turn into a valuable spiritual revelation and lesson?  Surely not me. I found myself vigorously pushing that Phillips Sonic Care toothbrush back and forth and up and down like it was my job. And in that moment it hit me. You are not supposed to move the toothbrush. It’s an electric toothbrush that you just hold in strategic spots on your teeth and then wait for the full two minutes and let the toothbrush do all the heavy lifting AKA brushing.

2 minutes? Who has time to hold a toothbrush in their mouth for two minutes? I have things to do. Places to go and people to see. Funny how two minutes feels like an eternity when your just standing still and waiting. It’s a completely different story when your stuck on the Deerfoot and trying to get to work on time. Two minutes goes by in a blink.

As I was vigorously pushing that moving toothbrush back and forth, I heard a voice speak in my spirit…why are you doing all the work? That toothbrush was ergonomically designed to do all the work and to do it better than you. Ergonomic, by definition, means that a thing was made in a way minimizes physical effort or discomfort and maximizes efficiency and here I am assuming that if I give it a little help the two minutes will go by faster or my teeth will get cleaner?

Nope. What came to me in that moment was this: and that’s how Im trying to live my spiritual life. Always just giving God a little hand or suggestion in case He is taking too long or not doing things my way. Thinking that I will improve on the spiritual system. Striving, and exhausting myself to getter done. With a touch of pride, I might add. You know, because of my stellar energy and work ethic and ingenuity. And God just wants me to slow down and hold the toothbrush for the entire two minutes and let Him do the work that only He can do. If I do it properly, those teeth will be smooth and pearly white. Clean and healthier and all I had to do was hold the toothbrush and let it do what it was designed to do.

And while I am waiting in that looong two minutes focus on the Creator and what He’s doing in my life. Take that time to be still and just listen. Listen to His wisdom and give myself up to his power and love and care. I don’t have to do everything myself. I just don’t. Slow down. Cease my striving and quit exhausting myself. A sure sign I’m trying to live life in my own strength is when I am exhausted and frustrated and dizzy. Short tempered? Who me? Confused? Negative attitude? Maybe turn that toothbrush on for another two minutes and think about what you’ve done.