A little late with my recap of 2017 but that’s ok since there are really only 20 of you reading this. It’s only January 5th. As I relax in my writing chair listening to epic music and rifling down corn and carrots from yesterday’s dinner I can’t help but reflect on the past year. It went by in a blur and yet…. not.

Time rushes by like a river on its way down a mountain and it feels like you’d better not waste a moment or you’ll never catch up In this life. And at other times it feels so slow -a turtle wading through molasses – that we tend to wish time away and waste all the moments.

When I think about the passing of 365 days, it’s almost scary. 2017 began with me employed at a job I cherished. Andrew living in another city trying to make his way. Our dear Hawaii friends pursuing a new adventure in their tropical existence. I was going to move through the passage of age as I hit 60 this year and mom ripened to 85. I was full of hope and promise, as was life, or so it seemed. Same house, same cars, same habits, same loves, same faith, same friends, same family.

I had this strange sense of anticipation for the coming year. I took down the Christmas decorations and plowed through winter. I was making pasta weekly with my new pasta maker. Lexie won 10 box seat tickets to a Flames game in January, which we invited several of our friends to and just had A blast. I was back in the routine of going to the office gym at 5:30 in the morning for an invigorating workout 3x a week. Mike remodelled our kitchen island and it was, and is, grand. I started to collect cookbooks from the clearance table at chapters and was trying my hand at all kinds of delicacies that I’ve always yearned to prepare. This upon the recommendation of my favorite new author. I received a book of hers as a Christmas gift, read it 3x over as it reverberated with my soul and proceeded to buy her other 4 books and read them twice each over the spring. Also at this authors inspiration, i finally started the blog I’d  been talking about for 5 years and was finding great satisfaction having an outlet for my writing and the thoughts that had been duking it out in my brain for years.

Then on March 28th at 10:00 am I was called into the main floor board room to be informed of my redundancy. It wasn’t the hugest of surprises since the company was going through layoffs anyway and several of the people I work for were let go and yet, when it happens to you, no matter how prepared you think you are for it, it just feels like rejection. I know I have a rejection scar from a prior incident many years ago and every time something like this happens, the bandaid is ripped off again and you forget how much it stings. Very much like going on an interview only to find out that they chose somebody else time and time again. I have a determination not to let these things bother me and yet they do, every time. I hope and pray I’ll get stronger each time but I’m not so sure that is what’s happening.

Then my son realized he needed to come home to a more supportive environment shortly after I was unemployed. So the two of us spent the summer feeling useless, like failures and making each other crazy. I decided to take up walking two hours a day to clear my mind, raise my good cholesterol, sort through my next steps and hear from God. It was invigorating and healing. I felt like I’d been born again.

I did experience a wonderful distraction via a vacation with my mom, my daughter and my sisters for mom’s 85th birthday. We escaped our humdrum lives and met up in Las Vegas which turned out to be a vacation to be remembered for all time. In the same way conditions merge to form the perfect storm, circumstances merged to form the perfect vacation. The perfect remembrance. The perfect girls holiday. The perfect way to celebrate mother.

By mid summer our Hawaii friends were up to their eyeballs in cancer. I may as well not floss over it. One of mikes best friends, is still fighting and hanging on by a thread. He’s been walking in a miraculous remission for 9 years and we’ve shared so many memories, good times, laughs, tears, and friendship with these folks. Naturally we are still praying and hoping for a miracle but our faith has been thin enough to see through at times.

Come September a friend of a friend referred my pie making skills to a family that were celebrating the lives of both their parents at the same time. These fine folks decided to make their way to heaven together. And to honour their mom’s memory the children wanted to find someone who could duplicate her apple pie and butter tarts to serve at the joint service which was attended by 450. That’s a lot of pastry folks. I passed the trial bakeoff and was given the green light for 70 pies and 30 dozen butter tarts. Being a part of this celebration of life changed my life in so many ways.

By now, my son was working so I had the house to myself most of autumn, and passed my time baking in my remodelled kitchen. I also decided I was invincible in the baking arena and offered out my services for Christmas baking. Who knew this was going to be as popular as medicinal (legalized) maraquana.

I successfully completed the Whole 30 this summer. That was an enlightening, victorious experience. Since then I’ve been on the Half 60, which doesn’t do a thing btw.

I guess I would be remiss if I left out my 60th birthday. I didn’t think turning 60 was going to be any big emotional deal until my daughter, thinking it would be funny and that I had a sense of humour that could take it , put up a sign on the morning of my birthday that read ‘holy shit you’re old”. Much to even to my surprise, I had a negative reaction. It may have been the redundancy thing. It may have been both adult children living at home (feeling like my style had been cramped). It may have been the whiskey, could have been the gin. All I know is I was a mess until the pink limousine pulled up the following Saturday morning to take me to a birthday luncheon fit for a queen.

So there you have it. I’m still trying to make sense of many circumstances I found myself in this past year. Some of these incidents seem to be related somehow and others are just a mystery at the moment. Maybe forever. The year has been a combination of victory and growth as well as confusion and pain but somehow I have this feeling the confusion and pain is going to turn into victory and growth as time goes by.

12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained. Philippians 3

 

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Sitting here in the aftermath of Christmas and reflecting on the season. I have to say, for me, every Christmas is entirely different. Each Christmas brings its new joys and challenges. I think most of us are always trying to recreate a past experience of Christmas. Live it again in all its glory. While there is definitely something to be said for tradition (I am all for tradition) forging new territory is not necessarily negative. When it comes to Christmas we tend live in nostalgia. I do it. I relive past precious Christmases and walk into each new season with a pocketful of expectations. Many of them unrealistic. That is definitely a recipe for disappointment. Like Santas sack of toys, I had a sack full of expectations and disappointments. I didn’t get all my baking done or I burnt it. I didn’t get a card from someone significant. A favorite Christmas party was cancelled. All the needles fell of my tree before December 25th. I didn’t lose the 25lbs I pledged myself I would. I was so rushed I didn’t have time to enjoy a silent night. My company scratched my hardwood floors. My husband got a a terrible Christmas cold and didn’t feel good enough to socialize. A snow storm prevented our company from coming after I spent weeks preparing for them. I ran out of money before my Christmas shopping was done and a host of other minor annoyances.

I’ve finally realized that expectations birth disappointment. In the past it was easy to get me rattled when everything didn’t go exactly accordingly to plan and expectations. But, thankfully, I have mellowed out when it comes to Christmas. Much to the benefit of all who live under this roof. I truly do take it as it comes and just enjoy the season for what it is. Peace on earth, goodwill toward all men. Not stress on earth and resentment toward people. I don’t know if it’s a wisdom and letting go that come with age and experience or a divine paradigm shift but I’m far more apt to go with the flow these days and enjoy each moment. Live in the moment and cherish the relationships and the loved ones I share this season with.

Everything doesn’t have to be perfect. Perfection is phony at its best and unattainable at its worst. My focus is now on relationship and peace. I try to let go of as much baggage and expectation as possible and focus on the moment. As you know, if you’ve ever read anything I’ve written, that Christmas isn’t just a day to me, it’s a season. With this perspective there is lots of time to enjoy Christmas and contemplate it’s true meaning and plenty of time to let go of disappointment.

One particular challenge this Christmas involves a dear friend that, by all appearances, cancer will win the battle. Rather than let this ruin our Christmas we have endeavoured to be there for him and his family and cherish all the lucid and not so lucid moments. Even in this we are making memories. We will have these memories of him in his last precious days. Plus being a witness to his disease puts so many things into perspective for us. It’s a reminder of what is really important in life and at Christmas.

It’s not about the lights and the decorations and the food and the gifts and the parties and the clothes or a partridge in a pear tree. These things are fun and not evil but they are not the main focus. I truly believe my best moments this December have been the visits with our friends, in their cramped living quarters, with our friends hospital bed in the middle of the living room decked out in red and black buffalo checked sheets, blankets and pillows and his plaid pyjamas and Santa hat. We’ve laughed at the hilarious things he says while on powerful pain meds and cried at the reality of what is really happening. We’ve chatted while he slept , totally unaware of our presence. It hasnt been glamourous or always cheerful but it’s been real. And there is something about this raw realness that has changed me and my expectations of Christmas.

My 6 CD player in my car is on the fritz. It seemed to go on strike when I put that first Christmas CD in. I resorted to listening to the radio. I found a Christian station that played Christmas music 24/7 starting December 1. In between sets of seasonal tunes there was dialogue and invitations to join many organizations that are helping disenfranchised people get through this difficult season. I heard about the Mustard seed, the Food bank, the Dream centre, the Pregnancy care centre, Compassion child, the Woman’s shelter, the YMCA and YWCA and even the radio station was taking on less fortunate families going through difficult times and it occurred to me that people enjoying Christmas in all of its glitzy, commercialized glory were in the minority. I actually believe there are more people suffering through Christmas than there are people enjoying it. It was very sobering.

I am SO blessed to be in the minority that have enjoyed most of the Christmases in my life. It’s mostly been good times and precious memories for me. How did I get so lucky? I don’t know. I do know I don’t deserve it but I am so grateful to have spent another Christmas surrounded by those I love, with shelter, a warm bed, plenty of sustenance, gifts even, music, health and opportunities to extend love to others. And I’m not sad it’s over because it’s not.

I will honour Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the year.

 

 

Well it looks like we are going to enjoy a white Christmas after all. Oh I know there are those of you cursing the snow, in all of its pristine and glorious beauty, and I am truly sorry you feel that way. Do not get mad at me, I had nothing to do with it. Well maybe a tiny little bit. I’d been praying for snow. Just as I’m sure there were many of you praying against snow. Did God answer my prayer and not yours? I guess we’ll never know. But the snow is here with a vengence so why not surrender to it’s beauty and mood.

A banner snowfall is a bit like the ‘terrible twos’. On the one hand is love and on the other is exasperation. On the one hand is cherishing and on the other havoc wreaked. We are torn. We want to scream and yell but we also want to cuddle and snuggle. We know this soon shall pass so we may as well make the best of it and accept its inevitability. Glean the lessons and make the memories. Soon that two year old will grow and the snow will melt and we will be left with nothing but regret if we don’t accept what is and make the most of it.

A million zillion trillion unique snowflakes all huddled together like the stars in the Milky Way. We don’t even pay attention to the fact that each snowflake has 6 points that are exquisitely designed by God and nature. All we see is this cold, wet, mush that makes driving treacherous and has to be shoveled causing chest pain for some. It is mindblowingly amazing that each snowflake actually has a shape as we scoop up shovel after shovel of the white ice and toss it over our shoulder, muttering resentments under our breath.

The table and chairs on our deck look like wedding cakes on stands this breathtaking winters morning. Perfection – the pure whiteness of it all before it’s marred by human intervention. I’m assuming the color of snow is the purest version of white as we often here the axiom ‘white as snow’ …especially when talking about the purity of anything. Snow truly is an act of God and I, for one, embrace it. When all the leaves are gone and the earth is dried up and everything thing looks kind of dead (because it is) then God takes over and covers this dry deadness with a blanket of glorious, twinkling bright, purest white snow. And everything is beautiful again. He does that with us too.

I’m excited to get out there this morning and make my way through this fairytale Christmas backdrop. Yes I have to drive and I’ll just take in the beauty of the season and take my time. No I don’t have to go to work so I realize I have the advantage of being on my own timetable. I’ll get there when I get there. Lucky for me my shopping is done…. food and gifts. I must say I am truly grateful that once again this year, we have been blessed with an abundance of both. So now I’m just enjoying the season which has been enhanced, in my estimation, by this wonderful snow.

 

 

 

It’s quite possible that I won’t be staying up into the wee hours of the morning reading, writing, pinning, baking, or watching movies any longer. I happen to have the first of two job interviews this week, tomorrow. It’s been so long that I’m a little rusty with the interview process. I may even be a little rusty with my administrative skills. Hopefully, like riding a bike, it’ll all come back to me once I’m back in the saddle. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to go to bed at 9:30 or 10:00 to wake up at 5:30 to get ready for work.

I’ve grown accustom to being the boss of me. I pretty much do what I want these days. I call the shots and set the schedule and plan the priorities. And it has been refreshing and relaxing. 9 months of unemployed bliss. Naturally, I’ve been fairly broke but I’ve even gotten used to that. I’ve realized what I can actually live without. The thought of going back to work is equally as scary and rattling as getting laid off was. I always knew in the back of my mind that I would have to be working once again at something. Too young and too much energy, too much financial need to retire yet. I knew it was coming. And now that I’m looking at the blessed prospect of working again…or maybe I should call it being gainfully employed ( since it’s not as if I haven’t been working my butt off during my sabbatical) and I’m getting nostalgic.

I have loved these past 9 months. I’ve walked about two hundred miles. I’ve baked about 100 pies and about 600 butter tarts. I’ve read oodles of books. I’ve purged and organized the entire house. I’ve spent many lovely mornings or afternoons lollygagging with girlfriends. I’ve spend precious time with my mom. I’ve learned frugality. I’ve slept in and had days with absolutely no agenda. These are the best. I’ve had a riot experimenting in the kitchen with all sorts of recipes, sweet, savory, challenging and fun. I’ve had time to pursue hobbies and yet there are still many things I just didn’t get around to.

Once again, I may be getting way ahead of myself. An interview is not a job offer. However, it is the first step. To get the position you must start with an interview. And I have two this week before Christmas, which is in and of itself, surreal. Two interviews with organizations that require a statement of faith to be signed (narrows the playing field). Two interviews where I was referred by people I know or I wouldn’t have known about the position. Maybe it’s true, it’s not what you know but who you know. And by ‘who’ I’m talking about knowing the creator of the universe personally.

Inspite of my nervousness, I am grateful for the opportunities. I believe I’m ready to go back to work. I’m actually ready to do whatever God has planned for me. I know if I’m doing what He has lead me to do and what He approves off everything will be fine. It will be better than fine. God’s best isn’t ‘just fine’, it’s incredible. So I’m ready for where He leads. If neither of these opportunities is meant to be then I know He still has a plan for me. Not to panic. Not to worry. Not to be disappointed. I will work again. And it will be at the exact right time and the exact right company with the exact right position. And it will be grand. In the meantime… it’s Christmas this week.

 

 

Twelve days before Christmas. Do you know where your Christmas spirit is?

I have always felt that people that are eagerly awaiting December 25 are missing the whole point. As children, I guess that’s the day the presents are received and opened and if you were waiting for one specific item that your dying to receive then that’s what it’s all about for you. Or if that’s the day your loved one or ones are arriving then I get that anticipation. But I, personally, feel Christmas is a season not a day. And if I put all my hope and joy into one day then I’ll be sadly disappointed when that 24 hours are over. Very often, I have found December 25 to be rather anti-climactical.

I have long felt that Christmas is the time preceding December 25th. The build up. The concerts. The parties. The shopping. The red cups. The music. The decorating. The lights. The wrapping. The charity. The baking. The preparations. Sitting by the fireplace enjoying the tree and lights. Driving around taking in everyone’s light displays. Skating on lake. Drinking hot chocolate. The mitts, toques and scarves. The Christmas oranges. A sleigh ride. Family together. Watching Christmas movies with popcorn. The advent services. The Christmas story. Christmas carolling. Games and puzzles.

I have been blessed my whole life – 60 years – that Christmas has always been like this for me. I mean truly and deeply blessed! Even as I write this, I’m sitting by my tree, in front of the fireplace listening to my favorite Christmas music with an over full belly, my whole family home and a nice warm bed to cozy up in shortly.

This Christmas I have something new added to my Christmas preparations…Two job interviews the week before Christmas. It seems odd but every other year I have actually been working and that didn’t feel odd. But really the whole ‘not working’ in December has felt rather odd. Maybe I’m getting a job for Christmas? Wouldn’t that be something? I am grateful that God has not forgotten my need just because it’s Christmas.

All this to say, that I’m endeavouring to enjoy these next 12 days to the full and live in the moment and not wish them away or hurry them up. I want to savor them. I’ll never have these 12 days again. Yes there are sad, painful things happening amongst those in my sphere of influence and amongst those with whom I have relationships and friendships but it’s all part of the moment and the season and the memories. Peace on earth, good will to men. Wouldn’t it be loverly?

We press on in this season of advent as we wait for the fulfillment of Gods promise in spite of circumstances. Christmas is a season of hope. It’s a season of charity. A season of peace and joy. Seek for this in the midst of your circumstances. Wise men still seek Him. Live these next 12 days on purpose – with purpose and and don’t let Christmas Day come and go while you are lost in a fog of stress and meaninglessness. Make this Christmas count and choose joy.
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